Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Thursday, May 20, 2004
Alberto Gonzalez
White House Council
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Wahsington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. Gonzalez,

QUESTION: What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
ANSWER: A good start.

Ha, ha--just kidding. You might tell that one to Our President. He hates lawyers. I personally don’t have anything against them--I just think lawyer jokes are funny. Like banjo jokes. I love the banjo but there are some great banjo jokes. In fact, I first heard the joke I just told you as a banjo joke--I just substituted lawyers for banjos. Here’s another one:

QUESTION: What’s the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
ANSWER: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

You see? All you have to do is say lawyer instead of banjo and you have a whole new joke!

Speaking of lawyers, I heard you advised Our President that the Geneva Conventions were “quaint.” You also told Him they were “obsolete.” Isn’t that the truth?! We’re fighting “a new kind of war!” Don’t bother me with prisoners’ rights! Don’t whine to me that we’ve been holding the Gitmo prisoners (that’s Guantanamo Bay) for years and we don’t have a clue who they are or what’s being done to them! Stop grousing about the 90% of Abu Ghraib prisoners who aren’t “enemy combatants!” Cast a wide net! Get to the bottom of this! We have to make the world safe from terrorism and spread Democracy around the world!

Speaking of getting to the bottom of things, how’s the investigation into the outing of the CIA spy going? I haven’t heard anything about that lately. I think it’s terrible that someone would leak Valerie Plame’s identity to Bob Novak just because her husband said Niger didn’t sell uranium to Saddam! Don’t you? I know Our President said He was so furious He said He would “fully comply with the investigation.” Have you turned over all the documents that were subpoenaed yet? Maybe if you don’t find out who did it soon, you could suspend the Geneva Convention rules and use “harsh interrogation techniques” on Novak. Then you’ll find out who leaked!

Anyway, don’t let Colin Powell bully you! It’s about time somebody stood up and told the truth about the Geneva Convention! Also, the Constitution. It was written over 200 years ago! What did Thomas Jefferson know about Osama bin Laden? It’s a new world! We need new rules!

If Our President goes on trial for war crimes, do you think you’ll represent Him? Also, will you defend yourself? I don’t think you should. You know the old saying: “A lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client.” Hire Allan Derschowitz. That guy can talk circles around anybody!

QUESTION: Are there any criminal lawyers in D.C.?
ANSWER: Yes, but none of them are in jail.

Mission Almost Accomplished!

Carl Estrada

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