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Tuesday, March 30, 2004
March 31, 2004
Dr. Condoleezza Rice
National Security Advisor
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Dr. Rice,

I was afraid this would happen. My letter didn’t get to you in time, and now you’ve agreed to testify before the 9/11 Commission. Oh well--I know you’re in a tight spot, but we’ll just have to work with what we’ve got.

I have a strategy. It’s a three-pronged approach called the “Kill Bill Strategy.” All you have to remember are five words: “Bill Clinton,” (that’s two) and “the previous administration.” (That’s five.) Use them accordingly in every sentence of your testimony. Try to emphasize the “Bill Clinton” prong which is to be used whenever you are talking about something bad that happened. Example:

Lee Hamilton: “Dr. Rice, is it true that President Bush was asleep at the switch before 9/11?”

Dr. Rice: “No, Lee. As a matter of fact, President Bush was deeply engaged in trying to sort out the mess that Bill Clinton left behind when Bill Clinton was so busy playing with his little intern that Bill Clinton left our nation seriously vulnerable to terrorism. Bill Clinton.”

Prong 2: If you must say something positive, make sure you don’t say Clinton’s name, but refer to “the previous administration.” Example:

Bob Kerrey: “Dr. Rice, given the fact that President Clinton thwarted several terrorist attacks including the Y2K threat, and given the fact that Bill Clinton attempted to pass a more comprehensive anti-terrorism bill that the Republican Congress voted down, would you conclude that President Clinton was more engaged in fighting terrorism than President Bush?”

Dr. Rice: “No, Bob. As a matter of fact, we inherited a working anti-terrorist policy from the previous administration. We were privy to the same intelligence as the previous administration, but due to the failed policies of Bill Clinton, we were forced to revamp the entire program and formulate a new program which would take 3-5 years to implement. I might add that plans for the attacks on the World Trade Center were well under way during the Bill Clinton presidency, and if Bill Clinton had been president, he wouldn’t have been able to stop them either. Not only that, but Bill Clinton would have been wishy-washy and wouldn’t have had the guts to stand up to the Evil Dictator in Iraq and the world would be a more dangerous place if Bill Clinton were president. Bill Clinton.”

Follow those two prongs and I think you’ll be home free. But there’s a third prong, and this one I’m a little bit uncomfortable bringing up. But if your best friends won’t tell you, who will? So I’ll take a deep breath and here it is--Dr. Rice, do you know what people say behind your back? They say you remind them of the sadistic prison warden in one of those 1970’s half-naked-girls-in-jail flicks like Chained Heat or Prison Mama in Cell Block 9.

You can shoot the messenger or you can hear me out. You need to lighten up your image! Wear earth tones! Get rid of those spiked heels that make everybody duck in corners when you’re CLACK-CLACKING down the hall! Try loafers. And your dresses--start over! For one thing, you’ve got too many buttons and you’ve always got them buttoned so tight to the top of your throat, I think it’s bad for your circulation. Try woolen sweaters that hang a little. Think soft and loose. I think you’re not getting enough oxygen. It’s bad for your image and it’s bad for your health!

I’m the wrong person to even be talking about this. You should ask my wife--she’s got great taste! Everytime somebody compliments me on something I’m wearing, it’s because my wife bought it for me.

“Nice shirt.”
“My wife bought it for me.”

Talk to her. Or talk to one of those gay guys who give people make-overs on TV. Gay guys always know how to make a woman look and feel special. I bet they’d love to give you a make-over!

Anyway, I think if you follow my three-pronged approach you’ll do fine. Remember, the Chinese word for “crisis” is “opportunity.” And the American word for “crisis?” You’ve got it! “Bill Clinton!”

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

 

 
 
 
 
 


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