President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
This is a national scandal! It’s a bigger scandal than 85,000 Americans dead from the pandemic! It’s bigger than the worst unemployment rate since the Great Depression!
OBAMAGATE is bigger than hospitals without ventilators, health care workers without PPE, and no testing unless you work in the White House! It’s bigger than having no plan to do anything about anything unless some traitor leaks the CDC guidelines!
It’s a bigger scandal than America having more Covid deaths than the next five countries combined and 1/3 of all Covid deaths in the world!
We’re Number One!
No, this is huge, and in these troubled times, it is imperative that every American focus like a cat chasing a laser light on this tremendous issue:
“He got caught, OBAMAGATE!”
That’s what you tweeted on Sunday. Here’s what else you tweeted on Sunday:
“The biggest political crime in American history, by far!”
Speaking of last Sunday, did you have a happy Mother’s Day? Don’t you love Mother’s Day—a day when we honor our beloved moms who gave us life and our wives who gave us our children? I bet Melania enjoyed her Mother’s Day. “Physical distancing” comes so naturally to her!
Speaking of Mother’s Day tweets and “physical distancing,” I want to be the first to congratulate you on your own socially responsible act of self-isolating. I know you’ve been staying in quarantine because last Sunday, you tweeted 126 times! That’s your second highest one-day output ever! Here’s the sort of thing you said in your Mother’s Day tweets:
“OBAMAGATE makes Watergate look small time!”
Thank you, Mr. President, for pointing your kitty laser directly toward what is on the mind of every citizen across this great land of ours: It’s Obama’s fault!
But leave it to Phil Rucker of the failed Washington Post to try to remove the batteries from your laser light when he asked you this:
“What crime exactly are you accusing President Obama of committing, and do you believe the Justice Department should prosecute him?”
It was obvious that your staff had thoroughly prepped you because in just one paragraph full of dangling participles, dangling modifiers, and 103 dangling words, you knocked Rucker’s question out of the park. Here’s what you said:
"Obamagate. It’s been going on for a long time. It’s been going on from before I even got elected, and it’s a disgrace that it happened, and if you look at what’s gone on, and if you look at now, all this information that’s being released — and from what I understand, that’s only the beginning — some terrible things happened, and it should never be allowed to happen in our country again. And you’ll be seeing what’s going on over the next, over the coming weeks but I, and I wish you’d write honestly about it but unfortunately you choose not to do so."
But would Rucker admit you crushed it like a sentence fragment in a word salad? No! He wouldn’t let up:
“What is the crime exactly that you’re accusing him of?”
Your answer was as direct as a cat batting a ping-pong ball:
“You know what the crime is. The crime is very obvious to everybody. All you have to do is read the newspapers, except yours.”
Well, there you have it.
You know what Obama did! America knows! The whole world knows what Obama did! Everybody except poor Phil Rucker knows what Obama did. I just have one question:
What did Obama do?
Was it the book he gave you called, “Playbook for Early Response to High-Consequence Emerging Infectious Disease Threats and Biological Incidents”?
He gave you that book just so he could make you look like an incompetent buffoon when you threw it away. That was a dirty trick but it wasn’t worse than Watergate.
Was it how he took credit for saving the economy just because he became president during the Great Recession and lucked into 75 straight months of job growth? It was only by your sheer brilliance that you were able to save us from the Obama disaster by riding the wave for another 38 months before the economy crashed, wiping out all the gains of the last eleven years.
Obama was so nasty to set you up to look like a total loser. But worse than Watergate? I don’t think so.
Obama was clearly out to get you when he forged his birth certificate just so he could prove he was born in Hawaii and make people think you’re a deranged crank. But even that isn’t worth 126 tweets on Mother’s Day.
No, there’s only one thing Obama did that was so terrible, so horrible, so despicable that he should be hauled away to Loretto Federal Correction Institution immediately! (I hear there’s an opening now that Manafort’s been released.).
And we all know what Obama’s worse-than-Watergate crime was. He did the evil deed at the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Dinner when he said this:
“Now, I know that he’s taken some flak lately, but no one is happier, no one is prouder to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter — like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?”
I’ve never gotten over that and I know you haven’t either! But could he stop there? No! He looked straight into your eyes and said this:
“But all kidding aside, obviously, we all know about your credentials and breadth of experience. For example — no, seriously, just recently, in an episode of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ — at the steakhouse, the men’s cooking team did not impress the judges from Omaha Steaks. And there was a lot of blame to go around. But you, Mr. Trump, recognized that the real problem was a lack of leadership. And so ultimately, you didn’t blame Lil Jon or Meatloaf. You fired Gary Busey. And these are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night. Well handled, sir. Well handled.”
This IS worse than Watergate! And here’s the worst part:
The whole room exploded in laughter! They were laughing at YOU! Not WITH you—AT you! While, at that very moment, Obama was overseeing the raid that would kill Bin Laden, he was making the whole country LAUGH—at YOU—and making you out to be a clown! An oaf! A moron! A dolt! An idiot! A jackass! An imbecile! An ignoramus! A blowhard! A dullard! A dunce! A bumbler! A halfwit! A lunatic! A nincompoop!
This cannot stand! There must be consequences! Bill Barr should investigate immediately! He can drag it on well past the elections! If we have them.
And while we’re at it, let’s investigate the Master of Ceremonies for that dinner, Seth Meyers. Here’s what he said:
“Donald Trump said he was running for president as a Republican, which is surprising because I just thought he was running as a joke.”
But the joke was on Seth Meyers. I ask you: Who’s laughing now?
P.S. At the beginning of this letter, I said there were 85,000 Americans dead from the virus. Correction: We’re up to 87,000 now.
P.P.S. A report from Nicolas Kristof at the failed NY Times estimates that we’ve actually lost 100,000-110,000 Americans to the virus.
P.P.P.S. I have a wind-up mouse that my cats like even better than the laser light.
P.P.P.P.S. Please send me an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite illusionist. He likes you even better than David Copperfield.