Monday, February 02, 2004
Federal Communications Commission
445 12th Street, SW
Washington, DC 20554
Dear Mr. Powell,
I AM SHOCKED!
Did you see what I saw during the Super Bowl, or were taking a nap like Our President was? I think we’d better talk to John Ashcroft about this! This is a National Security issue!
Did you know Mike Ditka has an erection problem? It’s true! He said it right there on the Levitra commercial! He said Levitra helped improve his “erection quality.” Then he threw a football through a tire hole, just to prove it. And Mike Ditka wasn’t even a quarterback!
I guess I can understand Mike Ditka having a problem with erections because he played football for a lot of years, and have you seen the hits those guys take? It’s brutal! No matter how strong your protective cup is, it can only help so much. But God bless Mike Ditka. I think it takes a true man to be able to stand up in front of the whole world and admit he has an erection problem.
But that doesn’t explain the Cialis commercial. At the end of that one, they said, "Erections lasting more than four hours, while rare, require immediate medical help." Maybe that explains that rapper at half time. He looked like he had taken Cialis! And he kept grabbing his erection like it hurt. He probably went straight to the hospital afterwards. I wonder what they do to make it go down.
Anyway, I think this is a national crisis. Mike Ditka proved that playing football damages a man’s ability to achieve “quality erections.” And--all those Super Bowl ads about erectile disfunction make me think there are a whole lot of guys watching football who have difficulty getting erections. Maybe the blood stops circulating from sitting so long.
I think there should be an investigation. Let the president choose a commission to report to him after the elections. That way the Democrats won’t be able to play politics with it. But in the meantime, I think you should cancel all football on TV til we get to the bottom of this. It’s a National Security issue--how can America be Number One in the world when nobody can get an erection?!
And all the beer! You’d think America was one big country of beer guzzlers! Beer and Pepsi. There was one beer commercial where a dog bit a guy in the crotch. There was another beer commercial where a wife was screaming at her hen-pecked husband. No wonder nobody can get an erection anymore.
Then there was that streaker who ran out on the field before the second half. He was probably all worked up from all the wild gyrating and erection grabbing and almost-naked dancers at half time. But he didn’t have an erection either.
Speaking of almost-naked people, did you see Janet Jackson’s breast? It was a nice breast, don’t you think? It was well-formed and it looked firm. It wasn’t too big and it wasn’t to small, and what I could see of the nipple appeared to be a nice color. It was hard to get a good look at the nipple because it was encased in a cage, but the tip protruded solidly through the hole in the center of the cage. Would you have liked to have seen her other breast? I think breasts look better in pairs. I bet if you took a poll though, you would find that there were more Super Bowl erections from Levitra and Cialis than from Janet Jackson’s breast. The power of advertising!
I’ll never forget what my grandson Lester said when Janet Jackson showed her breast. He said, “You’re hogging the popcorn!”