Fox Broadcasting Company
1211 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10036
PLEASE FORWARD TO:
Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson
Former Fox Employee
I want to be the first to say congratulations on being the first media star in history to be fired by PBS, CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News! You’ve been fired more times than an AR-15 at a school shooting!
The whole world is asking: Why did you got fired this time?
Was it because Rupert Murdoch burned his testicles when he tanned them after watching your special, “The End of Men”? That was the one where you said testicle tanning would increase testosterone which would save our society from collapse. You should have known it was irresponsible to recommend testicle tanning to a 90 year-old man!
Did you get fired because of your upcoming show, “Let Them Eat Bugs”? That’s the one where you were going to warn us that the global elites are making us replace eating meat with insects. Here’s what you said:
“It’s part of a larger agenda.”
Maybe you got fired because no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t get blacks, browns, women, Muslims, Jews, Latinos, Asians, Native Americans, and LGBTQs to watch your show. Mr. Murdoch is a businessman! He knows those 3 million old white guys who watch you won’t even be able to find the remote in a few years. Time to diversify!
Did you get fired because your former head of booking, Abby Grossberg, is suing you and Fox for creating “a work environment that subjugates women based on vile sexist stereotypes"? She’s so hysterical and confused! Just because you made anti-Jewish jokes doesn’t make you a sexist!
She also accused you of being racist. Does she think having pictures on your wall of Nancy Pelosi in a bikini or calling women the “c” word makes you a racist? She’s so emotional and irrational! Just wait till her monthly passes and maybe she’ll calm down.
Maybe you got fired because Fox had to fork up $786.5 million to Dominion for reporting what everybody who watches Fox News already knows—that the 2020 election was stolen. Remember way back when you said:
“The protesters were angry: They believed that the election they had just voted in had been unfairly conducted. And they were right. In retrospect, it is clear the 2020 election was a grave betrayal of American democracy. Given the facts that have since emerged about that election, no honest person can deny it.”
You said that last month.
Maybe you should have ut-pay a-ay id-lay on-ay e-thay onspiracy-cay eories-thay. At least until ratings month!
Maybe Fox fired you because you kept having Mike Lindell, the MyPillow guy, on your show, night after night, because he was the only guy left who would sponsor you. He kept saying over and over that he had evidence that the election was stolen. He dared Dominion to sue him. And guess what?
They took him up on his offer. They’re suing him for $1.3 billion! I did the math. Mike Lindell will have to sell 1,300,000 pillows to break even. It’s lucky you got fired! If you had stayed on, you might have lost your only sponsor.
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, MyPillow wasn’t my only sponsor!”
Oh, right. You had Balance of Nature too. They’re the outfit that sells broccoli and oranges in a pill for $69.95 a month. The FDA warned them to stop making claims that they treat diseases like multiple sclerosis, diabetes, and arthritis. No wonder you hate the FDA!
Speaking of the FDA, maybe Fox fired you because you said on your show that health experts want to keep us socially distanced after we get our Covid vaccinations because they secretly know the vax is ineffective. Here’s what you said:
“Maybe it doesn't work, and they're simply not telling you that.”
Maybe. Who knows? You have a right to ask.
Anyway, count me among 3 million old white guys who are heartbroken. We relied on you, Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson, to tell the stories Joe Lunchbucket wants to hear! We’re going to miss how you furl your brow and look cross-eyed as if Dr. Fauci is explaining the theory of relativity after you’ve had a beer-chugging contest with Brett Kavanaugh.
Where do you think you’ll get fired next? I hear Newsmax is looking for talent. Maybe you could replace Greta Van Sustern. Just tell CEO Christopher Ruddy what you told Bubba the Love Sponge on his show. You said women are “extremely primitive” and “like dogs.” You said Alexis Stewart is “extremely c…y.” Say something like that about Greta! You’ll have her job at Newsmax faster than you can say, “Brittney Spears and Paris Hilton are two of the biggest whores in America!”
By the way, I bet you didn’t know that, as well as being a neighborhood grocer, I’m also a poet. It’s true! I write really good poems! My only problem is I’m no good at rhyming. I wrote one for you today. But once again, I’ve got complete writer’s block with a word I’m trying to rhyme. Want to see what I’ve got so far? Here it goes:
There once was an anchor named Tucker,
Who bamboozled many a-sucker,
The truth he did skew,
So Fox News got sued,
And now we say, “Good riddance, you ……..
You see? The whole poem works except for the very last word. I just can’t seem to find a word that rhymes with Tucker. Can you help me out?
P.S. Why did you get fired at CNN? Was it because Jon Stewart came on your Crossfire show and asked you how old you were? You said, “35.” And here’s what Jon Stewart said:
“And you wear a bow tie?”
P.P.S. Or did you get fired because you told Jon Stewart, “I do think you’re more fun on your show. Just my opinion.”
To which Jon Stewart replied, “You know what’s interesting, though? You’re as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.”
P.P.P.S. Please send an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite fired Fox star. He likes you even better than Bill O’Reilly!