Senator Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz
Washington, DC 20510
Dear Senator Rafael “Ted” Cruz,
I bet you’re wondering who my Favorite Politician of All-Time is. I’ll give you some hints:
Hint #1: When his state’s electric grid crashed in a winter freeze and millions of his constituents had no power and were burning their furniture to stay warm, which Senator decided it was a perfect time to take a well-earned vacation in Cancun?
Hint #2a: Which Senator’s wife did President TRUMP called “ugly”?
Hint #2b: Whose father did President TRUMP accuse of being part of the plot to kill JFK?
Hint #3a: Which Senator channeled his inner Will Smith and leaped to his wife’s defense by calling President TRUMP a “sniveling coward…utterly amoral…and a “serial philanderer”?
Hint #3b: Which Senator then channeled his inner Barney Fife and said this:
"After many months of careful consideration, of prayer and searching my own conscience, I have decided that on Election Day, I will vote for the Republican nominee, Donald Trump.”
With all your degrees from Princeton and Harvard, I bet you’re smart enough to now solve the mystery of who is my Favorite Politician of All-Time.
Still stumped? No, it’s not Lindsey Graham. Here’s what he said about my favorite politician:
“If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.”
Rick Wilson, you say? No no! He’s not even a Senator. He’s a Republican consultant. Here’s what Rick Wilson said about my favorite politician:
“You either hate him or you hate him.”
Still don’t know? I guess all that Ivy League schooling doesn’t always add up to street smarts. Give up? Okay, I’ll give you the answer to my question. My Favorite Politician of All-Time is:
You! Senator Rafael “Ted” Cruz!
And here’s why: All those degrees from Princeton and Harvard Law School made you such an insightful, critical thinker—you’re the only person who can come up with a common sense solution to the epidemic of gun violence that’s wrecking our country! Only you, Raphael “Ted” Cruz have the intellect, the education, and yes, the wisdom to lead us out of the wilderness! And here’s how you would solve the problem of mass murders in our schools, churches, and malls:
That’s why you’re a U.S. Senator and I’m just a humble neighborhood grocer! Sometimes genius is being able to see an answer so simple, so obvious, that it would never even occur to anybody else! Here’s what you said about doors:
"One of the things that everyone agrees is don't have all of these unlocked backdoors. Have one door into and out of the school and have that one door, armed police officers at that door. If that had happened… when that psychopath arrived, the armed police officers could have taken him out."
Everyone agrees! The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with a locked back door!
If the radical left would only use their imagination, they would see how sensible, rational, and compassionate you are! It’s so obvious that when the U.S. is the only country in the world with more guns than people, there’s only one way to stop the carnage:
Lock the back doors!
In 2022, we’ve averaged more than one mass shooting per day. The takeaway?
Lock the back doors!
Our country’s homicide rate is more than double the average for all other countries. The lesson?
Lock the back doors!
When we have 4% of the world’s population but 1/3 of all the firearm suicides, this leads us to one obvious conclusion:
Lock the back doors! Ask any fire marshal!
Also, take out a life insurance policy.
I get it, Senator Raphael “Ted” Cruz—you’re a back door man. But with your bias toward back doors, you're missing the elephant in the room: Mental health. It’s like Texas Governor Abbott said:
“Anybody who shoots somebody else has a mental health challenge. Period. We as a government need to find a way to target that mental health challenge and to do something about it.”
That’s why Abbott cut 211 million dollars from Texas’ mental health budget this year. No point in the government wasting all that money on crazy people!
Abbott is right! We have a mental health crisis in America! Stop getting defensive—I’m not talking about Republicans! I’m talking about a common sense solution sitting right before our eyes, and here it is:
Arm the mentally ill!
It’s the only thing that makes sense! When we issue an AR-15 to every crazy person in this country, can you imagine how scared the bad guys will be? That’ll stop mass murders faster than you can say:
“I don’t know if it’’s the water, something in the air, the cherry blossoms, but people get here and they stop listening to the American people.”
Guess who said that? I’ll only give you one hint this time. It was the same guy who filibustered Obama’s Affordable Care Act by reading Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor.
Back to arming the crazies. What are you waiting for, Senator Raphael “Ted” Cruz? You’re a lawmaker! Do your job and make a law! Remember:
The only thing that can stop a bad psychopath with a gun is a good psychopath with a gun!
Put up a sign on every back door in every school in the country saying:
THIS DOOR IS LOCKED. PLEASE GO AROUND TO THE FRONT.
Then, when the bad guy goes to the front door, he’ll see this sign:
WARNING: GOOD PSYCHOPATH WITH A GUN. ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.
That’ll stop the bad psychopath with a gun faster than you can say:
That Sam I Am,
That Sam I Am.
I do not like that Sam I Am.
P.S. Please send me a photo of yourself. Autographed. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite politician too. He likes you even better than Louie Gomer.
P.P.S. Speaking of Louie Gomer, did you hear what he said today? Here’s what he said:
“If you’re a Republican, you can’t even lie to Congress or lie to an FBI agent or they’re coming after you.”
P.P.P.S. Gomer is right! Republicans can never get away with lying! Just ask Donald TRUMP!