Ex-President-elect Donald J. trump,
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Ex-President-elect trump:
I want to be the first to say congratulations on your big win! You got more votes than Obama did in 2008! You can go home now.
The only problem is Biden got 4 or 5 or 6 million more votes than you did, depending on when you can make them stop counting. That makes you…let’s see…what’s the word I’m looking for….oh, right….
Don’t worry. It’s okay to be a loser. Do what losers always do: Muck it up in the courts! With your crack legal team of Rudy Giuliani and Pam Bondi, what could go wrong?
Speaking of Rudy, I saw that you sent him to the Philadelphia Four Seasons for a press conference, but instead of going to the Four Seasons hotel he ended up in front of Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Blame it on the GPS! I once set my GPS to take me to Treasure Island Books but instead I ended up at Fantasy Island Adult Books!
That’s where Rudy ended up when he went to Four Seasons Total Landscaping too! Right between Fantasy Island Adult Books and the Delaware Valley Cremation Center. But it all worked out. He got to hold his press conference and tell everybody that you won, then he went to Four Seasons Total Landscaping to buy some cactus starts, then right next door to Fantasy Island to buy a gift for Borat’s 15-year-old daughter, then to the crematorium to burn a bunch of letters from his Russian friends. One stop shopping!
Where was I? Oh, right. Loser. Don’t let the fake news media get you down! You have the facts on your side.
FACT: The radical-ist left-ist social-ist Democrat-ists stole the election by counting all the votes from the people who stood seven hours in line and waded through a sea of Covid-infected patriots who were defending our freedom by standing guard with their AK-47s to make sure every voter could duplicate his or her signature with their numb and shaky hands!
FACT: Election Day is November 3! Vote counting should have stopped at the stroke of midnight! Then you would have only lost by two million votes!
FACT: Many people say the Democrats cheated! Many people! Many many people! They say many many Democrats cheated. Many people say that.
FACT: Many people say the only way to sort this out is to let the Supreme Court decide. And if you don’t believe me, I’ve got three words for you:
Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, Amy Coney Barrett.
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, that’s seven words.”
And I say to you, Mr. Ex-President-elect trump, stop being so precise! Don’t you know every politician stretches the truth once in a while? The Washington Post says you’ve only told 20,000 lies (give or take a few thousand) since you’ve been president. If you had a vote for every lie you’ve told, you might have won Pennsylvania!
I’ve got two more words for you: Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito. Add those words to Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Barrett, and there’s your get-out-of-jail-free card! Those justices will keep you safe in the White House faster than you can say: “Un-indicted co-conspirator!”
Now I hear even Melania is trying to talk you into quitting. Don’t listen to her! Melania’s been chomping at the bit to leave that “real dump” of a White House ever since she locked herself in her room four years ago! She can’t wait to get back to trump Tower so she can lock herself in a room with real class!
You can’t leave yet! There’s too much left to do! I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, look at what I’ve accomplished already. I shattered the all-time record for children separated from their parents! I’m the first president in history to lose jobs on my watch! I blew Bush’s record of 3,000 deaths on 9/11 out of the water! I’ve accomplished 230,000 Covid deaths and counting!”
And I say to you, Mr. ex-President-elect trump, that’s an impressive record but your work is unfinished. Here are three more facts:
FACT: George W. Bush is still the Babe Ruth of torture! He waterboarded more guys in a single day than you did in your entire four years! Why, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed alone got waterboarded 183 times! You’ve got a long way to go to catch up!
FACT: You racked up an impressive record of detaining immigrants in concentration camps, but Bush still has you beat. He held 780 prisoners at Guantanamo illegally and indefinitely, held them in solitary confinement, tortured them, held unfair trials or no trials at all. Colin Powell’s aide Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson said that most of the detainees were innocent but were kept there for “political expedience.” Now most of those prisoners are deported or dead. You’re stuck with 40 wasted shells of human beings rotting away at Gitmo, which is like Bush getting a gourmet meal at the Four Seasons Restaurant and you getting a Diet Coke from the Four Seasons Total Landscaping vending machine!
FACT: Then there’s the economy. Bush got a good laugh out of tanking the economy and sticking Obama with the job of cleaning up the mess. Now you’re trying to get the last laugh by sticking Biden with your mess. But while you’ve done a tremendous job of putting people out of work and out on the street—tremendous—your problem is the billionaires are still doing great! I don’t think you can have a respectable economic crash as long as Warren Buffet is still out there whining that he doesn’t pay enough taxes!
But, like I said, Melania wants you to leave. Kushner does too. Maybe you should listen to your wife for a change and get out of Dodge. Don’t worry about your kids—they’ll be fine. Speaking of—is Don Jr. okay? Lately, he’s been talking so fast and loud and crazy, he looks like he’s spent the last month partying with Keith Richards!
Once Don Jr. gets out of rehab, I’m sure there will be a job for him as a talking head on Fox News. He’ll have to wait in line for the presidency, though. Tucker Carlson still has the inside track.
Eric can always use the trump name to get hired somewhere. Maybe he can get a job as a cactus salesman at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.
Ivanka wants to be president too. She’s going to have to elbow out Jared and Don Jr., but she’s got a chance. Maybe she can position herself by teaming up with Gwyneth Paltrow in developing a new line of sex toys. She can sell them at Fantasy Island.
Speaking of Jared, maybe Biden will hire him to broker Middle East peace, solve the opioid crisis, oversee the building of the US-Mexico border wall, and be his coronavirus czar.
As for you, I’m sure Putin will welcome you with open arms. Maybe you’ll finally get to build that golf course in Russia, or that trump building, or whatever it was you wanted to do over there. Maybe Putin will even let you crash on the couch in one of his dachas until you get your home built. Just remember to hire a food taster. And check for ceiling cameras this time!
As you walk out of the White House never to return, I want to share the same parting poem that I sent to that other great American, George W. Bush, as he left the White House for the final time. It’s a poignant poem, profound in its simplicity, elegant in its clarity, and wise in its concise message. And here is that immortal verse:
Don’t let the door hit ya
Where the good lord split ya.
P.S. Please send an autographed picture. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite made-up dictator! He likes you even better than Delbert Thorne! (Read your Book of Bob.)