Ex-President TRUMP

The Mar-a-Lago Club

1100 South Ocean Boulevard,

Palm Beach, Florida 33480

Dear Mr. Ex-President TRUMP,

I’m worried about your upcoming debate with Kamala and I think you know why.  You saw what happened to Biden in the last one!  Just because he slipped up a little bit, Kamala kicked him to the curb!  Now, that JD guy is just waiting for you to mess up so he can kick you to the curb!  JD is frothing at the mouth, hoping you’ll answer a question like you did the other night.  Here was the question:

“If you win in November, can you commit to prioritizing legislation to make child care affordable? And if so, what specific piece of legislation will you advance?”

It was a softball question and you should have hit it out of the park!  But you couldn’t resist showing off how much you’ve studied child care!  You had to impress everybody with your in-depth analysis that explored every nuance of the subject!  Here’s what you said:

“Well, I would do that, and we’re sitting down. You know, I was somebody — we had, Senator Marco Rubio, and my daughter Ivanka, was so impactful on that issue. It’s a very important issue.

"But I think when you talk about the kind of numbers that I’m talking about — that, because look, child care is child care, couldn’t — you know, there’s something — you have to have it in this country. You have to have it. But when you talk about those numbers, compared to the kind of numbers that I’m talking about by taxing foreign nations at levels that they’re not used to. But they’ll get used to it very quickly. And it’s not going to stop them from doing business with us. But they’ll have a very substantial tax when they send product into our country. Those numbers are so much bigger than any numbers that we’re talking about, including child care, that it’s going to take care. We’re going to have — I look forward to having no deficits within a fairly short period of time, coupled with the reductions that I told you about on waste and fraud and all of the other things that are going on in our country.

"Because I have to stay with child care. I want to stay with child care. But those numbers are small relative to the kind of economic numbers that I’m talking about, including growth, but growth also headed up by what the plan is that I just — that I just told you about. We’re going to be taking in trillions of dollars. And as much as child care is talked about as being expensive, it’s, relatively speaking, not very expensive compared to the kind of numbers will be taking in.

"We’re going to make this into an incredible country that can afford to take care of its people. And then we’ll worry about the rest of the world. Let’s help other people. But we’re going to take care of our country first. This is about America first. It’s about make America great again. We have to do it because right now, we’re a failing nation. So we’ll take care of it. Thank you. Very good question. Thank you.”

I know, I know,  You’re saying, “But Carl, that was a perfect answer!  Didn’t you hear the applause?”

And I say to you, sir, with all due respect, the perfect answer is what JD said the other day to the same question:

“Maybe Grandma and Grandpa want to help out a little bit more.”  

By the way, coincidentally, my wife Viola makes a delicious word salad using exactly the same ingredients as you used to answer that question.  Here’s how she makes it:

VIOLA’S FAMOUS CHILD CARE WORD SALAD RECIPE:

Ingredients:

376 random words

7 “child care” mentions

5 “verys”

1 “failing nation” 

1 “make America great again”

11 sentence fragments

5 misplaced modifiers

Directions:

Step 1:  Set aside the “child care” mentions and place the remaining ingredients in a large bowl, preferably of durable material to withstand intense abuse while mixing.  

Step 2:  Toss vigorously for 5 minutes until ingredients are thoroughly blended in random order.  

Step 3:  Sprinkle “child care” mentions liberally over the top.  

Step 4:  Throw full force against the wall and applaud the cook.

Step 5:  Eat whatever sticks.  

Pairs well with ketchup on the wall.

We have to get you in tip-top fighting shape for the debate next week!  JD is ready to pounce!  Kamala is loaded for bear!  David Muir and Linsey Davis are saving up their best “gotcha” questions!  We can’t have you going off on tangents about Ivanka which will invite the moderators to ask if you’d still like to date her!  If you mention Marco Rubio, they’re going to trap you into comparing hand sizes!

The main thing is we don’t want you ad libbing.  You must be disciplined, sir!  No going off on Hannibal Lector and sharks and Cheerios!  I know it plays well in the Mar-a-Lago dining room, but this is a serious debate!  

Fortunately, I’ve made a list of questions and responses that will prepare you for every possible contingency.  You’ll notice the responses I’ve suggested are things you’ve said before.  That’s the beauty of it.  You don't have to memorize anything new! Just stick to the script, repeat everything exactly as I say, and you’ll show yourself to be a master of the issues!  Stay on message and everyone will know you have the discipline and temperament to be the greatest president since Jefferson Davis!  Are you ready?  Here goes:

WHEN ABC SAYS:  Do you want to be a dictator?

