Anti George Bush political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Wednesday, April 14, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President,

I keep replaying “The Moment” in your press conference Tuesday night. You know the one--when that liberal reporter sabotaged you and asked what mistakes you had made since 9-11. You were stumped! And rightfully so! This wasn’t your fault! You weren’t briefed! If Karl Rove had been doing his job, he would have predicted that question and given you a good answer to memorize! It was his mistake!

But I’m afraid “The Moment” is going to haunt you. You know the liberals on the 9-11 Commission are going to hammer you, trying to make you admit mistakes you’ve made as president. And you can’t let Cheney answer their questions and drone on and on about your mistakes. No, it’s up to you. You need a ready-made list of your mistakes so you can look humble before the commission and beat them at their own game of “gottcha.” I’ll start with a couple of my own ideas of mistakes you can admit, and then some resources:

First of all, I’ve been telling you for the last year (!) that your American flag lapel pin is crooked. I think it’s just your darn ornery stubbornness that’s made you refuse to fix it. Can you imagine if, during your testimony, you were to admit your flag was crooked and straighten it out right there before the commission? There wouldn’t be a dry eye in the room!

Second, admit you made a mistake in how you pronounce “nuclear.” Everybody knows it’s “noo-clee-ar,” not “noo-cu-lar.” Just look at how it’s spelled! Fess up! Admit you’ve been saying it wrong! You’ll be amazed at how forgiving people are if they think you’re trying!

For more mistakes, ask Laura (your wife). Wives love to point out their husband’s mistakes! I bet she could give you a great list! I bet sometime since 9-11, you’ve left the toilet seat up. That’s a mistake. Maybe you bought her a sweater for your anniversary, and it was the same sweater you gave her last year. That’s a mistake. Ask her! She’ll tell you.

And nobody loves to tell you your mistakes more than your kids! Ask your daughters (Jenna and Barbara--they’re your twins). I bet they’ll give you an earful! Maybe they think you set a bad example for them with that DUI you got in Maine.

Or maybe they heard you say, "I wouldn't tell your kids that you smoked pot unless you want 'em to smoke pot.” And now they’re all confused because they’ve read about how you smoked pot and snorted coke and drank like a fish and they probably heard you say, "When I was young and irresponsible, I was really young and irresponsible," and maybe they don’t think it’s fair that you won’t let them be young and irresponsible too.

Maybe they think it was a mistake when you said, "I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war." Kids these days have lots of opinions! Ask them! Brainstorm! I bet Jen and Barb will give you all kinds of ideas!

Another good person to ask about your mistakes is your dad. Your dad (“41”) was president. So are you (“43”)! Your dad attacked Iraq. So did you! I bet he might have some “constructive criticism.”

I just think you need to get out ahead of this “Mistakes” issue. Maybe you can admit you didn’t want Israel to give up the West Bank because you thought you had some money invested in it. I’m sure you can come up with something.

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

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