Congressman James Daniel “Gym” Jordan
House Judiciary Committee Chairman
2056 Rayburn House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
Dear Congressman Jordan,
RED ALERT! ALL HANDS ON DECK! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!
Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg just filed a lawsuit against you! He accused you of an “unprecedentedly brazen and unconstitutional attack” on the prosecution of President TRUMP. Here’s what he said in the lawsuit:
“Rather than allowing the criminal process to proceed in the ordinary course, Chairman Jordan and the committee are participating in a campaign of intimidation, retaliation and obstruction.”
Can’t you see?! You’re walking into a trap!
I know, I know. You’re yelling, “BUT CARL! YOU’RE FORGETTING MY SECRET WEAPON! I’M A WORLD CHAMPION YELLER! DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME YELL AT HILLARY CLINTON FOR 11 HOURS DURING THE BENGHAZI HEARING?! DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME YELLING WHEN PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS GETTING IMPEACHED?! I CAN YELL LOUDER THAN YOKO ONO!”
And I say to you, Mr. Jordan…
“AND ANOTHER THING! I CAN KEEP YELLING OVER BRAGG SO HE CAN’T GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE! AND I’LL KEEP YELLING TILL BRAGG GETS SMOTHERED IN A VAT OF MY WORD SALAD!
That’s all fine, but…
“NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I CAN TWEET! DIDN’T YOU SEE MY TWEET IN RESPONSE TO BRAGG’S INDICTMENT?! HERE’S MY TWEET:
“First, they indict a president for no crime. Then, they sue to block congressional oversight when we ask questions about the federal funds they say they used to do it.”
Okay, okay, Gym. You’re proving my point. Listen: Do you know what the Harvard Crimson called Bragg when he graduated?
“The Anointed One.”
Do you know why Alvin Bragg was The Anointed One at Harvard? It’s because he had a history of taking on huge challenges and always succeeding.
And just in the one year since he’s been Manhattan DA, he’s gotten a 6-count fraud indictment on Steve Bannon, he’s put TRUMP Organization Chief Financial Officer Allan Weisselberg in prison for tax evasion schemes, and now he’s indicted TRUMP himself on 34 counts of getting spanked by Stormy Daniels.
On the other hand, you’ve succeeded too. You were a pretty successful assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State when you successfully covered up the sexual assault of 177 wrestlers by coach Richard Strauss.
But I hope you’ll take this in the spirit it’s given: You’re getting played! Bragg is playing you like Jimi Hendrix played a guitar! He’s beating you like Ginger Baker used to beat his drums! Bragg is coming to this fight with an AR-15 and all you’ve got is a squirt gun!
You’re in over your head, sir! Alvin Bragg is really smart! And, with all due respect, you are…how can I say this politely…you’re sort of…what’s the word I’m looking for…
I know, I know. You’re yelling, “BUT CARL! I’M NOT EVEN THE STUPIDEST MEMBER OF CONGRESS! I’M SMARTER THAN MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN! I’M SMARTER THAN LAUREN BOEBERT!”
Okay, Mr. Congressman. My point is…
“I MIGHT EVEN BE SMARTER THAN LOUIS GOMER!”
Okay okay, Gym. Don’t get your wrestling shorts all in a bunch. I’m trying to help. Remember last month when you sent that letter to Bragg demanding that he provide documents, communications, and testimony about his investigation of TRUMP? Do you remember his response? Here it is:
"The House GOP continues to attempt to undermine an active investigation and ongoing New York criminal case with an unprecedented campaign of harassment and intimidation. Repeated efforts to weaken state and local law enforcement actions are an abuse of power and will not deter us from our duty to uphold the law."
Classic takedown! You thought you had Bragg in an old-fashioned Headlock, but he reversed it and put you in the old Stepover Armlock Camel Clutch!
You thought you could wriggle out of the Camel Clutch with a Reverse Scissors Subpoena, but it backfired. Here’s why:
First you subpoenaed Mark Pomerantz, the Manhattan prosecutor who resigned because he didn’t think Bragg was being tough enough.
MEMO TO CONGRESSMAN EINSTEIN: If you’re trying to defend TRUMP, don’t do it by hauling in the guy who has even more incriminating evidence than the guy who’s indicting him!
Speaking of the guy who’s indicting TRUMP, what did you do next, Stephen Hawking? You threatened to subpoena Bragg! You thought you could wrestle him into submission and he’d turn over every bit of evidence he was using in his prosecution. Well guess what?
Bragg spun you around and put you in a Figure Four Headlock! Now that he’s suing you, he can subpoena YOU for all your communications with President TRUMP! With that information, you could be indicted faster than you can say, “Colluding with a defendant to obstruct an investigation!”
By the way, who’s your favorite cartoon character? Mine is Wile E. Coyote. Don’t you love how Wile E. Coyote is always plotting to blow up the Roadrunner but the Acme Dynamite always ends up exploding in his face? I laugh every time Wile E. Coyote paints a hole in a rock and Roadrunner runs right through it, but when Wile E. Coyote chases after him, he smashes into the rock and gets flattened. They’re selling a whole catalogue of Acme products online: Acme Dynamite, Acme Axle Grease, Acme Giant Rubber Bands, Acme Rocket Powered Roller Skates…You should order some!
I’m telling you what your best friends won’t tell you. You’re a T-ball player trying to hit major league pitching! You’re a kindergartener trying to dunk a basketball! Get out before you dig yourself in any deeper! The only way to save yourself is to resign from the Judiciary Committee!
On second thought, maybe you should just resign from Congress altogether. You can always go back to being an assistant wrestling coach. I’m sure Ohio State would welcome you back with open arms!
P.S. Please send an autographed picture. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite yeller. He likes you even better than Alex Jones!