Wednesday, January 14, 2004
January 15, 2004
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC 20500
I’ve been meaning to ask you lately--how’s “41” doing? I think it must be really neat to be the 43rd President and have a dad who was the 41st president and you can call each other “41” and “43.”
I think this flap with Paul “Big O” O’Neill will blow over pretty soon. Your advisor Karl “Boy Genius” Rove is pretty smart. He’s already gotten Donald “Rummy” Rumsfeld to say that “Big O” had a big “misunderstanding.” He’ll probably send Colin “Balloonfoot” Powell and Condoleezza “Guru” Rice to make some nice statements about how engaged you are. And it shouldn’t be too hard to get the press corps to back you up. You can count on Candy “Dolce” Crowley and Dick “Stretch” Keil and Bill “Superstretch” Sammon and David “Action” Jackson and George “The Commissioner” Will to put in a good word for you. Watch out for Maureen “The Cobra” Dowd, though. I don’t think she likes you very much.
Why did you change Paul O’Neill’s name from “Pablo” to “Big O?” Was it because you called Senator Paul Wellstone “Pablo” too? Maybe after he died, you didn’t want to jinx “Big O.” But then, you call Senator Olympia Snow “Big O” too. If you were at a meeting with O’Neill and Snow and let’s say you were engaged, and you said, “What do you think, ‘Big O’?” How would they know which one was supposed to talk?
Congratulations on your decision to go to Mars! I was happy to hear that you plan to work with other nations this time instead of the “go-it-alone” approach. Have you talked with Vladmir “Pootie-Poot” Putin about this? What about Tony “Austin Powers” Blair? I think you owe it to him to keep him in the loop. You’ll definitely need Congress’ support to get anywhere--what does Majority Leader Bill “Fristy” Frist think? If you can get “Pedro” and “Pedro” and “Congressman Kick-Ass” and “Mitchie” and “Sweet Susan” and “Hutch” and “Nellie” and “Freddie Boy” and “Big George” and “Saber Tooth” to go along, I think you’ll have the votes to get it through.
We’re all a little worried about Mad Cow Disease. Have you talked with Ann “Bullets” Veneman? I know she thinks it came from Canadian cows. Maybe we should have a chat with the Canadian Ambassador, Paul “Cellooch” Cellucci, and tell him to keep his sick cows in Canada where they belong! Also, I think Tommy “Double T” Thompson over at Health and Human Services should be alerted.
I have a question: When “Pootie-Poot” (Vladmir Putin--he’s the President of Russia) visited you in Crawford, did you go swimming with him? The reason I ask is I heard that another nickname you gave to “Pootie-Poot” was “Ostrich Legs.” I just wondered if you saw his legs and they were skinny and that’s why you call him “Ostrich Legs?”
I guess that’s all for now. Please give my regards to “41” (your dad) and “No. One” (your mom) and “Lump in my Bed” (your wife).
Carl “Pen Pal” Estrada