Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Senator John F. Kerry
901 15th St. NW, Suite 700
Washington, DC 20005

Dear Senator Kerry,

First, I should tell you up front--I won’t be voting for you. You seem like a good guy--you even remind me of Lincoln. But I just think it would be treasonous to vote against Our President when He’s fighting a war. What kind of signal would that give to our enemies? That He made a mistake?

But I still like you and want to help you “define” yourself. I saw you debating Kucinich and Sharpton in California, and Larry King asked, “What would be your first act as president?” You said, “Overturn the Global Gag Rule.”
And Sharpton said, “The first thing I’ll do when I get in the Oval Office is change the locks on the door!”

You see? Nobody even knows what the Global Gag Rule is except for millions of women on the other side of the world, and they don’t even vote! You should learn to come up with funny, snappy one-liners like Sharpton and hit those questions right out of the park! You have to learn to stop thinking so much and answer with little, pretzel-size sound bites. We’re in a hurry! We don’t have time to think! Our President has a big advantage because He never says a sentence that’s more than five words or ten syllables, whichever comes first. He’s a natural!

Anyway, I put together a little questionaire for you. I hope you will fill it out. It will help us know “The Real John Kerry,” and maybe it will help you “sharpen your message.”

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

The Kerry Questionaire

1. As President, my first act will be:

1) Change the locks on the doors
2) Replace the doors
3) “Smudge” the Oval Office
4) Mobilize troops to remove the former occupants

2. What do you call someone who has won three Purple Hearts, a Silver Star, a Bronze Star, and whose military evaluation described him as “diplomatic, decisive, and charismatic?”

a) A “flip-flopper”
b) “An opportunist unfit to lead the nation in war”
c) “Soft on defense”

3. What do you call someone who went AWOL from the National Guard, requested not to be sent to Viet Nam, and used his family influence to get out 8 months early?

a) Strong Leader
b) Compassionate Conservative who cares about people like me
c) Man of moral clarity

4. What do you call someone who didn’t serve during Viet Nam because he had “other priorities?”

a) The nation’s leading advocate for war
b) Mr. Vice President

5. If President Bush refuses to debate me for “National Security” reasons, I will:

a) Debate without him
b) Hire Dan Quayle to stand in
c) Negotiate to debate Bush and Cheney together

5. Which is your favorite sound bite from Our President:

a) “Bring them on!”
b) “Shock and awe!”
c) “Axis of evil.”
d) “You’re with us or you’re against us.”
e) “Mission Accomplished!”
f) “Nobody likes to see dead people on their television screens. I don't.”
g) “Believe me, I don’t like hugging the widows.”

6. Here is another set of quotes from Our President. Which is your favorite?

a) “I’m the master of low expectations.”
b) “Security is the essential roadblock to achieving the road map to peace.”
c) “We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.”
d) "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
e) "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

7. Who said?: “George W. Bush was born on 3rd base and thought he hit a triple.”

a) Ann Richards, former Governor of Texas
b) Saddam Hussein, former Evil Dictator of Iraq
c) Barbara Bush, former first lady

8. If gas prices plummet this summer, it will be due to:

a) The genius of Our President’s energy policy
b) The genius of Our President’s economic policy
c) A secret deal with Saudi Prince Bandar

9. Which foreign leader hopes Our President gets re-elected? Pick one.

a) German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt
b) French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac
c) Spanish President Jose Maria Aznar
d) United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan
e) Saudi Arabia Crown Prince Abdullah

10. What is the best strategy after turning a huge budget surplus into a half trillion dollar deficit?

a) Another tax cut
b) A mission to Mars
c) Star Wars
d) Develop “low yield” nuclear weapons
e) All of the above

11. What is the best strategy for making friends around the world?

a) Scrap the Kyoto Treaty
b) Scrap the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty
c) Declare the United Nations “irrelevant”
d) Tell Ariel Sharon that Israel can keep part of the West Bank
e) All of the above

12. Which debate would you pay to see?

a) Vanessa Kerry vs. the Bush twins
b) Theresa Heinz Kerry vs. Laura Bush
c) George W. Bush vs. George H. W. Bush

13. Who do you think is the “higher father” Our President consults with?

a) Dick Cheney
b) Pat Robertson
c) Mel Gibson

14. Match the following:

1. National Park closures
2. School closures
3. Slinging burgers
4. Attack Iraq to fight War on Terror

A. “Service Level Adjustments”
B. “No Child Left Behind”
C. “Manufacturing Jobs”
D. “Asymetrical Response”

15. Match the following:

1. Global Warming
2. Attack Iraq

A. “Needs more study.”
B. “There will always be some uncertainty but...we don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.”

16. A “flip-flopper” is defined as:

a) Someone who was commended by his military superiors for his gallantry, heroism and valor
b) Someone who spearheaded the Iran-Contra investigations
c) Someone who produced a bipartisan proposal with John McCain to increase fuel efficiency standards
d) Someone who has earned “an extraordinary lifetime rating” from the League of Conservation Voters

17. A “Strong Leader” is defined as:

a) Someone who has only made one mistake in his life, and that was trading Sammy Sosa.
b) Someone who says, “I’m not a textbook player. I’m a gut player.”
c) Someone who says, "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

18. Essay question: Vice President Dick Cheney has an exemplary military record because he has served as Vice-Commander-in-Chief for three and a half years. Explain.

19. Anybody who would want to be president and inherit a 500 billion dollar deficit, a hornet’s nest in the Middle East, and a planet that’s ready to blow, must be:

a) A dedicated public servant
b) The greatest leader in history
c) A delusional masochist

d)strong>Special Bonus Question:

Would you have traded Sammy Sosa?

a) Yes
b) No

Special Bonus Question #2:

What’s your favorite album? (If you say Abbey Road, I might just change my mind.)

Back