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Wednesday, May 19, 2004

George W. Bush
President and Commander-in-Chief
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500

Dear Mr. President and Commander-in-Chief,

I was getting ready to write to you about Ahmed Chalabi getting bumped off the payroll, and then I heard this morning we raided his house! We pointed a gun to his head and took his computers and prayer beads.

Remember Chalabi? He’s the head of the Iraq Governing Council. He was your favorite intelligence source in Iraq who told you WMD(s) would be growing on trees and the Iraqi people would greet us with smiles and flowers and candy. He’s the guy Cheney picked to rule Iraq once we liberated them. Chalabi just can’t stay out of trouble! First he had to sneak out of Jordan so he wouldn’t have to do 22 years for embezzling, and now our guys are probably going to arrest him for starting a coup. He’s running out of places to go!

By the way--did you really tell the King of Jordan that he could “piss on Chalabi?”

Anyway, this week I heard you were going to stop paying him $340,000 a month. Last week I heard it was $400,000 a month. Which is right? I was glad to hear it’s only $340,000 a month because I think $400,000 a month is too much, don’t you? That would be 4 million, eight hundred thousand dollars a year!

If Chalabi has been getting $340,000 a month, that’s only 4 million, eighty thousand dollars a year. I don’t think he should get one cent over that!

Anyway, now that we’ve freed up over 4 million dollars a year, we can finally afford to buy our troops some flak jackets. Or walkie-talkies. They need walkie-talkies. Or give them a raise! Give them health insurance! We’re getting tired of seeing their wives picking up Velveeta cheese at the food bank!

But the more I think of it, you should use that 4 million dollars where you get the most bang for your buck. Give it to Nader! It’s the only thing that makes sense. The Frenchman has been playing partisan politics with the war. He thinks just because the whole thing is totally out of control, someone should be blamed. And he’s blaming you! What do you have to do with it? I don’t know why you should be blamed when you haven’t made a single mistake!

Anyway, it’s working for him. He’s passed you in the polls. You’d better do something and quick! Give Chalabi’s money to Nader! If Nader can get 5% in Florida and Oregon and New Mexico, we still have a chance. Scratch his back! Maybe he’ll scratch yours too.

By the way, did you hear what George Will said? He said:

This administration cannot be trusted to govern if it cannot be counted on to think and having thought, to have second thoughts.

What did he mean by that?! Of course you think! You think: “I’m doing God’s will.” And then you have a second thought: “I’m right!”

Hail to the Commander-in-Chief!

Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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