The Mar-a-Lago Club
1100 South Ocean Boulevard,
Palm Beach, Florida 33480
Dear Mr. Ex-President TRUMP,
I want to be the first to congratulate you on your new book: Letters to Trump. And only $99 apiece—or $399 for a signed addition! Now you’ll be able to make bail for sure!
I’ve got a bone to pick with you though. This book has letters from lots of famous people who have written you over the years: Nixon, Reagan, Oprah, Kim Jong-Un, Bill & Hillary, and many more. Your promo on Amazon says:
“The forgotten men and women of America were forgotten no more because we finally had a President who put America First.”
But there’s one man of America you have forgotten. And that man of America is:
By my count I’ve written to you 121 times, but did you see fit to include even one of my letters in your book? No!
You didn’t include my job application when I volunteered to be your chief of staff. Here was my pledge to you as chief of staff:
“No matter how stupid the things you say, I will never hold my head in my hands and make a face like Pence would make if he found out his daughter had a sex change operation!”
You could have included my letter where I chastised you for recommending Lysol to cure Covid. My point was, there was such a run on Lysol that the shortage was making it impossible to disinfect my toilet.
In that letter, I offered you a better solution to Covid which was TRUMP blood. I correctly pointed out that TRUMP blood was immune to any disease and would kill Covid on sight. I suggested you sell it by the drop. With all due respect, sir, you were asleep at the switch!
But it’s not too late! Sell your TRUMP blood for $99 a drop! You’ll sell more blood drops than all your books and TRUMP steaks combined! Not all your fans read, but they all bleed. You’ll make bail faster than you can say, “AlvinBraggLetitiaJamesJackSmithSouthernDistrictofNewYorkFultonCountyGeorgiaUSJusticeDepartmentOhMyGodThewallsareclosingin!”
I guess I understand why you didn’t include my April 30, 2019 letter when I congratulated you for The Washington Post article that gave you credit for telling 10,000 lies since you had become president. With 20/20 hindsight, that was like congratulating Tom Brady for winning his first Super Bowl. You still had a long way to go! By the time you were forced to leave the White House on the technicality that Joe Biden got more votes, you had set an all-time record for telling 30,573 lies! That letter is a bit dated now, so I can see why you wouldn’t want use it.
But you’re missing the boat! You should start a new campaign called:
THE $99-PER-LIE CHALLENGE!
It works like this: Every time your fans catch you in a lie, they send you $99! Or if they want to save time, they can sign up for auto-pay and decide in advance how many lies per day they want to pay you for. You can even offer a discount of $99.99 if they pay in advance for, say, 5 lies per day. You’ll make bail faster than you can say: “I never had sex with Stormy Daniels but even if I did I never paid her off I only paid Michael Cohen to pay her off and it was a business expense that had nothing to do with the fact that I was running for president and the Access Hollywood tape had come out the day before and the election was only three weeks away so the only reason I didn’t pay her off when I paid her off is I didn’t want Melania to know.”
I’ve made my point! Your book doesn’t come out until April 25 so there’s still time to stop the presses and include one of my letters to you. You have 121 to choose from! I’ll make you a deal: If you’ll include just one of my letters, I’ll pay you $99! I’ll even buy copies for every one of my friends! The proceeds of sales to me will help you make bail faster than you can say: “Don’t drop the soap in the shower!”
P.S. Tell McCarthy and Jordan to “oolit-cay ith-way e-thay eaponization-Way ommittee-Cay.” Between you and me, if those two guys got $99 for every one of their brain cells, they’d wouldn’t make enough to split a pizza. With friends like those, who needs a lawyer named Tacopina?
P.P.S. Speaking of Tacopina, I hear that lawyer of yours was meeting with Stormy Daniels before he met with you. No problem! Just say he was auditioning for one of her movies. With a name like “Tacopina,” I know your fans will believe you.
P.P.P.S. Speaking of attorneys, do you think there's a way to shut your attorney Evan Corcoran up? The judge has ruled that "the former president had committed criminal violations" when you and Corcoran didn't turn over those 100 classified documents to the FBI and you swore you didn't have them, and now she says he has to testify. Maybe Michael Cohen can pay him $130,000.
P.P.P.P.S. Please send me an autographed copy of your new book, “Letters to Trump.” Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite author. He likes you even better than George Santos!
P.P.P.P.P.S. He wrote War and Peace.