Monday, April 26, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500
Dear Mr. President,
“Nobody likes to see dead people on their television screens. I don't.”
Remember when you said that in your press conference? Well, I don’t either. That’s the trouble with this war! Too many dead people on my TV! They’re spoiling my dinner!
And now--this photographer Tami Silicio takes pictures of all these coffins and plasters them all over the Liberal Media, and ok, it wasn’t actually dead people, it was just lots and lots of rows and rows of coffins with American flags draped over them. But you knew there were probably dead people inside. I just think people should have a little more respect. Those soldiers went over to Iraq and made the ultimate sacrifice--the least we can do is sneak them back in the dead of night and bury them quietly before it ruins my whole day!
I don’t mind so much when they show dead Iraqis on TV. Or Palestinians. Even all those Israelis that keep getting blown up by suicide bombers are ok. But Americans?! That’s desecration! I’m glad the photographer got fired. Her husband too. What was she thinking?! She’s lucky she didn’t live in Iraq under the Evil Dictator. Saddam would have had her and her family tortured and killed. But this is America! Here she just got fired. Her husband too.
Remember when you told Bob Woodward, “Believe me, I don’t like hugging the widows...”? I believe you! I guess that’s why you never go to military funerals. Some widow might want to come up and hug you. Then the Secret Service would have to fight her off and it would be quite a scene. Also, if you went to a funeral, they’d show it on TV and we might see a flag draped coffin, and you know what’s in there--a dead person! At least if you stay home and they show a 10 second clip of the funeral on the news, you can change the channel.
By the way, I keep coming up with new ideas for mistakes you can admit when a reporter asks you what mistakes you’ve made. People are getting tired of the Sammy Sosa mistake. Here’s one: Remember when you were in the National Guard and you checked the box that said:
? Do not volunteer for overseas
Say it was a mistake. Say you meant to volunteer, but you thought “overseas” meant you’d have to be on a ship, and you had your heart set on flying a fighter jet. Or maybe you could say you thought “Do not” meant you were warning everybody else not to volunteer for overseas--you were just looking out for your buddies’ safety.
Or just keep it simple and say you meant to leave it blank but your hand slipped. The important thing is to say it was a mistake. You’re human! Also, when the Flip-Flopping Frenchman shows the letter where he said,
“I request duty for Viet Nam”
You can say, “Well, I would have gone too. I just made a mistake.”
Hail to the Chief!