Sunday, April 04, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
We have a problem! The Liberal Frenchman from Massachussets has been going on MTV asking the 18-25 year-olds to register, and I don’t mean for the draft. He wants them to vote!
Another big problem--Kerry’s daughter Vanessa is taking a year off from Harvard so she can go campaigning around the country for her dad. Have you seen her? She’s really pretty and poised and intelligent and accomplished. I think we should nip this in the bud as fast as possible!
Let’s meet this problem head-on. Have MTV produce a DEBATE OF THE DAUGHTERS! You could put Tag Team Jenna & Barbara Bush (your daughters) against Vanessa! They’ll clean up! You might get criticized for putting two-against-one, but you can say it’s fair because they’re twins. Also, you can say a precedent was set when you and Cheney testified together before the 9-11 Commission, and you’ll probably team up to debate John Kerry too!
Anyway, let Vanessa go first. She’ll start like she always does: "Hear me as Vanessa Kerry the environmentalist, the medical student, the advocate for women's issues." The kids will be yawning already. Then she’ll drone on about Kerry’s environmental standards and his plans for universal health care and his proposed service program and the “nuances” of his foreign policy. BORING.....!
Let her talk about “issues.” Then put your girls on and let them speak the language kids understand! They can give all kinds of snappy tips on how to mix a good Marguerita. They can give fashion advice for getting into the trendiest night clubs. They can tell their secrets on “how to get Daddy to erase your DUI, even if he’s not President of the United States.”
DUELING DAUGHTERS! The PAIR vs. The SQUARE! Trust me--The MTV kids will love Jenna and Barbara! They could even put out a line of clothes or perfume or action figures! Did you hear Bob Dylan is going to endorse Victoria’s Secret lingerie? It’s true! Maybe Dylan would endorse a Jenna/Barbara line of lingerie from Victoria’s Secret. Then watch the MTV votes roll in! Also, maybe he could help you get the 60-year-old hippy vote. Ask him! What’s the worst he could say?
Kerry is putting his daughter to work for him. I think you should do the same with Jenna and Barbara! It will help you “define” the differences between you and your opponent!
Four more years! (And maybe even more!)