Mr. Joseph “Joe” Tacopina
Founder, Lead Attorney
Tacopina Seigel & Deoreo
275 Madison Avenue, 35th Floor,
New York, New York 10016
Dear Mr. Tacopina,
I’m inquiring for a “friend” who would like to retain your legal services.
My “friend” got himself in trouble when he had—how should I say it—“intimate relations” with a porn star. It only happened once and it didn’t last more than a minute, but still. It’s causing him problems.
You see, he’s running for his local school board. He decided to run when he found out the school library was carrying To Kill a Mockingbird. You can imagine how outraged he was. Not only that but the "woke" school board was writing a law to ban the bullying of trans kids. My “friend” did his Patriotic duty—he decided to run.
But there’s this little thing about the porn star. My “friend” did what any American would do if they were running for school board and were about to get caught having intimate relations with a porn star—he paid her off.
But just like any American, he couldn’t pay her off out of his own bank account. For one thing, his wife Viola—whoops—let’s call her “Virginia”—his wife “Virginia” would find out.
For another thing, the check could be easily traced and he’d lose his bid to be on the school board. So he did what any American would do. He got the checker at the grocery store he owns to write a check to the porn star. Then he set up a shell company in the Cayman Islands and deposited the exact amount in a bank there, and for the next year he wrote the checker checks out of that account to reimburse him for “professional services.”
But now my “friend” is in legal trouble, and you’re the only guy who can help him. You’ve had lots of experience with this kind of thing since you’ve been representing—let’s call him—Individual One.
Speaking of Individual One, because you will be so kind as to represent my “friend” in this legal matter, I will return the favor and give you a piece of legal advice. And that advice is:
RUN! GET AS FAR AWAY FROM INDIVIDUAL ONE AS YOUR PRIVATE JET CAN TAKE YOU! THAT GUY IS NOTHING BUT TROUBLE! HE IS TO LAWYERS WHAT FENTANYL IS TO A DRUG ADDICT!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl. This is an opportunity of a lifetime! Just from this case alone, I’ve gotten more TV time than when I represented Michael Jackson, Sean Hannity, Don Imus, and Kimberly Guilfoyle combined! Besides, with a name like Tacopina, I’m made for this case! I’ll be perfect for the upcoming Netflix series: "The President and the Porn Star!”
And I say to you, Mr. Fancy Pants, Madison Avenue, 35th Floor, Two-Jars-of-Brylcreem Lawyer, read your history! Individual One chews up and spits out his lawyers faster than you can say:
“David Pecker is leaking!”
There. You see? Pecker’s got a name that’s even better than yours! They might even fit his name into the Netflix title: The President’s Pecker and the Porn Star.
But look where it got him. Pecker led the “catch and kill” operation at the National Enquirer, and now he’s the star witness who might spill the beans before he gets caught and killed himself.
And take a look at the lawyers who have had their careers caught and killed by Individual One:
Michael Cohen—Individual One consigliere turned “rat.” Did three years for implementing the President and the Porn Star scheme. Law license revoked.
Rudy Giuliani—Shoe polish-leaking Individual One lawyer, famous for 9/11 and for speaking in front of Fantasy Island Adult Books. Law license currently suspended in Washington DC.
Sidney Powell—Famous participant in the Gushing Shoe Polish Incident. Spent days on Individual One’s “Elite Strike Force,” sued multiple technology companies for manipulating votes for Biden. Currently being sanctioned in Michigan and being pursued for sanctions in Wisconsin.
Jenna Ellis—legal advisor to Individual One, spread false claims that Individual One was the true winner of the 2020 election. Censured in Colorado. Admitted that she "undermined the American public's confidence in the presidential election" and "had a selfish motive.”
Here are a few other attorneys who have been sanctioned as a result of the work they did for Individual One:
Alina Habba, Michael T. Madaio, Peter Ticktin, Jamie Alan Sasson, Lin Wood, Emily Newman, Gregory Rohl, Scott Hagerstrom, Stefanie Lynn Junttila, Julia Z. Haller, Brandon Johnson, Howard Kleinhendler, Ernest J. Walker, Gary D. Fielder.
And don’t get me started on other Individual One associates who are charged with crimes:
Allen Weisselberg—Chief Financial Advisor for Individual One’s convicted family business. Finishing up five months at Rikers and might still need a plea bargain to avoid spending the rest of his life in the slammer.
Steve Bannon—Siphoned hundreds of thousands of dollars from his Build The Wall Group to pay for his own pleasures involving yachts and Chinese billionaires. Convicted of fraud. Pardoned by Individual One.
Roger Stone—convicted of lying to Congress and threatening a witness. Pardoned by Individual One.
Michael Flynn—lied to the FBI about his contact with Russia and his lobbying for Turkey. Pardoned by Individual One.
Paul Manafort—Individual One’s campaign manager. I told you don’t get me started! Ukraine! Russia! Turkey! Conspiracy against the US, conspiracy to obstruct justice! Pardoned by Individual One.
Rick Gates! Tom Barrack! Elliott Broidy! George Nader! George Papadopoulos!
My point is, Mr.Tacopina, no matter how perfect your name is for this story, it’s not worth it! The battlefield is littered with legal gladiators who got arrested, lost their license, got sanctioned, and/or got stiffed! Here is a list of Individual One’s lawyers who never got paid:
All of them.
Now Individual One is threatening “death and destruction!” He’s insulting the prosecutor, the judge, the judge’s wife, and his daughter. Jump into the life boat! If Bill Barr’s in there, throw him out!
You can always get a job representing my “friend.” He’d love to have a guy named Tacopina defending him against charges of paying hush money to a porn star!
P.S. Enclosed please find $1. That’s a retainer for your services as my “friend’s” attorney. I know it’s not a lot, but it’s one dollar more than you’ll ever get from Individual One.
P.P.S. Please send an autographed picture. Make it out to my grandson Lester. You’re his favorite Individual One player. He likes you even better than David Pecker.