Anti George Bush political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Tuesday, February 10, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500

Dear Mr. President,

I’ll get right to the point. I’m a little worried about this Kerry guy.

For one thing, have you noticed how he wears his American flag lapel pin? It’s always perfectly straight--it looks like it’s been raised on a high and sturdy pole that’s planted firmly in the ground. You can almost see it waving proudly in the breeze. I knew this was going to catch up to you. In the past, you could get away with your lapel pin being crooked, but the stakes are too high now. Next to Kerry’s flag pin, yours looks sort of drab and weighted down--kindof like it’s being pulled along by some sorry four-year-old kid in a parade who needs a nap, lugging this thing that’s twice his size, and he’s walking behind the horses so every time he lets the flag dip too low, it drags through a bunch of horse piles til his parents start yelling at him to lift the flag back up!

Another thing--have you noticed how much taller Kerry is than you? I know it shouldn’t matter, but it does. The taller candidate almost always wins. I’m just worried about how you’ll look in a debate. Right now, if you shook his hand, he could give you a “noogie” on the top of your head with that strong chin of his. Have you thought about putting lifts in your shoes? Maybe you could put a 6 inch stand behind the podium.

Speaking of debates--I know this is a touchy subject, but this is an election year and we have to be brutally honest. Have you heard Kerry speak? He can! Not only that, but he’s really intelligent and he speaks clearly and he has a big deep voice and he can make stuff up really fast even when it’s not planned out! I know we all have our strengths and weaknesses, but I must tell you sir, public speaking is not one of yours. I know there are other important qualities in a president like being a strong leader and a good Christian and a Republican--but eventually, you’re going to have to speak and it could play right into his hands! Maybe you should take a public speaking class. Usually the community colleges offer those sorts of things. Or the Friar’s Club. It might be a good place for you to “network” too!

Anyway, I don’t mean to alarm you. It’s just that this is an election year, and I think you need some fine tuning before you go back into battle.

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

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