The Mar-a-Lago Club
1100 South Ocean Boulevard,
Palm Beach, Florida 33480
Dear Mr. Ex-President TRUMP,
I want to be the first to congratulate you on your indictment by the Manhattan grand jury! You’ve passed another milestone in your glorious career! You’ve broken so many records, Michael Jordan is saying, “Wow! That guy has broken a lot of records!” Here are just a few of the many records you’ve shattered:
Most lies told during one presidential term (known): 30,573.
Most conflicts of interest in a single term (known): 3,737
Most trips to a president’s own properties in a single term: 547
Most trips to a president’s own golf courses in a single term: 328
Most money spent by special interest groups at a president’s properties: $13 million
Biggest settlement against a university owned by a president: $25 million against Trump University
Most felony tax fraud convictions against a single company owned by a president: 17 against the Trump Organization—$1.6 million fine
First American president to be impeached TWICE!
Most Senate votes for removal from office: 57
First American president to pay hush money to a porn star AND a Playboy bunny.
First American president to withhold aid to an ally in exchange for dirt on his political rival.
First American president to incite an insurrection to overthrow his own government.
Most tweets: Over 25,000
Most incriminating tweets : Over 25,000
And now the icing on the cake! The jewel on the crown! The orange jumpsuit on the felon!:
First American President To Be Indicted For A Crime!
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, my work isn’t nearly done. I’m about to rack up two—maybe three—more big indictments! One in Georgia (‘I just want to find 11,780 votes’) and two from the DOJ (‘If you don’t fight like hell you’re not going to have a country anymore’ and ‘It’s also possible that the Trump Hating Marxist Thugs in charge will ‘plant’ documents while they’re in possession of the material.’)”
And I say to you sir, with all due respect: POLITICAL PERSECUTION! WITCH HUNT! They couldn’t get you for the big crimes so they’re nickel and dime-ing you to death with TRUMP-ed up charges about paying off a porn star to keep quiet about sleeping with her! I told this to my wife Viola, and here’s what she said:
VIOLA: “You’ve got to be kidding me, Carl! Stormy Daniels may have had sex with King Con, but she never ever would have slept with him!”
ME: “You’re missing the point. They’re indicting him for a fake little crime just because they want to bring him down.”
VIOLA: “I’ve got two words for you, Carl.
ME: “Witch Hunt?”
VIOLA: “Al Capone.”
VIOLA: “Al Capone was the suspected mastermind of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, and you know what they got him for? Tax evasion!”
ME: “What’s your point?”
VIOLA: “My point is, when a rich and powerful guy is doing everything possible to manipulate and destroy our system of government and laws (which by the way your guy has been doing his entire life), then for the safety of the country and the world, you’d better bring him down any way you can.”
ME: “That proves it! It’s all political!”
VIOLA: “You’re damn right it’s political, Carl! It was political when your guy paid off Stormy Daniels just one day after the “grab ‘em by the pussy” tape came out and just two weeks before the election. It was political that he violated campaign finance laws by making unreported payments to his campaign. It was political that Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen went to jail for doing the dirty work of ‘Individual One.’ And it was political that ‘Individual One’ was inoculated from prosecution because he happened to be President at the time. And it was political that…”
ME: “Election interference! Target in search of a crime! Banana republic!”
VIOLA: “…he tried to nullify the Georgia votes and set up his own phony slate of electors. It was political that he sicked the mob on the capitol on January 6. It was political that he sneaked all those classified documents home with him and wouldn’t give ‘em up. It was political that…”
ME: “Hunter Biden! Hillary’s emails! Benghazi!”
You can see where this was going. Once Viola gets on a roll, she gets hysterical and it’s hard to reason with her. Do you have that problem with Melania? Does she get hysterical every time you pay off some girl who reminds you of Ivanka to keep quiet? Or does she just quietly slap your hand away when you’re walking together in public?
Anyway, I agree with Mike Pence that it’s “outrageous” that you’re being arrested for paying hush money to a porn star. I bet if Pence had sex with a porn star, he’d pay her to keep quiet too!
As I write this, you’re on a plane to New York to get arraigned. Give my regards to Marjorie Taylor Green. If she gets arrested, maybe you can share the same jail cell!
P.S. Do you think Marjorie Taylor Green will be your running mate in 2024? Your campaign slogan could be: MAKE AMERICA HATE AGAIN!
P.P.S. Please send an autographed picture. Use the same signature you used on the checks you wrote to Michael Cohen.
P.P.P.S. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite politician who paid hush money to a girl friend who he “slept” with. He likes you even better than John Edwards!
P.P.P.P.S. I think John Edwards might have actually slept with his girl friend.