Secretary of Interior
1489 C Street NW
Washington DC 20240
Dear Secretary Norton,
Gas prices are going through the roof!
I thought I made a pretty shrewd move last year when I bought my Cadillac Escalante, SUV. I got 100% tax write-off! It’s plush and roomy--it’s built like a big, luxury tank! I bet if I had a head-on collision with a Humvee, my Escalante would win!
As a matter of fact, I did have a little scrape recently. A little Toyota Corolla plowed into me last month--smashed right into the driver’s side. Didn’t make a dent! At least, not in my car--the Toyota was totalled. Fortunately, the driver will be out of the hospital soon, and they say she’ll be fine.
Anyway, I love driving my Escalante to work every day--I pretend I’m 4-wheeling off-road in the Himalayas. I pretend I’m sitting on top of that high arch looking down on Canyonlands, just like in the commercial. I cruise through the city, just me and my Escalante, singing along with Pavarotti while the air-conditioner is on full blast, thinking, “Is America a great country or what!?”
But you’ve got to do something about these gas prices! I only get 12 miles per gallon--max! That means I go through a half tank every day, just driving to and from work! Do you know how much this is costing me now that gas is 2 bucks a gallon?! I’m going to use up my entire rebate just driving to work! I CAN’T AFFORD THIS! WE NEED MORE GAS AND WE NEED IT NOW!
There’s only one solution: DRILL! I don’t care where. You can start right under that ancient arch in the commercial. Forget the caribou--North to Alaska! Our President’s brother Jeb is hogging a gold mine right off-shore in his own state, just because he wants to stick it to California! No more sibling favors! Haul out the pipelines! Start drilling!
The Liberal Frenchman from Massachussets wants to develop “alternative energy sources.” What’s up with that?! Doesn’t he know my Escalante won’t run on wind?!
I want my gas and I want it now! What are you waiting for? You’re the Secretary of Interior! Do something!