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Thursday, May 13, 2004

President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Wahsington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

I know you’re always saying you don’t read the polls, so I thought I should pass on some information to you. Also the newspapers--you don’t read them either. You said you’d rather hear the “objective reports” from your advisors. So here’s the objective report:

You’ve got the Flip-Flopping Frenchman right where you want him! The latest Pew poll says he’s only ahead of you by 49% to 42%! You’re within striking distance! And--46% think the war is going well! OK, I know that’s less than half, but you’ve got to admit we’ve had some “setbacks” like no WMD(s) and 774 Americans dead (and counting) and Iraq is on the brink of civil war and we got caught playing Skull and Bones frat house pranks with Iraqi prisoners and terrorists are beheading American hostages on the Internet and 80% of Iraqis want us to go home right now--no, I think 46% of Americans believing the war is going well is a respectable number. Build on it!

Also, 44% think you’re doing a good job. (That’s 44% of Americans. But don’t worry about the rest of the world--they can’t vote.) I know 48% say you’re doing a bad job, but maybe most of them are Californians. Also, did you hear Nader got on the ballot in eight states including Michigan and Florida? It’s in the bag!

I think these are solid numbers. Can you imagine Jimmy Carter’s numbers if he had gotten us into this mess? I don’t even think Rosalynn would have voted for him. I bet Laura will vote for you! And remember how old he looked during the Iran hostage crisis? He looked terrible! And all he had to worry about were a few hostages and one botched helicopter rescue. You’ve had to worry about 774 dead Americans on television (and counting) and lots of botched missions and thousands of limbs and we’re not even counting the dead Iraqis. And look at you! You look like a million bucks! You bounce off Air Force One and give the reporters a big smile and wave to them while they’re yelling questions at you--I bet you sleep like a baby!

But don’t worry about the numbers. I just think people aren’t “focused on the issues” yet. It’s spring! It’s a beautiful day! Who wants bad news and ugly pictures? You watch--when fall rolls around, everyone will see that in these troubled times, we need a Strong Leader who will “stay the course,” who never waivers and never second-guesses, and who has never made a mistake (except for trading Sammy Sosa).

Also, now that the FEC has decided special interest groups can spend as much money as they want on commercials, the Republicans can run 24 hour-a-day ads to set the record straight on all those vicious lies the Flip-Flopping Frenchman has been spreading about you. They can run PhotoShop Enhanced pictures of the Frenchman with Jane Fonda. They can prove that he faked all those war injuries. They can show once and for all that he never met a tax bill he didn’t like and he never met a weapons bill that he did like, and by the way--did he ever disprove those allegations about him having an affair? Do we know where he was when Kennedy was shot? These are legitimate questions that demand some answers! And the beauty is, you don’t even have to waste your time bycoming on at the end and saying, “I’m George W. Bush and I endorse this ad.”

By the way, next time you speak to your “Higher Father,” will you ask Him a question for me? Ask Him, “How many states are going to use electronic voting machines?”

Four More Years of Shock and Awe!

Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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