Senator Marco Rubio
284 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
Dear Little Marco,
The COJONES AWARDS are in, and here are the results:
The BRONZ COJONES goes to:
Lamar Alexander! Senator Alexander cemented his legacy when he said:
“There is no need for more evidence to prove something that has already been proven…The question then is not whether the president did it, but whether the United States Senate or the American people should decide what to do about what he did. I believe that the Constitution provides that the people should make that decision in the presidential election that begins in Iowa on Monday. Let the people decide.”
That’s right! “Let the people decide!” “The people” didn’t elect our representatives to represent us! We elected you to get re-elected!
Besides, Citizens United says corporations are people. So “the people” did decide!
Also, like Lamar Alexander said, what Emperor TRUMP did “does not meet the United States Constitution’s high bar for an impeachable offense.”
If you don’t believe him, read your Constitution! Read the part that says:
“If a Republican president breaks the law by defying Congress and secretly withholding hundreds of millions of dollars in congressionally appropriated military aid to an ally at war with an American adversary for the purpose of pressuring said ally into helping him dig up dirt on his Democrat rival, this does not rise to the level of impeachment.”
Step right up, Senator Alexander! For your thoughtful insights and final act of loyalty to our Chosen Emperor, you have cemented your place in history as the recipient of the coveted BRONZE COJONES AWARD!
The SILVER COJONES AWARD goes to:
Alan Dershowitz! The learned professor from Harvard couldn’t have said it better when he said this:
“It certainly doesn’t have to be a crime. If you have somebody who completely corrupts the office of president and who abuses trust and who poses great danger to our liberty, you don’t need a technical crime.”
Whoops! Wrong quote! That’s so 1998!
But here’s the point: Back when Professor Dershowitz was saying that Bill Clinton was the greatest threat to our liberty since Jane Fonda, he wasn’t wrong. He’s just saying the opposite now, so now he’s right. Right? Here’s what he says now:
“I wasn’t wrong. I’m just much more correct right now, having done much more research. I didn’t do research back then.”
You see? He was right then, but he’s even more right now. And now that he’s studied the matter, he’s learned that if he says something that even Jonathan Turley thinks is “absurd,” he can get on Anderson Cooper, The View, Chris Wallace, Chris Cuomo, Ari Melber, and a prime time slot on the Impeachment Show!
Here’s what else Dershowitz learned after burning the midnight oil all those nights in the Harvard library:
“Every public official that I know believes that his election is in the public interest. And if a president does something which he believes will help him get elected in the public interest, that cannot be the kind of quid pro quo that results in impeachment."
Step right up, Professor Dershowitz! For your groundbreaking work tap dancing on TV for OJ Simpson, Jeffrey Epstein, Klaus von Bulow, Mike Tyson, Jim Bakker, Brett Kavanaugh and now Emperor TRUMP, you have earned the SILVER COJONES AWARD!
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The grand prize for the contestant who displayed such bravery, such courage of convictions, such hutzpah (ask Dershowitz what that means), such an uncanny willingness to defy all humanity and reason with an absolutely straight face—even Michael Avenatti is saying, “Damn! That guy’s good!” The winner of this year’s prestigious GOLDEN COJONES AWARD goes to:
Little Marco Rubio!
That’s you! Step right up! The competition was fierce, and all the runners-up are to be congratulated for their outstanding effort. But you, Little Marco, lapped the field! You smoked such heavy hitters as Ken Starr (“the impeachment habit proved hard to kick”), Lisa Murkowski (“We have already degraded this institution for partisan political benefit, and I will not enable those who wish to pull down another”), Lindsey Graham (“I will not pretend to be a fair juror”), and Mitch McConnell (“I’m not an impartial juror”). You sealed your victory when you said these immortal words:
"Just because actions meet a standard of impeachment does not mean it is in the best interest of the country to remove a president from office.”
There you have it. In that one succinct statement, you articulated what was on the mind of every TRUMP Cult member! But only you, Little Marco, had the Golden Cojones to say it out loud! I could never be as elegant, smooth, and lawyerly as you. But let me see if I can paraphrase what you said in layman’s terms:
There’s only one thing to do when the Leader of the TRUMP Cult commits high crimes, misdemeanors, election fraud, bribery, blackmail, and treason: Make Him Emperor for life!
P.S. Did you notice I called you “Little Marco”? That’s what Emperor TRUMP calls you: “Little Marco.” Now that you’ve done what’s “in the best interest of the country,” I think you’d better get used to Him calling you “Little Marco.” Here’s what you should call Him:
Your Highness. Also, don’t forget to bow.
P.P.S. Also, never turn your back on Him. It’s considered rude. It’s also considered dangerous.
P.P.P.S. Also, don’t begin eating until He does. And when He’s done, put down your knife and fork—you’re done too. (If you’re still hungry, maybe you can sneak a cold Wendy’s burger out of the White House.)
P.P.P.P.S. Remember when you made fun of Emperor TRUMP’s little hands? Here’s what you said:
“And you know what they say about guys with small hands.”
One more word of advice: Ix-nay on-ay e-thay all-smay ands-hay! Emperor TRUMP will have you swimming in a shark tank faster than you can say “Kim Jong-Un!”
P.P.P.P.P.S. When you’re bowing down and kissing His ring, say, “My! What big hands You have! Those are the biggest hands I’ve ever seen!” He’ll like that.
Unless He thinks you think His hands are too big. Then it’ll be into the shark tank!
Maybe you should just say, “Those are the most perfect hands I’ve ever seen.”
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Could you please send an autographed photo? Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite TRUMP Cult member. He likes you even better than Devin Nunes.