Ex-President TRUMP

The Mar-a-Lago Club

1100 South Ocean Boulevard,

Palm Beach, Florida 33480

Dear Mr. Ex-President TRUMP,

I’m sorry for not writing for so long.  I’ve been distracted with lots of important things.  Like RFK Jr. having worms eating his brain.  

This news got me worrying that maybe worms were eating your brain too.  But then I got to thinking:

This is a guy who could get impeached twice and walk away smelling like a bottle of Old Spice!

This is a guy who could stare unprotected straight into an eclipse and not go blind!

This is a guy who could have unprotected sex with a porn star and not get an STD!

So I’m not worried about worms eating your brain.  They’d die on contact!

But I am worried about mercury!  RFK Jr. suffered from "cognitive problems” and “short-term and longer-term memory loss”  and “brain fog”  from eating too many tuna sandwiches.  I know we don’t have to worry about tuna sandwiches with you, but I did ask RFK Jr. if Big Macs have mercury.  I’ll let you know as soon as I hear back.

I forgot to ask him about Diet Coke.  I’ll ask him about that too, but just to be on the safe side, I think you should lay off the Big Macs and Diet Cokes until we get the all clear from RFK Jr.

Speaking of Old Spice, I have a legal question and here it is:

WHY CAN’T YOU EVER FIND A DECENT LAWYER???!!!

Is it because the good ones want to get paid more than your dishwasher?  By the way, your dishwasher says he hasn’t gotten paid yet.  You’d better square up with him or you’re going to end up with another court case!  

Maybe you can’t get.a decent lawyer because all your lawyers end up having to hire lawyers, and now every attorney in New York is taken!

Back to Old Spice, I hate to tell you this but between you and me, your lawyer Susan Necheles is committing legal malpractice!  When Stormy Daniels testified that she sneaked a peek in your bathroom and found your Old Spice and gold tweezers, Susan Necheles was asleep at the switch!  Stormy’s memoir told a totally different story!  In her memoir, Stormy not only said she found Old Spice and gold tweezers in your bathroom, but she found Pert two-in-one shampoo.  She told you at the time, “That explains your hair.”

Here’s what else she said:

"There was something so right and so wrong about a purported billionaire using a two-in-one shampoo and conditioner," 

You see?  Susan Necheles didn’t even notice that Stormy never mentioned the Pert two-in-one shampoo in her testimony!   This would have proved she was making the whole story up!  

Instead of the Pert line of questioning, Necheles tried a different attack:

“You have a lot of experience making phony stories about sex appear to be real?”

I thought she had her there, but Stormy squirmed out of it when she said:

“If that story was untrue, I would have written it to be a lot better.”

At that point, I was screaming, “Get back to the Pert shampoo!”  But what does Necheles do?  She doubles down and calls you an “orange turd.”

I know, I know.  You’re saying, “But Carl, Susan Necheles didn’t call me an ‘orange turd.’  She was talking about a tweet that Stormy Daniels wrote.”

Right.  I copy that.  Okay, technically Necheles didn’t call you an “orange turd.”  She was talking about a tweet from one of your fans who called Stormy Daniels a “human toilet,” to which Stormy tweeted that that would make her the best person to “flush the orange turd down.”  Necheles said:

“You don’t want to say who you meant by ‘orange turd’?” 

And I thought, checkmate!  But then Stormy replied, “Oh, I absolutely meant Mr. Trump.” 

It’s a good thing you never had sex with her.  You’d have been in way over your head!  You probably would have had to pay her $130,000 to keep quiet!

It’s all your lawyers’ fault!  That Todd Blanche guy is as bad as Susan Necheles!  If he hadn’t denied in his opening statement that you ever had sex with that woman, Stormy never would have been allowed to testify that you didn’t use a condom, and that she she spanked you with a rolled up magazine with your picture on the cover, and that she reminded you of your daughter, and that she was 27 and she’d never felt 60 year-old skin before.

I take it back.  The judge wouldn’t allow the part about 60 year-old skin to be put in the record.  But he allowed all that other stuff because YOUR GUYS DIDN’T OBJECT!!!

HOW, FOR THE LOVE OF FORBES MAGAZINE, COULD YOUR LAWYERS NOT OBJECT???!!!  EVERYBODY OBJECTS!!!  EVEN I OBJECT!!!  I CAN’T STOP WATCHING BUT I OBJECT!!!

There’s only one thing to do:  You’re going to have to testify!

I know, I know.  You’re saying, “But Carl, my lawyers would put me in a straight jacket and stuff a golden sneaker in my mouth before they’d let me testify!  They tell me my mouth is looser than a pair of silk pajamas!”

And I say to you sir, with all due respect, if you don’t get up on that stand and defend yourself, those silk pajamas will be replaced with an orange jump suit faster than you can say “Rikers Island!”

You’ve been complaining for weeks about that gag order and how they won’t let you speak your truth!  Well, now’s your chance!  Go ahead!  Place your hand on that bible--maybe they’ll let you use the TRUMP bible—and tell the honest-to-god truth which is: You never even had dinner with that woman!  True!

And you for sure never slept with her!  True!

And you never paid her a dime!  True!

And if the prosecutor asks you about that picture of you with Stormy Daniels, just tell him you thought it was Ivanka.

Sincerely,

Carl Estrada

P.S.  Does that Pert two-in-one really work?  I’d like to know because I’m going to go take a shower.

P.P.S.  Please send an autographed photo.  Make it out to my grandson, Lester.  You’re his favorite rich and powerful playboy.  He likes you even better than Harvey Weinstein.