Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson
c/o Tucker Carlson Tonight
400 N. Capitol St. NW
Washington, DC 20001
I’m almost 70 years old, white, and male, so of course I never miss your show. I’ve been your biggest fan ever since you were on CNN’s Crossfire back in the days when you wore a bow tie.
Remember in 2004, when Jon Stewart was on your show and he asked you how old you were? You said 35. To which Jon Stewart said:
“And you wear a bow tie?”
That was the same show when Jon Stewart called you a “dick.”
That’s the trouble with Jon Stewart! He’s not funny! I don’t even get his jokes most of the time!
Also, he has no imagination. Maybe he should use a thesaurus so he can think of a better word to call you than a “dick.”
Speaking of thesaurus, when you get to be my age, you need activities to exercise your mind. Some people do crossword puzzles. Some people play chess. Some people watch your show and google FactCheck.
I like to exercise my mind with a game I made up called “Memorize the Thesaurus.” I open my thesaurus to a random page, close my eyes and point to the page, and whatever word I land on, I try to memorize all the words that the thesaurus says are similar.
The other night I was watching your show. It was the one where you called the Purple Heart war veteran, Tammy Duckworth, a “coward,” a “moron,” a “fraud,” and a “callous hack” who hates America. I decided to play “Memorize the Thesaurus.” I closed my eyes, opened my book, pointed to a page, and you’ll never guess what word I landed on! Here’s the random word I pointed to in the thesaurus while I was watching your show:
Who says there’s no such thing as synchronicity?
Anyway, I went right to work trying to memorize all the words my thesaurus listed for “punk.” Here are the ones I remember off the top of my head:
snot; brat; twit; scumbag; bully; creep; pariah; puppet; chump; twerp; jerk; thug.
Those are just the ones I remember. There are a lot more than that. Here are some other words for “punk” that my thesaurus lists:
nerd; putz; turd; dork; dickhead; douche; dipshit.
Also: “prissy little self-righteous dough-faced weasel.”
That last one’s not actually in my thesaurus, but it’s pretty good, don’t you think?
Speaking of Tammy Duckworth, you can imagine how happy I was when you finally said what’s been on the mind of every old white guy who watches your show, which is this:
“It’s long been considered out of bounds to question a person’s patriotism. It’s a very strong charge and we try not to make it. But in the face of all of this, the conclusion can’t be avoided: These people actually hate America.”
I have a question: Where do you find the courage to face these hard truths head-on? I think you were even braver than President TRUMP when he made fun of that disabled reporter! You should get the FOX News Purple Heart! They could rip it out of Chris Wallace’s chest.
Here’s what else you said:
“There are many of us here who do like this country. We live here. We don’t want to destroy it. We have every right to preserve our nation and our heritage and our culture. And when vandals like Tammy Duckworth and Ilhan Omar tell us that we’re not allowed to question their patriotism, even as they scream about how horrible America is, we have every right to laugh in their faces, and we should.”
And laugh I did! Hoo boy! Did I get a good laugh when Tammy Duckworth tweeted:
“Does Tucker Carlson want to walk a mile in my legs and then tell me whether or not I love America?”
Ha ha! What a knee slapper! A titanium knee slapper! Get it? Titanium knee slapper? That’s because she lost both her legs getting shot out of a helicopter in Iraq so that you, Tucker Carlson, and I “have every right to laugh in her face! And we should!”
But leave it to the far left liberals to play dirty by taking the high road! Why won’t the radical left play fair and wallow in the mud with us? While you were calling Tammy Duckworth “deeply silly and unimpressive,” she cheated by playing the Serious and Impressive card. Here’s what she said:
“Our nation deserves leaders mature and secure enough not to race-bait or swift-boat anyone who dares disagree with them. After these past four years, and especially after these past four months, it’s clearer than ever that we must choose public servants who will focus on the serious issues facing our country — from the spread of the coronavirus to systemic racism to foreign adversaries threatening our troops’ lives — rather than cynical bullies who use schoolyard tactics to distract from their own shortcomings.
“So while I would put on my old uniform and go to war all over again to protect the right of Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump to say offensive things on TV and Twitter, I will also spend every moment I can from now until November fighting to elect leaders who would rather do good for their country than do well for themselves.”
That’s so unfair! She even stooped to calling you names! Imagine that! She said the TRUMP campaign should know that "attacks from self-serving, insecure men who can't tell the difference between true patriotism and hateful nationalism will never diminish my love for this country — or my willingness to sacrifice for it so they don't have to. These titanium legs don't buckle."
Tammy Duckworth should know by now that playing the War Hero card doesn’t work. Just ask John Kerry. Remember how he got swift-boated in 2004? It worked then—it’ll work again!
2004. That was the same year Jon Stewart went on Crossfire and called you a “dick.”
“TUCKER CARLSON’S TOP WRITER RESIGNS AFTER SECRETLY POSTING RACIST AND SEXIST REMARKS IN ONLINE FORUM!”
“The top writer for Fox News host Tucker Carlson has for years been using a pseudonym to post bigoted remarks on an online forum that is a hotbed for racist, sexist, and other offensive content, CNN Business learned this week.”
That would be a guy named Blake Neff. He was your head writer. He throws around the “n” word like an Italian chef throws pizza dough. I’m not going to repeat his online posts here, but let’s just say Neff makes George Wallace look like a card-carrying member of the NAACP! He’s so racist they should build a statue of him!
He also doesn’t seem to like Asians very well. Or Native Americans. Or Hispanics. Or women. Seems he trolled some woman online, posted information about her dating life, and invited his online followers to harass her. Some people can’t take a joke.
Here’s what Neff said before he got fired…err…resigned:
"Anything Carlson is reading off the teleprompter, the first draft was written by me."
There’s your alibi! When Tammy Duckworth attacks you for being a spineless, bigoted, suck-up to the president, just say:
“In the face of all this, the conclusion can’t be avoided: Neff told me to say it.”
P.S. Please send an autographed photo. Sign it to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite cranky old white guy . He likes you even better than Lou Dobbs!
P.P.S. I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I’m not old! I’m only 51.” And I say to you, that may be true but you were wearing a bow tie when you were 35.
P.P.P.S. I saw that after Jon Stewart came on your show, you stopped wearing a bow tie. Did you stop being a dick too?