Ex-President TRUMP

The Mar-a-Lago Club

1100 South Ocean Boulevard,

Palm Beach, Florida 33480

Dear Mr. Ex-President TRUMP,

Heads up!  May Day!  All hands on deck!  There are storm clouds on the horizon and you don’t have a clue!  

The problem with you, sir, is you have one fault, and here it is: You’re too trusting!  You’re so honest and selfless, it just doesn’t occur to you that some people would stab you in the back.  

But here we are, and I guess it’s on me to tell you what nobody else has the heart to say.  It’s up to me to break the news that even your best friends, even your beloved family, even Don Jr. won’t tell you!  Sit down, sir, and I’ll give it to you straight:

That JD guy you chose to be your Vice President?  He’s trying to steal your job!

I know, I know.  You’re saying, “But Carl, JD loves me!  He worships the ground I walk on!  Remember when I said:

“ ‘JD is kissing my ass he wants my support so bad.’ ”

Yes, JD wants your support.  Yes, he’s kissing your ass.  But ask yourself why!  

Don’t you see?  Every time you try to talk sense about immigrants and abortion and “nasty” women, JD one-ups you!

You used to be the King of Locker Room Talk!  Remember when you said Mika Brzezinski was "bleeding badly from a face-lift” and Megyn Kelly had “blood coming out of her whatever”?

Remember when you called Megyn a “bimbo,” and Mika “crazy, low IQ,” and Rosie O’Donnell a “fat, ugly slob,” and Stormy Daniels a “horseface,” and Omarosa a “dog,” and Bette Midler an “extremely unattractive woman”?  

Those were the salad days!  

Now you can’t even make up a decent nickname for Kamala!  Sometimes you even pronounce her name right!

I know, I know!  You’re saying, “But Carl, I’ve called Kamala a ‘wack job.’  I’ve called her a ‘communist, dumb as a rock, real garbage, a bum,’ and ‘nasty.’   I re-posted a video of a singer saying Kamala has spent her life ‘down on her knees.’ 

“What more do you want from me?”

And I say to you, sir, with all due respect, that’s so 2016!  You’re like Frankie Avalon trotting out his greatest hits at the Senior Center! 

Tell me this:  When was the last time you took credit for killing Roe v. Wade?  I’ll tell you when.  It was more than a year ago, on May 17, 2023, when you said, “I was able to kill Roe v. Wade.”

I know, I know.  You’re whispering, “Carl!  SH-H-H-H!  oolit-Cay ith-way e-thay o-Ray ee-vay ade-Way uff-stay!  

Sir, I know it’s a touchy subject, but you’re a big believer in facts.  And the fact is:  Now you’re afraid to admit you killed Roe v. Wade!  Now you’re afraid to say you’re gonna vote for a 6-week abortion ban!  

And while you’re ducking for cover, that JD guy is stealing your material!  Remember when you called Haiti and African nations “shithole countries”?  Well, listen to what JD said last week:

“This country belongs to Ilhan Omar in the same way that it belongs to me.  But, my God, show a little appreciation for the fact that you would be living in a craphole if this country didn’t bring you to a place that has, obviously, its problems, but has a lot of prosperity, too.”

This is plagiarism!  JD’s copy/pasting your best tunes, changing a few notes, adding a few “ands” and “howevers,” cleaning it up with a little Yale-educated grammar, and saying he made it up himself!   

Listen to this:

“You have women who think that truly, the liberationist path is to spend 90 hours a week working in a cubicle at McKinsey, instead of starting a family and having children.  What they don’t realize — and I think some of them do eventually realize that, thank God — is that that is actually a path to misery.” 

And you’re wondering why your crowd size has shriveled to a little, itty-bitty peanut-size gang?  It’s because the MAGA unfaithful have moseyed on over to hear what the donut-eating Man-of-the-People has to say.  And guess what?  

They like it!  When JD does his best “childless cat lady” impersonation and says this:

“I live in a 1,200 sq ft apartment in New York and I pay $5,000 a month for it. But I’m really better than these other people. What I’m going to do is project my racial and gender sensitivities on the rest of them.” 

They nod their heads and say, “That 39 year-old hillbilly from Yale makes a lot of sense!”

Don’t you see?  JD is cornering the anti-woman market!  He’s stealing your tunes, repackaging them, and taking all the credit.  And another thing:

JD is half your age!  Literally!  

MATH POP QUIZ:

What’s 39 x 2?

No, the answer is not:  Person, woman, man, camera, TV.

Answer:  39 x 2 = your age.

Don’t you see?  When JD speaks he’s young and energetic and he speaks in sentences that don’t turn into a 50-car pileup on the Brooklyn Bridge!  

When you speak, you sound like Joe Biden on a bad debate night.

Speaking of Joe Biden, remember how Kamala muscled him out of his job?  That’s exactly what JD is trying to do to you!  When you say things like: 

“You deserve a president who …always has your best interests and has your back.  I have your back, I have your heart, and I have every other part of your body.” 

JD is licking his chops!  He’s thinking, “You just keep talking, old man, and I’ll be president faster than you can say, ‘God blesh the United Shtach of Amurca!’ ”

You have to get JD off the ticket before he elbows you out!  Who are you planning to replace him with?  I say go with Marjorie Taylor Greene!  Maybe she can help you with the women’s vote.

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.S.  A few days ago, you said, "Whoever heard you get indicted for interfering with a presidential election where you have every right to do it, you get indicted, and your poll numbers go up?" 

That’s right, sir!  You just keep piling up those indictments for election interference and watch those poll numbers soar!

P.P.S.  How many indictments do you need to find 11,780 votes in Georgia?

P.P.P.S.  Please send an autographed photo.  Make it out to my grandson Lester.  You’re his favorite geriatric leader.  He likes you even better than Mitch McConnell!