Ex-President TRUMP

The Mar-a-Lago Club

1100 South Ocean Boulevard,

Palm Beach, Florida 33480

Dear Mr. Ex-President TRUMP,

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written.  For a while I thought you were crushing it and you didn’t need my advice.  I wasn’t even worried when “Sleepy Joe Biden” dropped out and tried to steal the election by letting Commie Kamala run.  You predicted Biden would change his mind when the Democrat Convention rolled around and I believed you.

But the Democrat Convention rolled around and Biden rolled over!  On the very first night!  They didn’t even give him a prime time spot!  You could tell by the way he was yelling that it was way past his bedtime!

Speaking of bedtime, ever since the Democrat Convention started, I’ve been having trouble getting out of bed.  There was something so soul-crushing about that convention!  I can’t exactly put my finger on it.  It’s just…all those speeches about “HOPE” and “JOY”and “FREEDOM”…all those speakers were making so much…how do I say it?…….SENSE!

I know, I know.  You’re saying, “But Carl, “Laffin’ Kamala” is a fraud, a phony, a con!  Those huge crowds you’re seeing are all AI.  Her crowds are actually smaller than a Kid Rock concert!”

And I say to you sir, with all due respect, do you know you’ve been pronouncing her name wrong?  It’s true!  Did you see her cute little nieces at the convention?  They taught the audience how to say Kamala so any kindergartener could understand.  Okay, listen carefully.  First you say, “Comma,” like a comma that breaks up a sentence.  Then you say “La,” like “la la la.”  So it’s Comma-la.”  

You see how easy?  Kamala’s niece Amara is 8.  Her other niece Leela is 6.  If they can pronounce “Kamala” right, so can you!  Remember when you mastered that cognitive test where you had to memorize the words: “Person, woman, man, camera, TV”?  If they gave awards for flexible brains, you’d win gold!  You’re the Simone Biles of mental gymnastics! 

I’m sure you can pronounce “Comma-la.”  Go ahead!  Try it!  It might take a little practice but I’m sure you’ll get it  eventually.

Speaking of cognitive, ever since the Democrat Convention when I haven’t been able to get out bed, my wife Viola says I’m suffering from “cognitive dissonance.”  I had to google “cognitive dissonance,” and here’s what it said:

“Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person feels when their behavior does not align with their values or beliefs. Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person holds two contradictory beliefs at the same time.”

I don’t know what that means but maybe it’s like when you want to legalize semi-automatic weapons because you believe in the sanctity of life.  

Or maybe it’s like when Hakeem Jeffries said:

“Donald Trump is like an old boy friend who you broke up with.  But he just won’t go away…Bro’ we broke up with you for a reason.  Donald Trump can spin the block all he wants but there’s no reason for us to ever get back together.  Been there, done that!  We’re not going back.”

Wait a minute!  I thought everybody who’s not from San Francisco loved you!  And now Hakeem Jeffries wants to break up with you!  And he’s not even from San Francisco!  

I’m confused.  First you’ve got two grade school girls correcting your pronunciation.  Then Hakeem Jeffries wants to break up with you.  Then Michelle Obama says this:

“I want to know—who’s going to tell him that the job he is currently seeking might just be one of those Black jobs?”

At first I thought, “How dare she insult you by saying you want a Black job!  Why would Donald J. TRUMP want ANY job!”  But then I said to myself, “Michelle’s got a point.”  

Remember when you said Obama was born in Kenya?  You don’t get any Blacker than that.  And you have to admit:  You wanted his Black job ever since he said this at the White House Correspondents Dinner:  

“Donald Trump is here tonight! Now, I know that he’s taken some flak lately, but no one is happier, no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than the Donald.  And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter –- like, did we fake the moon landing?  What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?”

Speaking of faking the moon landing, congratulations on getting RFK Jr.’s endorsement.  This is huge!  The only endorsements Kamala could get were Beyonce, Stevie Wonder, John Legend, Pink, Patti LaBelle, Steph Curry, Steve Kerr, The Chicks, and Oprah.  But look at YOUR star-studded list:

RFK Jr.

Kid Rock

Hulk Hogan

Let’s see…Hulk Hogan or Oprah. That’s a tough call.  Sort of like Michelle Obama or Ted Cruz.  Apples and oranges,

Back to Oprah.  My ears perked up when she said:

 “But we are beyond ridiculous tweets and lies and foolery. These are complicated times, people. And they require adult conversation…And more than anything, you know this is true, that decency and respect are on the ballot in 2024.  And just plain common sense.”

