Saturday, January 10, 2004
Advisor to the President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC 20500
Dear Mr. Rove,
You won’t believe this coincidence!
I was going to write President Bush a letter alerting him that his former Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill betrayed him! I was going to warn him that “The Big O” said the President was like "a blind man in a room full of deaf people" at Cabinet Meetings. (“The Big O” is what Bush liked to call him.) I was going to tell him “The Big O” said Bush knew all along there were no WMD(s) and that he planned to invade Iraq way before 9-11. I was going to say that when “The Big O” told Cheney the country couldn’t afford a tax cut, Cheney said, "Reagan proved deficits don't matter. We won the midterms. This is our due.”
I’m not surprised Bush already knew about all this--he has lots of advisors to read him the headlines. But here’s the coincidence: After I finished warning the President, I was going to suggest he trot out Scott McLellan to make the following statement:
"We appreciate his service, but we are not in the business of doing book reviews. It appears that the world according to Mr. O'Neill is more about trying to justify his own opinion than looking at the reality of the results we are achieving on behalf of the American people."
Can you believe it?! I was going to give him that statement and that’s exactly what he said, word-for-word! I was especially proud of the “book reviews” part. That was a great touch, don’t you think? Oh well, I don’t care who gets the credit, just so the message gets out.
Phase II of Operation Damage Control should be the following: Trot out at least a dozen advisors to tell the public how “engaged” the President is. Remember when you sent out the armies to tell everybody Bush was “intelligent,” just not very “articulate?” Do that--only the code word this time should be: “ENGAGED.” Then, leak a bunch of news stories about how they’ve turned up some materials in Iraq that they think, maybe it might just be possible that there’s a chance that they could beWMD(s) from sometime post-WWII. You can clarify it a few months later and say that after extensive testing, they turned out to be a patch of turnips. It won’t matter--it’ll be on page A15 and by then everybody will have forgotten about it anyway. Then get a whole bunch of smiling poor people, preferrably minorities, out in front of the cameras to talk about all the things they bought with their $100 tax refund. And don’t stop hammering “The Big O” either. Has your research turned up anything on his past yet?
But why am I telling you this? You already know! Either I’m psychic, or maybe it’s just that great minds think alike.
296 days til elections!