Senator James Donald Bowman

aka: “Jimmy Hammel”

aka: “JD Vance”

288 Russell Senate Office Building

Washington, DC 20510

Dear Senator Vance,

I want to be the first to congratulate you on your job as ex-President TRUMP’s new  “Jingles!”  Do you remember Jingles?  He was Wild Bill’s sidekick on the old black and white TV western, Wild Bill Hickok. He’d bounce all of his 300 pounds on his poor suffering horse while Wild Bill galloped ahead, and he’d yell, “Hey Wild Bill!  Wait for me!” 

Jingles thought Wild Bill Hickok was "the bravest, strongest, fightingest U.S. Marshal in the whole West.  He beat up all the bad guys and somehow kept his good looks.”

Sounds like a Donald TRUMP trading card!

Ex-President TRUMP could be Jingles too—if Jingles played golf.  But I don’t think he’d want to be your sidekick, so you will have to be Jingles.  I have a question:

Did TRUMP make you an offer you couldn’t refuse when you agreed to be Jingles?  Did you wake up one morning and find a horse’s head in your bed?  Or maybe a cat’s head?  The reason I ask is…

POP QUIZ:

Name the people who made the following statements:

1.“I’m a Never Trump guy.  I never liked him.”

a) Bernie Sanders

b) Chuck Schumer

c) JD Vance

2) “Trump is “America’s Hitler.”

a) Nancy Pelosi

b) Alexandra Ocasio Cortez

c) JD Vance

3) “My god, what an idiot.”

a) Henry Kissinger

b) Jeffrey Epstein

c) JD Vance

4) “…a cynical asshole like Nixon.”

a) Tucker Carlson

b) JFK Jr.

c) JD Vance

5. “Mr. Trump is unfit for our nation’s highest office.”

a) Mike Pence

b) Nikki Haley

c) JD Vance

6. “I can’t stomach Trump.”

a) Melania Trump

b) Ivanka Trump

c) JD Vance

Answers:

1-c, 2-c, 3-c, 4-c, 5-c, 6-c

I’m sure those other people said some mean things too, but only you had the guts to say it out loud.  Only you, JD Vance, had the rugged, Republican, Christian manliness to stand rigid and erect, and say this:

“Like a lot of people, I criticized Trump back in 2016.  And I ask folks not to judge me based on what I said in 2016, because I’ve been very open that I did say those critical things and I regret them, and I regret being wrong about the guy.”

In this day and age, at a time when boys are playing with Barbie dolls, and getting sex change operations so they can beat up women boxers, and they’re selling tampons in the boys’ bathrooms, it’s so refreshing to see a real man like you, standing hard and firm, and saying things like:

“He made a lot of good decisions for people, and I think he took a lot of flak. think that’s the most important thing, is not what you said five years ago, but whether you’re willing to stand up and take the heat and take the hits for actually defending the interests of the American people,”

You said that when you were a best-selling hillbilly author/Yale graduate/Man-of-the-People running for Senator.  And ex-President TRUMP threw his full Jingles-size weight behind you when he said this:

“JD is kissing my ass he wants my support so bad.”

But that’s so 2 years ago!  Now we’re living in different times.  Running for Vice-President requires a whole new skill set.  Now, not only do you have to kiss TRUMP’s ass, you also have to learn how to charm “childless cat ladies.”  Now you have to learn how to convince a 10 year-old girl who was raped by her uncle that she should have the baby because of “sanctity of life” and all that. Now, when you lecture battered wives that they shouldn’t “shift spouses like they change their underwear,” you have to pretend to be likable!

Now you have to learn to make conversation in a donut shop.  

Speaking of donut shops, I have a question and here it is:

WHAT THE !@#$%^&* WERE YOU THINKING???  YOU WALKED INTO THAT DONUT SHOP LIKE YOU WERE WALKING INTO A TENT OF A HOMELESS PERSON WHO WAS DYING FROM EBOLI!!!  

YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN  WEARING YOUR HAZMAT SUIT!!!

