Sunday, March 14, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500
Dear Mr. President,
I heard you want to reclassify burger-slinging as a “Manufacturing Job.” There you go! Those Democrats are beating you up for losing millions of manufacturing jobs--well here comes the posse! It’s Ronald McDonald to the rescue! If you add up all the Burger Manufacturers, Taco Manufacturers, and McNugget Manufacturers, you will set the record for most Manufacturing Jobs every manufactured! You can be the “Manufacturing Job President!” Don’t forget Ice Cream Cone Manufacturers. And Salad Manufacturers (you can only count the workers who actually mix the salad themselves--you can’t count people who hand out plates at salad bars. That would be cheating.)
The Census Bureau says a manufacturing job is one that is "engaged in the mechanical, physical or chemical transformation of materials, substances or components into new products." You said that’s “not straightforward.” No kidding! I’m surprised you could even read that. Simplify! Just say a manufacturing job is “when somebody makes something.” Then everybody can have a manufacturing job! If the Demos don’t like it, say they’re discriminating. Say they’re violating fair labor practices. Say the Republicans are the “party of equal opportunity.” Then watch the labor votes roll in!
Don’t worry about that David Huether guy either--the representative from the National Association of Manufacturers. He said, “If you heat the hamburger up are you chemically transforming it? No." These guys never get it--it’s so easy! Just say, “Sound science...needs more study...balanced approach.” That always works!
If you still think you need more manufacturing jobs, you could add the media--they manufacture the news. You could add sales clerks--they manufacture sales. You could add teachers--they manufacture knowledge. The list goes on and on. You could add Supreme Court Justices--they manufacture presidents. (Ha ha--just kidding.)