Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Friday, April 16, 2004
Donald H. Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense
1000 Defense Pentagon
Washington, DC 20301-1000

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld,

These books! Can’t anyone make them stop?!

Now Bob Woodward’s got a new one. Have you heard about this? He says Our President asked you to work up a plan to attack Iraq in November 2001. We hadn’t even attacked Afghanistan yet! But Our President is like a chess player--he’s always thinking ten steps ahead of everybody else.

Woodward says you told Our President in November 2001 that our old plan to attack Iraq was “obsolete,” and you’d have to come up with a new one. Have you thought of one yet? I know it’s Top Secret, so there are probably things you can’t tell me, but I think I know what was in the old, obsolete plan:

--Build a large international coalition to develop a consensus on addressing the problem of Saddam Hussein. OBSOLETE!

--Devise systems for quickly restoring power and water and hospital care to the Iraqi people after you have levelled their country. OBSOLETE!

--Instruct invading forces to guard businesses, museums, and mosques to prevent mass looting. OBSOLETE!

--Prepare to adequately train, protect, and pay Iraqi police force to avoid the appearance of United States occupation. OBSOLETE!

--Expect that in an artificially manufactured country with a long history of brutal dictatorship; a country teeming with bloody rivalries among Shiites, Sunnis, Baathists, and Kurds; a country in which all the above factions have one thing in common: they hate Americans--expect that maybe they will shoot back. OBSOLETE!

--Prepare a quick and orderly transfer of power to the Iraqi people, with the understanding that given their different cultural, regional, historical, and religious differences from the United States, they might devise a different form of government than we would choose for them. OBSOLETE!

Am I right? If I am, just give me a sign in your next press conference--squint real hard and say, “I’m sorry I broke my promise to the 20,000 troops whose tour of duty I am extending but sometimes a promise is not exactly a promise but a calculation based on the best available data on the course of events one hopes will transpire and I was surprised as anyone by the amount of resistance we have encountered from a small band of thugs and I promise I will make every attempt to keep my promise next time I promise to let you go home.”

By the way, I think Our President is getting pretty good at saying “Brahimi,” don’t you? UN Special Envoy Lakhtar Brahimi. The last time he said Brahimi’s name, he even looked up from his notes before he said it, and he didn’t cross his eyes, and he didn’t even smirk after he pronounced it right. Lakhtar Brahimi. When he says “Brahimi,” it reminds me of watching Olympic skating on TV:

PEGGY (whispering): Our President is getting ready to attempt the extremely difficult, quintuple-syllable, quintuple-vowel Lakhtar Brahimi Maneuver.

SCOTT (whispering): Yes, Peggy. The last time he tried the Lakhtar Brahimi Maneuver, he bailed out on the first name, and stumbled badly on the last name. The tension in the room is so thick you can cut it with a knife.

PEGGY: Ok, Scott. He’s in the sentence leading up to it...

SCOTT: Here he goes...

PEGGY AND SCOTT (together): O-O-OH!!! HE NAILED IT!

PEGGY: I think that was the best Lakhtar Brahimi Maneuver he’s ever pulled off! Let’s see what the judges say...

SCOTT: Well, it’s no surprise that Stevens and O’Connor marked him down a bit. But look! Perfect 10’s from Scalia, Rehnquist, and Thomas!

Anyway, I guess you have a much better Iraq plan now. We all can’t wait to hear what it is, but I think it has something to do with Lakhtar Brahimi, and you’ll probably tell us the rest whenever we need to know.

We’re makin’ progress!

Carl Estrada

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