President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
Finally! Our long national nightmare is over!
We, your faithful CULT members (Citizens Uv Limited Telligence) have had to suffer without seeing you at a MAWA rally for more than three months! And now, at last we have something to live for:
OUR BELOVED PRESIDENT, DONALD J. TRUMP LIVE! IN PERSON! JOIN THE CELEBRATION ON JUNETEENTH IN TULSA, OKLAHOMA!
This will be bigger than Elvis! Bigger than the Beatles! This will even be bigger than George Wallace!
And what could be more fitting?
Juneteenth: June 19, the day we celebrate the end of slavery!
Tulsa: Home of the biggest black massacre in U.S. History!
Who says there’s no such thing as synchronicity?
By the way, did you notice I said you will be holding a “MAWA” rally? You probably remember from my last letter that MAWA stands for Make America White Again. It’s not that we have anything against the blacks. We don’t even have anything against the browns. I’m sure many of them are very fine people.
It’s just like you said:
“I think I’ve done more for the Black community than any other president, and let’s take a pass on Abraham Lincoln. He did good, although it's always questionable.”
You’re right! Lincoln was okay, but he didn’t get rid of the rapists and murderers! And the criminals who are passing bad $20 bills! And the jaywalkers!
And those kids with boomboxes! Lincoln never got rid of them! He left it up to you!
And the 12 year-olds with toy guns! You’re making America safe from them too! Make America Safe Again! (MASA)
Speaking of Lincoln being questionable, when the good citizens of Charlottesville put up that statue of Robert E. Lee in 1890, Abraham Lincoln did not lift a finger to stop them! If a Confederate statue was okay with Lincoln, it’s okay with me!
Also, Robert E. Lee himself said he didn’t want a statue because he didn’t want to “keep open the sores of war.”
The far-left media want it both ways! They say Robert E. Lee was a treasonous, barbaric slave owner, but they agree with him when he says he shouldn’t have a statue! If a traitor says he shouldn’t have a statue, that proves he should have a statue! That’s the trouble with the liberals—they just don’t think things through!
PRESIDENT TRUMP POSTPONES JUNETEENTH RALLY UNTIL NEXT DAY!
What? This is terrible news! If I didn’t know you better, sir, if I didn’t know how superhuman you are, if I didn’t know about your relentless commitment to standing up for your principles of decency, common sense, and keeping your polls above 42%, if I didn’t know about your unwavering love of LAW AND ORDER in the face of the slings and arrows of every military officer who’s still alive (I bet Robert E. Lee wouldn’t have been so nasty to you), if I didn’t know that you are the greatest president since Jefferson Davis, if I didn’t know all that, and I heard that you postponed your Juneteenth Tulsa rally from June 19 to June 20….well….
….I’d say you got punked.
By the way, will you send me a ticket? Turns out I can go. My wife Viola wants me out of the house because she’s having a Zoom meeting that day. Something about making face masks that say, “I can’t breathe.”
I already signed my waiver form. Here’s what the waiver form says:
"By clicking register below, you are acknowledging that an inherent risk of exposure to COVID-19 exists in any public place where people are present. By attending the Rally, you and any guests voluntarily assume all risks related to exposure to COVID-19 and agree not to hold Donald J. Trump for President, Inc.; BOK Center; ASM Global; or any of their affiliates, directors, officers, employees, agents, contractors, or volunteers liable for any illness or injury."
No problem! I’m not worried about the virus. It’s just like you said, America has been reduced to “embers and ashes.”
Whoops! Wrong quote. I think that might have been Robert E. Lee who said that. Here’s what you said:
“COVID-19 has been reduced to embers and ashes.”
Let the hand-wringing, hand-washing libtards wear masks if they want to! I sure won’t be wearing a mask or washing my hands because of a few “embers and ashes!” I can’t wait to get on that plane to Tulsa, check into my hotel, and ride in a cab to the BOK Center where I will be cheering and shouting and spitting with 19,000 bare-faced CULT members (Citizens Uv Limited Telligence)!
By the way, I know I have nothing to worry about with the virus and here’s why. On January 22, there was one American case and no deaths, and you said this:
“We have it totally under control. It’s going to be just fine.”
Then on January 30, 5 cases and still zero deaths, and you said this:
“We only have 5 people. Hopefully, everything’s going to be great.”
