President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
“Nobody likes me.”
That’s what you said last week. With all due respect, sir, that is such a lie! The fake news Washington Post says you’ve lied 20,000 times since you’ve been president. Wrong again! It’s now 20,001!
Of course, some people like you! I can think of three right off the top of my head:
1. Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina)
2. Rep. Louie Gomer (R-Texas)
Let me prove that Lindsey Graham, Louie Gomer, and Ivanka like you. Here’s Lindsey Graham talking about you in 2016:
“I think he’s a kook. I think he’s crazy. I think he’s unfit for office.”
But after you were elected, Senator Graham said this:
“You know, what concerns me about the American press is this endless, endless attempt to label this guy as some kind of kook, not fit to be president.”
If Lindsey Graham loses the November election, he can get a job as a contortionist for Cirque de Soleil!
Here’s what Lindsey said after you said maybe we should postpone the election:
"I don't think that's a particularly good idea.”
Lindsey’s like Wile E. Coyote when he runs off a mountain and finds out he’s running on air!
Memo to Friends of TRUMP:
Don’t look down! (Lindsey Graham, this means you!)
Louie Gomer proved he likes you too. He took one for the team! He got the Covid, then called his team into his office and broke the news. Fortunately, he wasn’t wearing a mask and he didn’t allow anybody else to wear one either. By enforcing his innovative no-mask policy, Rep. Gomer heroically protected his entire staff from a disastrous outbreak!
You have to hand it to Gomer—he’s always thinking outside the box. Here’s the box he was thinking outside of:
“I can’t help but think that if I hadn’t been wearing a mask so much in the last 10 days or so, I really wonder if I would’ve gotten it. You know, moving the mask around, getting it just right, I’m bound to have put some virus on the mask. That’s most likely what happened.”
Gomer thinks so far outside the box, he can’t find the wrapping paper!
Here’s another box Gomer once thought himself outside of:
“I’ve had people say, ‘Hey, you know, there’s nothing wrong with gays in the military. Look at the Greeks.’ Well, you know, they did have people come along who they loved that was the same sex and would give them massages before they went into battle. But you know what, it’s a different kind of fighting, it’s a different kind of war and if you’re sitting around getting massages all day ready to go into a big, planned battle, then you’re not going to last very long.”
Gomer has wandered so far outside the box, it’s probably buried in the recycle bin by now. Here’s another one:
"We know Al Qaeda has camps on the Mexican border. We have people that are trained to act Hispanic when they are radical Islamists."
Who knew? But that’s not all. Gomer is every bit as committed to the environment as you are. He stays up at night worrying about the plight of the caribou. Here’s what keeps him up at night:
"When the caribou want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline. So his real concern now is if oil stops running through the pipeline, do we need a study to see how adversely the caribou would be affected if that warm oil ever quit flowing?"
You see? Not everybody hates you, sir. Louie Gomer loves you. With friends like that, who needs the popular vote?
I’m pretty sure Ivanka likes you too. She and Jared made $36 million off the TRUMP Organization last year. What’s not to like?
Besides, it’s like you said:
“If Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her.”
She must be so flattered. But really, sir, don’t you think you’re a little too old for her? She’s more Don Jr.’s age. Maybe he should be dating her.
Speaking of the popular vote, watch out for McConnell! Now that he’s declared war on you by wearing a mask, all I can see is his shifty eyes. And his eyes are shifting toward the next election. Here’s what the failing NY Times said:
“In recent weeks, the Senate majority leader has become so concerned over Republicans losing control of the Senate that he has signaled to vulnerable GOP senators in tough races that they could distance themselves from the President if they feel it is necessary, according to multiple senior Republicans including a source close to McConnell.”
It’s a mutiny! The rats are jumping off the Titanic! The Republican cannibals are coming for you, and these guys don’t bother with silverware!
Don’t you see? McConnell gave you Gorsuch, Kavanaugh and 200 of the most qualified judges who donated bazillions of dollars to your campaign! McConnell has squeezed what he wants out of you. Now he plans to chew you up and spit you out faster than you can say:
“Delay the Election until people can properly, securely and safely vote???”
But wait! Just when I was starting to think McConnell wasn’t on your team anymore, he said this:
"Never in the history of the country, through wars, depressions and the Civil War, have we ever not had a federally scheduled election on time. We'll find a way to do that again this November 3rd.”
And that’s when I said to myself, “Mitch McConnell, that’s why you’re the Senate Majority Leader and I’m just a neighborhood grocer!”
McConnell is miles ahead of me! Of course we’ll “find a way” to have an election on November 3! Here’s how we’ll “find a way”:
—Cut off funding to the postal service and gum it up so bad that the backed up stacks of mail-in ballots will look like my wife Viola’s 50-year-old pile of Sears catalogues.
—Pass a law saying that the number of polling places in a state shall not exceed the number of abortion clinics in Kansas.
—Pass a law requiring every voter to show voter registration, driver’s license, birth certificate, social security card, credit card, Costco card, marriage license, property deed, country club membership, and a Starbuck’s card with a minimum of 4 drinks punched out.
—Require every prospective voter to recite: “Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.”
—Declare victory on November 2, then blockade the White House with Border Patrol, Ice Agents, and Bill Barr.
I hope this makes you feel better. Of course, people like you! Just ask Alex Jones!
P.S. Make sure Alex Jones takes his meds before you get near his cage.
P.P.S. You said the reason nobody likes you is, “It can only be my personality.”
With all due respect, that’s lie number 20,002. It’s not your personality! People love a narcissistic sociopath! Just ask Mussolini!
P.P.P.S. Please send an autographed picture. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite mad emperor. He likes you even better than Caligula!