I have to confess, by the time Oprah got done, I was nodding my head and shaking my fist in the air and yelling, “YES!  YES!  COMMON SENSE!”

Common sense says on one side you have a candidate who is friends with Putin and Viktor Orban and Kim Jong-Un.  And here are the leaders who Kamala is friends with:

Everybody else.

That was when Viola found me curled up in a fetal position under the blankets and she said, “I see you’re having another attack of cognitive dissonance.”

I lay there for the longest time trying to make sense of the world  I was just starting to figure out that it was a good thing that you are friends with the world’s biggest dictators because maybe then they’ll be nice to you.  Then I heard Tim Walz say:

“When I was teaching, every year we’d elect a student body president. And you know what? Those teenagers could teach Donald Trump a hell of a lot about what a leader is.” 

And I thought:  “They could?”

Then he said:  “Leaders don’t spend all day insulting people and blaming others.” 

And I thought:  “They don’t?”

Then he said:  “Leaders do the work.”

And I thought:  “They do?”

Then, you won’t believe what Tim Walz said next!  Here’s what he said:

“In Minnesota, we respect our neighbors and the personal choices they make. And even if we wouldn’t make those same choices for ourselves, we’ve got a golden rule: Mind your own damn business.”

I jumped out of bed and waved both fists in the air and yelled, “Yeah!  Right!  Mind your own damn business!”

But then I thought, “Wait a minute.  If I mind my own damn business, how are we going to stop people from being gay and having abortions and telling their kids that Thomas Jefferson was a slave owner?”

I spent all the next day in bed, pondering these deep thoughts, and then it was time for the main event:  Kamala Harris! 

Remember when you said she’s a nasty, crazy, far-left radical communist who smiles too much and laughs too much, who’s “not smart,” and you’re “much better looking than her.”

I know she’s all those things because you said so, but I get so confused.  She made me think when she said:

“We will create what I call an opportunity economy. An opportunity economy where everyone has a chance to compete and a chance to succeed. Whether you live in a rural area, small town or big city.  And as president, I will bring together labor and workers, and small business owners, and entrepreneurs, and American companies.  To create jobs. To grow our economy. And lower the cost of everyday needs. Like health care. Housing. And groceries.  We will provide access to capital for small business owners, entrepreneurs, and founders. And we will end America's housing shortage, and protect Social Security and Medicare.”

Is that what you meant when you called her a “Communist”?

Then she said:

“In many ways, Donald Trump is an unserious man. But the consequences of putting Donald Trump back in the White House are extremely serious.”

I guess that’s what you meant when you said she was “nasty.”   

She went on and on about all the horrible things you did, like trying to rig the election, and starting an insurrection, and being found guilty of fraud and liable for sexual abuse.  But she wasn’t just nasty to you!  She was nasty to your Republican friends too:

“As a part of his agenda, he and his allies would limit access to birth control, ban medication abortion and enact a nationwide abortion ban with or without Congress. And get this, he plans to create a national anti-abortion coordinator, and force states to report on women's miscarriages and abortions. 

“Simply put, they are out of their minds.”

And I thought, “Maybe I’m out of my mind too.”

That was when Viola came in the room and said, “Look at you, Carl.  You’re smiling!”

You warned us that “she’s crazy, she’s nuts” when she smiles that big 1000-watt smile, and “she’s weird” when she laughs.  I guess I was feeling a little bit crazy, nuts, and weird myself, because I couldn’t stop smiling!  

Fortunately after thinking it through, I came to my senses.  I remembered that the Democrats are a bunch of pedophiles who are coming for my guns, who kill babies when they’re born, who let millions of murderers and rapists pour across our borders, and who want to take away our freedom to be a White Christian nation!  Or to quote Kamala:

“Simply put, they are out of their minds!”

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.S.  WARNING:  DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT SHAKE RFK JR’S HAND!!!  Lots of people are saying brain worms are highly contagious and the fastest way to transmit them is through a hand shake!

P.P.S.  Uh oh.  I saw you already did shake his hand.  If you start talking about sharks or Hannibal Lector, we’ll know he gave it to you.

P.P.P.S. Please send an autographed photo.  Make it out to my grandson Lester.  You’re his favorite Republican celebrity.  He likes you even better than Hulk Hogan!