Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Monday, May 17, 2004
Attorney General John Ashcroft
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001

Dear Mr. Ashcroft,

Have you ever produced a TV show?

The reason I ask is I’m giving CBS an idea for a new series, and I think it’s going to fly. I’ve already “put out feelers” to some high profile players, and I have reason to believe they’ll get on board. The only missing piece of the puzzle is you. We need your expertise.

The name of the series will be: The Harsh Interrogation Practices Survivor Competition. The first round will be held at Abu Ghraib. Like I said, I’ve written to most of the “heavyweights”: President Bush, Rumsfeld, Cheney, Powell, Wolfowitz, and I think they’d like to participate. The only person I haven’t asked yet is Rush Limbaugh, but he’s a “shoe-in.” He loves this sort of thing!

Did you hear what Rush said? He said the “harsh treatment” of the Abu Ghraib prisoners was nothing more than a Skull and Bones prank and the guards were just having a “good time” engaging in “good old American pornography.” Rush wears his heart on his sleeve--it’s so obvious. He’s jealous! He wants in on the action. Let him in! I know, I know--he’s not part of the administration and he never got accepted into any fraternity like Skull and Bones, but he’s helped you guys a lot over the years. The least you could do is invite him to the party.

Rush was breathing pretty hard when he said, “The babes are meting out the torture.” Wait til he finds out who the prison guards are going to be--Condi Rice and Ann Coulter! You might as well invite him now--otherwise he’s going to be pleading and whining and driving everybody crazy until you’re completely worn down and you’ll end up having to let him in anyway. Besides, Rush won’t last long. He thinks it’s all fun and games, getting naked and being abused by that mean old Warden Rice, but after the first real beating, he’ll go home.

The survivors of Abu Ghraib will graduate to the Guantanamo Bay Extreme Abuse Competition. I’m sure Our President will make it. He had lots of practice in his carefree Skull and Bones days. I’ll put some money on Wolfowitz, too--he looks like he’s in pretty good shape. Cheney and Rumsfeld probably won’t survive--unless they team up and trick Our President into taking their punishment for them. If they both keep whispering in his ear, “You’re the man, you’re the man,” who knows? He might charge head-first into a trap! The main thing Cheney and Rumsfeld will need to do is to vote Powell off the show before he can get to Our President and convince him he’s being set up.

Anyway, in the Guantanamo Bay Competition, things will get more serious. No more easy stuff like humiliation and rape. Warden Rice and Warden Coulter will be replaced by Camp Delta’s Extreme Reaction Force (ERF). I’m too squeamish to even think about what they do, but let’s put it this way--after a few days (or months or years) in solitary confinement with nothing to look forward to but “extreme interrogation techniques,” our competitors will be begging to be sent back to Abu Ghraib!

But this is where you come in. You’re the expert! We need you to direct the program to give it that “authentic” look. We need your genius to come up with new, creative methods of coercing information from the survivors! We need your impeccable discretion to keep the show secret til it goes on the air.

I figure we can start filming in February. The entire cast will be tanned and rested after a month off in January, and we’ll be ready to roll!

Back to Rush Limbaugh--I know the purpose of “harsh interrogation techniques” is usually to get the suspect to talk. But maybe with Rush, you could use “harsh techniques” to shut him up!

One more thing--you’ll never guess the name of the general who ramped up the military’s interrogation training techniques, based on “lessons learned” at Guantanamo Bay:

General Custer. It’s true!

Preserve Democracy! Preserve the Patriot Act!

Also Patriot Act II. And III and IV.

Carl Estrada

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