YOU SAY:   “No, no, no, other than Day One.  I want to close the border, and I want to drill, drill, drill.”

WHEN ABC SAYS: You have stated that you’re looking for “retribution.”  Could you elaborate on that?

YOU SAY:  “I will root out the communists, Marxists, fascists and the radical left thugs that live like vermin within the confines of our country that lie and steal and cheat on elections."

WHEN ABC SAYS: Do you or do you not support a 6-week abortion ban?

YOU SAY: "Kamala even wants to pass laws to outlaw red meat to stop climate change.”

WHEN ABC SAYS:  Speaking of climate change, do you still consider it a “hoax”?

YOU SAY:  ‘I don’t want to go in the World War I cemetery because they’re a bunch of losers and suckers.’”

WHEN ABC SAYS:  How do you address concerns of people who say you cozy up to dictators like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un?

YOU SAY:  “You take a look at bacon and some of these products. Some people don't eat bacon anymore. And we are going to get the energy prices down. When we get energy down — you know, this was caused by their horrible energy — wind, they want wind all over the place. But when it doesn't blow, we have a little problem.”

WHEN KAMALA SAYS:  "I’ve prosecuted “predators who abused women, fraudsters who ripped off consumers, cheaters who broke the rules for their own gain.  So hear me when I say, I know Donald Trump’s type."

YOU SAY:  “She’s totally against the Jewish people.”

WHEN KAMALA SAYS:  “My vision of an opportunity economy is one where everyone can compete and have a real chance to succeed - where everyone, regardless of who they are, where they start, can build wealth, including intergenerational wealth.”

YOU SAY:  “I didn’t know she was Black until a number of years ago when she happened to turn Black and now she wants to be known as Black. So I don’t know, is she Indian or is she Black?”

WHEN KAMALA SAYS:  “We need reasonable gun safety laws in this country, starting with universal background checks and a renewal of the assault weapon ban, but they have failed to have the courage to act.” 

YOU SAY:  “She wants abortions in the eighth and ninth month of pregnancy, that’s fine with her, right up until birth, and even after birth – the execution of a baby.” 

WHEN KAMALA SAYS:  "I will ensure that America - not China - wins the competition for the 21st Century.”

YOU SAY:  “Commie Kamala” is a real “wack job!”  She’s “dumb as a rock,” “real garbage,” “a bum!”  And besides that, she’s “nasty” and “she had a very good friend named Willie Brown.  He knows more about her than anybody’s ever known. He could tell you every single thing about her, could tell you stories that you’re not going to want to hear.”

Follow my instructions and you’ll win every vote that your electors can count!

One more thing:  Don’t worry about the muted mikes.  You don’t have to interrupt Kamala to make your point.  Remember the Hillary debate when you stalked her like the Orange Hulk?  Do that!  When Kamala says: 

“Consider: Donald Trump has openly vowed if re-elected he’ll be a dictator on day one, that he will weaponize the Department of Justice against his political enemies, round up peaceful protesters and throw them out of our country and even, and even and I quote, ‘terminate’ the United States Constitution….” 

…don’t worry if your mike is off!  Just walk over and troll her like Frankenstein’s monster—or should I say Hannibal Lector—and Kamala will cave faster than you can say, “I know nothing about Project 2025!”

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.S.  Did you hear Liz Cheney is endorsing Kamala?  It’s true!  Not only that, her dad is too!  Here’s what Dick Cheney said:  “In our nation’s 248 year history, there has never been an individual who is a greater threat to our republic than Donald Trump.  He can never be trusted with power again.”

P.P.S.  Dick and Liz Cheney!  Adam Kinzinger!  Stephanie Grisham!  John McCain’s son, Jimmy!  Over 200 former GOP staffers for the past four Republican presidential nominees,!  I admit, sir, if George W. Bush jumps off the TRUMP train, I might have to start looking for a new candidate.  Maybe I'll write in somebody more mainstream. Somebody like RFK Jr.

P.P.P.S.  Please send an autographed photo.  Make it out to my grandson Lester.  You’re his favorite child care expert!  He likes you even better than Jeffrey Epstein!