Sections
Sunday, March 14, 2004
Mel Gibson
23333 Palm Canyon Lane
Malibu, CA 90265-4956
Dear Mr. Gibson,
Congratulations! All the critics are eating crow! They thought people wouldn’t want to watch Jesus being tortured to death in slow motion for two hours. And now look--your new movie is Number One! It’s ahead of Starsky and Hutch. It’s ahead of Johnny Depp. It’s ahead of 50 First Dates and it’s even beating out Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen!
Also, you’re in good company for BEST FIRST WEEKEND OF ALL-TIME! The only movies that had a better first weekend than you are: X-Men, Star Wars,Matrix, and Harry Potter. Americans love a good action flick.
The only thing I wonder is--I hear popcorn and coke sales are way off. You probably know that’s where theaters make most of their money, so they’re probably not too happy about that. Also, people passing out and having heart attacks in their theaters.
Also the kids--I remember when I was a kid, we’d go see The Alamo and we’d come home and say, “Let’s play Alamo!” I wonder if kids come home from your movie and say, “Let’s play The Passion! I’ll be the Roman flogger! You be the crucifier! And Mikey can be the Jewish betrayer.” I guess none of them would want to be Jesus. But those aren’t your problems. You’re an artist! You create art according to your vision, and let the chips fall where they may!
Do you know if your phone is tapped? The reason I ask is, you made a pretty airtight confession to Diane Sawyer that you killed Jesus, and you hinted there may have been a conspiracy. You said, "The big answer is, we all did. I'll be the first in the culpability stakes here." Maybe you thought Ashcroft had his hands full with the War on Terrorism, but if you confess on national television that you killed Jesus and think you can somehow walk away without the Justice Department sniffing around and at least making you a “person of interest,” maybe you’d better go back to that 12 Step Program right away!
Anyway, I just want to be the first to congratulate you on the huge success of your new movie. I guess you can send all seven of your kids to college now.
Sincerely,
Carl Estrada
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