Then on February 10, (11 cases, 0 deaths) you said this:
“Looks like by April, you know, in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away.”
On February 26, (57 cases, 0 deaths) you said this:
“When you have 15 people, and the 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero, that’s a pretty good job we’ve done.”
February 28 (60 cases, 0 deaths):
“Now the Democrats are politicizing the coronavirus. … One of my people came up to me and said, ‘Mr. President, they tried to beat you on Russia, Russia, Russia.’ That didn’t work out too well. They couldn’t do it. They tried the impeachment hoax. That was on a perfect conversation. They tried anything, they tried it over and over. … And this is their new hoax.”
March 10 (959 cases, 28 deaths):
“This was unexpected. … And it hit the world. And we’re prepared, and we’re doing a great job with it. And it will go away. Just stay calm. It will go away.”
March 16 (4632 cases, 85 deaths)
“My administration is recommending that all Americans, including the young and healthy, work to engage in schooling from home when possible. Avoid gathering in groups of more than 10 people. Avoid discretionary travel. And avoid eating and drinking at bars, restaurants and public food courts. If everyone makes … these critical changes and sacrifices now, we will rally together as one nation and we will defeat the virus. And we’re going to have a big celebration all together. With several weeks of focused action, we can turn the corner and turn it quickly.”
March 23 (43,843 cases, 557 deaths)
“America will again, and soon, be open for business — very soon — a lot sooner than three or four months that somebody was suggesting. A lot sooner. We cannot let the cure be worse than the problem itself. We’re not going to let the cure be worse than the problem.”
March 24 (53,736 cases, 706 deaths)
“Easter is a very special day for me. And I see it sort of in that timeline that I’m thinking about. And I say, wouldn’t it be great to have all of the churches full?”
March 25 (65,778 cases, 942 deaths)
“Nobody would ever believe a thing like that’s possible. Nobody could have ever seen something like this coming, but now we know, and we know it can happen and happen again.”
April 2 (243,622 cases, 5929 deaths)
“The sacrifices we make over the next four weeks will have countless American lives saved. We’re going to save a lot of American lives.”
April 3 (275,367 cases, 7090 deaths)
“It’s going to be, really, a voluntary thing (masks). You can do it. You don’t have to do it. I’m choosing not to do it, but some people may want to do it, and that’s OK. It may be good. Probably will. They’re making a recommendation. It’s only a recommendation.”
April 7 (397,121 cases, 12,794 deaths)
“The cases really didn’t build up for a while. But you have to understand, I’m a cheerleader for this country.”
April 15 (636,350 cases, 28,338 deaths)
“We think some of the states can actually open up before the deadline of May 1. And I think that that will be a very exciting time indeed.”
April 16 (667,592 cases, 32,930 deaths)
“It’s going to be up to the governors. We’re going to work with them, we’re going to help them, but it’s going to be up to the governors. … I think you’re going to see quite a few states starting to open. And I call it a beautiful puzzle. You have 50 pieces, all very different, but when it’s all done, it’s a mosaic. When it’s all done, it’s going to be, I think, a very beautiful picture.”
April 17 (699,706 cases, 36,787 deaths)
After that, it goes dark. The fake news crowd says we’re over 2 million cases, 115,000 deaths and climbing. Just because every scientist says it doesn’t make it so!
Nobody at FOX says it’s a problem anymore! The important thing is Hillary’s emails!
Brazil stopped counting—we can too! Liberate America!
And let’s kick off the liberation with a CULT (Citizens Uv Limited Telligence) rally in Tulsa! The day after Juneteenth! I’ll be there! Barefaced and bubbling over with spit and pride in this great country of ours! At least 42%.
P.S. What kind of drinks do they serve at the BOK Center? Do they serve Kool-Aid? That’s my favorite.
P.P.S. What will they do if the Tulsa hotels fill up? I heard they might bring in a cruise ship for the overflow. That’s a great idea! Then they can keep it around to catch the overflow when the Tulsa ICU beds fill up!
P.P.P.S. I heard Melania renegotiated the pre-nup after you got elected president. Did she put in a clause like the Tulsa rally waiver form that said she wouldn’t hold you responsible if she got sick?
P.P.P.P.S. Please send an autographed picture. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite COVID-19 denier. He likes you even better than Jair Bolsonaro!