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Tuesday, September 03, 2024

Senator James Donald Bowman

aka: “Jimmy Hammel”

aka: “JD Vance”

288 Russell Senate Office Building

Washington, DC 20510

 

Dear Senator “Vance,”

We’ve got a big problem and I think you know what it is!

No, it’s not the “childless cat lady” thing.  That’s so last week!  And the week before that and the week before that.  It’s also so 2023, 2022, and 2021.  You’ve been joking about childless cat ladies for a long time.  You were joking about childless cat ladies even before Roe v. Wade was overturned!  Since then, some of those childless cat ladies couldn’t get abortions so they’re not childless anymore.

Maybe now that they’re not childless, they won’t be so hysterical and offended by your jokes.  Maybe they’ll vote for you now.

But that’s not the problem.  Also, I’m not worried about the video you posted showing Miss South Carolina giving a cringey interview for Miss Teen USA.  You played it side-by-side with Kamala’s cringey interview on CNN.  The 17 year-old contestant was so embarrassed by that interview, she considered suicide.  Here’s what you said about posting that interview:

“There’s nothing that says we can’t tell some jokes along the way while we deal with the very serious business of bringing back our public policy.  Politics has gotten way too lame, way too boring.”

Good point!  Politics has gotten so boring lately!  What with Biden doing a face plant in the debate, and a Black/Asian woman replacing him, and old man TRUMP getting the top of his ear shot off, and him going to Arlington where his aide pushed aside the female guard like his boss  pushed aside the Prime Minister of Montenegro—I don’t need Ambien to fall asleep anymore. I just watch the news!

Politics is so boring!  No wonder you’re trolling 17 year-old girls on the internet!  

But I’m getting distracted.  I want to talk about our problem.  No, it’s not Peter Thiel.  He’s the billionaire who dumped $100 million into your venture capital business, then he poured another $15 million into your Senate run. Then he gave old man TRUMP and Don Jr. an offer they couldn’t refuse, and just like that, you got picked for VP. 

I’ve gotta admit we do have a problem there.  When you’re going for the folksy, donut-eating, Midwestern Man-of-the-People vibe, you don’t want it to get out that you’re a Yale graduate who’s being funded by a billionaire.  Not a good look.

Fortunately, it’s so boring.  Nothing puts people to sleep faster than a 2-year Senator whose only government experience is making friends with Don Jr. and getting hand-picked by a billionaire to be the new Mike Pence!  At age 39.  

Yawn.  

If the radical left makes an issue of it, just turn on your sparkling charm, fire up your dazzling wit, and make a hilarious joke. It’s like you said, the best cure for “making mistakes in the public eye is to laugh at ourselves, laugh at this stuff, and try to have some fun in politics.”   

You’re such a kidder!  

Speaking of kidders, I still haven’t gotten to our problem.  But I’m sure you know exactly where I’m going.  Here’s the problem:

It’s your running mate.  He’s unhinged!  That guy has more malfunctions than a Boeing 747!

Old man TRUMP is like Henny Youngman telling his tired old jokes on the Borscht Belt circuit!  Henny Youngman used to say:

“I’m offended by political jokes.  Too often they get elected.”

BA-DUM-BUM!

“Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill.  Check 3 friends.  If they are okay, you’re it.”

BA-DUM-BUM!

“I said to my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’  She said, ‘I want to go somewhere I’ve never been before.’  I said, ‘Try the kitchen.’ ”

Hey, that’s a pretty good one!  You should use it!  

Old man TRUMP used to rattle off 6 of those sexist jokes before his first Diet Coke in the morning!  But he wouldn’t have the cojones to tell a joke like that now.  His manliness is getting limp.  He used to be rigid on abortion!  He hand-picked 3 Supreme Court Justices to rise up and come down on it hard!  When the issue came to a climax, they overturned a 50 year-old law!  And here’s what he said:

“I was able to kill Roe v. Wade.”

But now he’s afraid women might be mad at him.  What’s he so scared of?  He’s still got the White-Men-Over-60 vote!  He’s still got the fake electors!  He’s still got the Supreme Court!

The old man is getting soft on women!  Do you know he says he’ll  mandate insurance coverage of in vitro fertilization?  This is outrageous!  I thought we were going to outlaw IVF because we need to protect the poor, defenseless “frozen embryonic human beings!” 

Doesn’t he know that if he insured IVF, it would be covered through…wait for it…Obamacare!

But that’s not all!  First he says he’s voting yes on the Florida ballot measure that would repeal their 6-week abortion ban.  Then he says he’ll vote no.  

Then he says, “I think six weeks, you need more time.”  

Then he says, “At the same time, the Democrats are radical.  So I’ll be voting no for that reason.”  *

I can’t keep up!  Old man TRUMP has changed directions more times than OJ Simpson evading the cops in his Ford Bronco!

And why?  All so he can get a few women to vote for him?  Listen: You and I know the old man is missing a few burgers in his Happy Meal!   He doesn’t have the ammo anymore to wage a decent War on Women!

That’s where you come in, Senator Bowman, aka: “Jimmy Hammel,” aka: “JD Vance!”  You have the perfect combination of youth, vigor, righteousness, Whiteness, and misogyny to take the battle straight to the weaker sex!  

You should just keep saying that women who believe in “racial and gender equity are on a career pipeline that causes them to chase things that will make them miserable and unhappy.  So they get in positions of power, and then they project that misery and unhappiness on the rest of society."  

You keep talking about how your young son likes to fight imaginary monsters and how if China ever invades us, we’ll be defended by manly men like your son and not “the soy boys who want to feed the monsters.”

You keep talking and pretty soon the Grand Old Republican Party will see that our savior has been sitting right under our nose the whole time!  They’ll see a REAL man who will put the “White” back in the White House!  They’ll see TRUMP for what he is: A tired old man with a tired old schtick, whose years of orange hair dye have warped his brain.  They’ll dump him faster than you can say:  “Nancy Pelosi had nothing to do with Joe Biden resigning!”

Then the presidency will be yours!

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

*P.S.  The reason old man TRUMP called the Florida Democrats “radical”  is he says they want to allow abortion at 9 months and beyond.  Here’s a list of Democrats who support abortions at 9 months:

1.

2.

3.

P.P.S.  Who will you choose for a running mate?  I think you should go with Ted Cruz.  You need somebody likable to balance out the ticket.

P.P.P.S.  Please send an autographed photo.  Make it out to my grandson Lester.  You’re his favorite manly candidate.  He thinks you’re even more manly than Lindsey Graham!

  

 

 

 
 
 
 
 


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