Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Pat Robertson
CBN Partner Correspondence
977 Centerville Turnpike
Virginia Beach, Virginia 23463

Dear Pat Robertson,

I just read the shocking news in your letter! You said people in Britain were asked to name an inspirational figure, and Jesus came in last! He lost to Nelson Mandela, Tony Blair, and Britney Spears!

Tony Blair?! I can understand Nelson Mandela. I mean the guy spent twenty years in a South African jail, preached non-violence, and freed his people. He never had Mel Gibson make a movie about him, but who knows? Maybe someday he will.

And Britney Spears--say what you want about her, but she does have a great belly-button! I don’t think anybody has a better belly-button than Britney Spears, do you? Have you heard her song, “Whoops, I Did it Again...”? It’s not Mozart, but you’ve got to admit, it’s got a catchy beat and there’s sort of a message too.

But Tony Blair?! How could anybody think he’s more inspirational than Jesus? For one thing, he talks with an English accent. Also, I know he supports the war and all that, but before he was friends with George W. Bush, do you remember who his best friend was? Bill Clinton! If that doesn’t say it all, I don’t know what does! Speaking of English accents, remember when John Lennon said the Beatles were more popular than Jesus? He got in a lot of trouble for saying that, but we keep lowering the bar. Tony Blair?!

Also, in your letter you talked about a guy you called “Alexander” who was “feeling uneasy about his homosexual lifestyle.” You said he heard a teaching about homosexuality on your “700 Club” and the next thing you knew he was praying along with your co-host and the next thing you knew he called “The 700 Club Prayer Counseling Center,” and now God has given him strength to live a new life.” Praise the Lord!

It reminds me of a guy I knew I’ll call “Ed.” Ed was a raging drag queen but he was unhappy with his lifestyle. He called his minister who counseled him and prayed with him, and over the course of time, Ed has turned his life around. Now Ed is a YMCA-leather-dom type of guy, and his minister is the drag queen! Ed says it was the power of prayer that helped him find his true calling. Praise God!

Did you hear Our President say he didn’t ask his father for advice, but when he needed strength he went to a “higher father.” I’ve been scratching my head trying to figure out who that higher father would be. First I thought it was Dick Cheney. Then I started leaning toward Prince Bandar. Now I’ve got my money on you! It’s the only thing that makes sense!

Here’s how I figured it out: Remember when he gave that press conference and he couldn’t think of one mistake he’d ever made in his life except for trading Sammy Sosa? Remember when he told Bob Woodward, “I haven’t suffered doubt...”? That’s when the light bulb went off in my head! I thought, “Who else in this world never makes a mistake? Who else never suffers doubt?”

And of course there was only one answer: YOU! Pat Robertson! The Higher Father! If I’m right, just give me a sign on the next “700 Club.” Wear that “outdoorsy” deerskin jacket and then I’ll know.

Please send me that tape you’re advertising: “Secrets of Financial Prosperity.” You’re the expert!

Praise the Lord!

Carl Estrada