Senator, I’m going to be brutally honest.  We have a problem.  You’ve taken a blow torch and insulted every living being on this planet!   

I know, I know.  You’re saying, “But Carl, I haven’t insulted EVERY living being on the planet!  You heard me say it yourself: ‘I’ve got nothing against cats.’ ”

And I say to you, sir, with all due respect, cats don’t vote!  Okay, okay—maybe they vote in Florida.  But you’ve already got the cat vote locked up.  They’re all Republicans anyway!  It’s the dogs who are Democrats and Independents. Those are the votes you need to worry about!

I hate to say this, but Yale left a huge gap in your education!  Did you skip the class on Man-of-the-People 101?  Or were you listening during the “Man” part and tune out the part about “People”?  

We’ve got to get you up to speed fast!  Fortunately, I know just the guy to teach you. His name is Tim Walz.  This guy was a high school teacher for 20 years!  He was even a football coach!  His students adored him!  Here are some of the things his students said about Coach Walz:

"Leaving his class, going to the next one, it was really hard to not want to continue to learn.  Because it was like this sugar high that just doesn’t stop…Mr. Walz brought passion every day. He loved to coach. He loved to teach.” 

Senator, it’s time for you to re-enroll in Man-of-the-People 101!  And this time pay attention to Coach Walz!  Here are lessons 1 thru 3, straight from the mouths of the students who sat at the feet of the master:

Man-of-the-People Lesson #1:

“Wearing a tie and sweating profusely and just working his ass off as a teacher.”

You see?  Become a teacher!  Next time you walk into a donut shop, wear a tie, sweat profusely, work your ass off, and share your latest recipe for road kill with grits!  Not only will those donut shop employees love you, but you’ll win the RFK Jr. vote! 

Man-of-the-People Lesson #2:

"He doesn’t let any hand get unshaken.  Walz would run back and forth, back and forth, shaking hands. This man does not stop."

When you go to that donut shop, don’t just stand there like a Jehovah’s Witness missionary who just got dropped off in the Congo!  Run back and forth and shake everybody’s hand!  

And no, Senator!  Don’t break out the Purell until AFTER you leave!   

Man-of-the-People Lesson #3:

"I heard some crunching and munching and looked out over the side and saw Walz’s hand zipping into the bag of Oreos as fast as I possibly have seen any hand move.  And that bag of Oreos disappeared very quickly."

Get that?  Eat a whole bag of Oreos!  Nothing says “Man-of-the-People" like a stomach-gorging, artery-clogging, cardiac-shocking Oreo binge! 

But wait, Senator!  DO NOT—I REPEAT—DO NOT pound down Oreos in the donut shop!  Hoo boy!  This Man-of-the-People thing is harder than I thought.  Listen, Mr. Yale graduate:  When you’re in a DONUT shop, what do you binge on?  

No fair asking, RFK Jr.  That guy would go into a donut shop and eat a whale’s head! 

On second thought, forget the Man-of-the-People stuff.  Just stick to issues of substance.  Issues like:   

“I’m sympathetic to the view that like, okay, look here, here’s a situation — let’s say Roe vs. Wade is overruled. Ohio bans abortion, in 2022 or let’s say 2024. And then, you know, every day George Soros sends a 747 to Columbus to load up disproportionately black women to get them to go have abortions in California. And of course, the left will celebrate this as a victory for diversity — uh, that’s kind of creepy.”

Never mind.  From now on, let ex-President TRUMP do the talking.  Just make sure they mute the mike.

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.S.  Who ARE you?  I read that your birth name was James Donald Bowman but you changed it to Jimmy Hammel.  Then when you got married 10 years ago, you changed it again to James David “JD”Vance.  And now you’re “Jingles!”  I can’t keep up!

P.P.S.  Lots of people are saying you’re an AI creation.  Lots of people.  Please send birth certificate.  

P.P.P.S. Please send an autographed photo.  Make it out to my grandson Lester.  You’re his favorite Man’s Man.  He likes you even better than Tucker Carlson!