Sunday, February 15, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr. President,
EEEEEEEEE--DOGGIES! Gentlemen, start your engines!
Whose idea was it for you to show up at Daytona 500? I bet it was Karl “Boy Genius” Rove. That guy sure earns his money!
I liked the racing jacket you wore. That was a nice touch. It reminded me of when you put on that fighter pilot’s jump suit after we accomplished our mission in Iraq.
Have you heard of the George W. Bush Action Figure? There really is one! It comes with a complete line of combat clothes and equipment. You should get one--it would be a nice souvenir from your White House days. Just let me know and I’ll give you the address. Anyway, now they can add the NASCAR racing jacket to the George W. Bush Action Figure outfit options.
I think you’ve got the NASCAR Dads’ vote just about sewed up! Now what you should do to solidify your base is run a commercial--You could be wearing a NASCAR jacket. You could have a Winston cigarette dangling from your mouth. You could be drinking a can of Bud. You could be filling up your Ford F-350 with deisel from an ExxonMobil gas pump, and you could say, “Hi, y’all. I’m George W. Bush and I wanna be your President for another four years cuz ah’m a good ol’ boy jus’ like you. I like mah cars big and fast and guzzlin’, I like mah Amer-can smokes an’ mah Amer-can beer, and any time ah have trouble startin’ up mah engine, ah jus’ pop a little blue Viagra and EEEEE--DOGGIES!”
You could have the theme song to “Deliverance” playing in the background. The beauty of it is your campaign wouldn’t have to pay for a thing! At the end of the commercial, Dale Earnhardt Jr. could say, “This message has been brought to you by Winston, Anheuser-Busch, ExxonMobil, Ford Trucks, and Viagra, all proud sponsors of NASCAR." They’d foot the whole bill! Then you could save your 150 million for the other 39 states!
260 days til elections!