Tuesday, January 06, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
Well, we knew it would happen. The Demos are playing sleazy politics again! The nerve of them to say you went AWOL when you were in the National Guard! They trotted that story out four years ago, and you denied it then. Deny it again!
That Guy Who Looks Like Lincoln thinks he’s so great, just because he enlisted when he could have bought his way out, and then he went to Viet Nam and was a war hero and saved a bunch of people. Big deal! Apples and oranges! You did your part too! It takes a pretty special person to get into National Guard flight training school when he doesn’t even qualify! And how were you to know they were phasing out the planes you were training on, so you’d never get to leave Texas?
But this time, the Demos aren’t going to let up. I think you’d better show some records to prove you didn’t go AWOL. If you’re anything like me, you’re terrible at keeping files. You should see my desk--it’s a mess. Ask your wife (Laura) to find the papers for you. My wife is much better at finding things than I am. I bet yours is too. Maybe they’re buried under some old Enron statements.
Anyway, I’m worried all the Demos are going to pile on. I wonder if the reason you haven’t shown any proof that you didn’t go AWOL is you’re saving it for an “October Surprise.” I bet you’re just playing your cards close to the vest, and in October, there will be all kinds of surprises! Do you think October would be a good time to catch bin Laden?
I know you can’t tell me directly if you have an “October Surprise” up your sleeve, but the suspense is killing me. Maybe you can give me a sign. Next time you speak in public, if the answer is “yes,” just say “Uh-h-h-h-h...” two times in the first sentence, and then I can rest easy. Here’s an example:
DIANE SAWYER: Mr. President, do you still believe there are WMD in Iraq?
YOU: Uh-h-h-h-h...There’s no question that uh-h-h-h-h...the world is a safer place without uh-h-h-h-h...Saddam Hussein.
That was three uh-h-h-h-h’s...but sometimes it can’t be helped.