Wayne LaPierre, CEO
National Rifle Association of America
11250 Waples Mill Road,
Fairfax, VA 22030
Dear Mr. LaPierre,
I’m sorry to say I won’t be attending the NRA convention in Houston this weekend. It’s been a difficult decision but given the latest turn of events, I can’t in good conscience take part in it.
No, when you announced that we would not be allowed to carry weapons to the convention, I said to myself:
“Carl, do you really want to live in a country where you can’t even carry your own AR-15 to an NRA convention? What’s next? Are they going to deny me my Constitutional right to pack heat into my grandkids’ school?”
Speaking of packing heat into schools, when Ted Cruz gets his law passed to hire ex-cops and marines to stand armed and ready at every school in America, you can sign me up. I will stand tall before the locked door at the front of the school and I’ll be ready to blow away any radical left fire marshall who tells me we’re in code violation!
But back to the issue of not allowing guns at the NRA convention. It brings me to the obvious question, and I ask it with all due respect:
WHAT, IN THE NAME OF TED BUNDY, IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!
Aren’t you the guy who said, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.”
You clearly have not thought this through, Mr. LaPierre! When President of Mara Lago Donald J. TRUMP shows up, if you don’t allow your 2000 conventioneers to pack their AR-15s, how, in the name of Norman Bates, are you going to stop a bad guy from throwing a pie in his face?
Didn’t you hear what his ex- lawyer Michael Cohen said??? Here’s what he said:
"For some reason, that upset Mr. Trump terribly. We were all instructed that if somebody was to ever throw anything at him, that if that person didn't end up in the hospital, we'd all be fired."
Cohen went on to say President TRUMP was “obsessed with pies. It wasn't just one time. It was an ongoing and regular thing. As he would go out to various different open venues, he would always remind Keith Schiller to keep his eyes open. He never would turn around and say, 'If anyone throws a rock or a bottle….' It's always a pie. He always brought up that pie thing."
With all due respect, Mr. LaPierre, this is dereliction of duty! Criminal negligence! Political malpractice! If you insist on being a spineless little weasel and not allow us to bring our guns to a pie fight, the least you could do is you could issue pies to every man, woman, and child who walks through the doors! We need 2000 good guys with pies to stop a bad guy with a pie!
But back to the tragic school shooting. Thank God for real Americans like Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and you who want to “harden our schools” with common sense gun laws! Like hiring armed guards at every school in the country. Like retro-fitting every school so there is only one door in and out, and keep it locked at all times. Like making kids walk through metal detectors when they come to class.
And paying for it will be so simple! We can use the funds that teachers have been collecting for paper and crayons!
But here’s the trouble with Republicans these days: You just aren’t hard enough! If you’re serious about “hardening our schools,” there’s only one solution, and here it is:
Arm the kids! That’s right! We need to issue an AR-15 to every K-12 child in America and require them to carry their weapon to school each day! That will solve our mass shooting problem faster than you can say, “Columbine High School, Red Lake High School, West Nickel Mines Amish School, Virginia Tech, Northern Illinois University, Oikos University, Sandy Hook Elementary School, University of California Santa Barbara, Marysville Pilchuck High School, Umpqua Community College, Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, Santa Fe High School, Oxford High School, Robb Elementary School!”
I even have a name for your new program: Kids Karrying Karbines. Or KKK for short!
What are you waiting for?! Start passing out those guns to kids, Mr. LaPierre! In the name of Hannibal Lecter, do your job!
P.S. Remember when I said we’d have to blow away the radical left fire marshall if he said we were in code violation? Maybe that’s what Marjorie Taylor Greene was talking about when she told President TRUMP he should declare “Marshall Law.”
P.P.S. Please send a photo of yourself. Autographed. Make it out to my grandson Lester. You’re his favorite oligarch. He likes you even better than Oleg Deripaska!