Senator Mitch McConnell
317 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
Dear Senator McConnell,
I wonder if you could help me settle a bet?
It’s with my wife, Viola. She says you’re The Most Evil Man on the Planet. I say you’re not. Can you tell me who’s right?
I’ve got a lot riding on this bet. If I win, Viola has to watch Hannity every night for a month. If she wins, I have to sleep on the couch until Emperor TRUMP leaves the White House—which could be for the rest of my life because I don’t think that guy’s ever going to leave!
The far left radicals would say I’m “sexist,” but I know you’ll understand when I say, women can be so unreasonable! Just the other day, Viola was saying Emperor TRUMP was the most evil person on the planet, and now she says it’s you!
You’ll never guess what she said when I explained her inconsistency to her. Here’s what she said:
“I changed my mind.”
Isn’t that just like a woman? Always changing their minds! They’re so stubborn! It’s like you said:
“She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.”
When I explained to her that she had called Emperor TRUMP the most evil person on the planet, she said this:
“I was wrong. Your ‘Emperor’ is a psychotic moron who has as much control over himself as an orangutan who’s been overdosed with LSD, then falls out of 50 story building, gets tangled in electric wires that send 500 volts of electricity surging through his body while he’s trying to peel a banana!
“Real evil is somebody who commits atrocities knowing exactly what he’s doing.”
“But Viola,” I countered, “Mitch McConnell is an American hero! You obviously haven’t thought this through. If it weren’t for Mitch, we’d be stuck with Merrick Garland on the Supreme Court. We wouldn’t even have Brett Kavanaugh!”
“Go on,” she said.
So I did. “Mitch calls himself the Grim Reaper because the Do-Nothing Democrat House has passed nearly 400 bills that he hasn’t allowed the Senate to vote on.”
“And…” she said.
Now I had her right where I wanted her. “I’ll have you know,” I said, “that Emperor TRUMP is being impeached right now as we speak, and if it weren’t for that Great American, Mitch McConnell, the Democrats would be allowed to subpoena witnesses and documents!”
I had her there. I tried really hard not to gloat, but I have to admit I was patting myself on the back a little. I was already celebrating my victory and salivating at the delicious thought of making Viola watch Hannity for a month, when she said this:
“So, you think it’s a bad idea to let the Democrats call witnesses?”
“What kind of question is that?” I said. “Of course it’s a bad idea! If Mitch allowed witnesses, Emperor TRUMP would found guilty faster than you can say, ‘I would like you to do us a favor though.’ ”
“So you think it’s a good idea,” she argued, “that Moscow Mitch would lead a Senate trial after he said this:
‘I’m not an impartial juror. This is a political process. There's not anything judicial about it.’ ”
“Of course he’s not impartial! He’s a Republican!” I exclaimed.
“Besides, you shouldn’t call him ‘Moscow Mitch.’ It’s so childish to call people names.”
“Oh, you mean like Nervous Nancy?” she said. “Shifty Schiff? Crooked Hillary? Sleepy Joe Biden? Shady Jim Comey?”
“Exactly!” I said. “You shouldn’t call him ‘Moscow Mitch’ just because he helped Emperor TRUMP cover up his collusion with the Russians to help him get elected!”
“Al Frankenstein! Fat Jerry Nadler! Little Marco! Pochahontas!”
Viola was getting hysterical so I thought I’d better cool the temperature. I handed her an olive branch.
“McConnell doesn’t always get what he wants, you know. Remember when he said this:
‘The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.’ ”
But Viola wouldn’t take the bait. “Right,” she said. “Obama walked in like Obambi and got torn apart by Moscow Mitch’s buzz saw! Do you know Moscow Mitch’s Senate has confirmed about 200 federal judges during Emperor TRUMP’s three years, more than Obambi could get confirmed in eight!”
“It just goes to show what a strong team Emperor TRUMP and Senator McConnell are,” I said.
“Right, Carl, if you like your judges to be graduates from Right Wing Looney Tunes Law School.”
“What’s wrong with that?” I asked.
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with that.” Viola was starting to get hormonal again.
“Senator Moscow has pushed through judge after judge that the American Bar Association has rated ‘unqualified.’ Judges like Lawrence Van Dyke, who members of the ABA said was ‘arrogant, lazy, an ideologue, and lacking in knowledge of the day-to-day practice including procedural rules.’
“Judges like Steven Menashi who once wrote a paper defending ethno-nationalism, who worked with white-wing lunatic Stephen Miller on writing immigration policy.
“Judges like Sarah Pitlyk, a Federalist Society member who clerked for Brett Kavanaugh…”
“Wait a minute,” I interrupted. “Sarah Pitlyk is a woman’s name. You must like her. You’re a woman too.”
“Glad you noticed,” she said.
“Actually, she defended Iowa’s six-week abortion ban and, in an Indiana case, she wrote: ‘The origins of abortion are racist and eugenic.’ So no, I don’t like her very much.”
“You might not agree with her, but you’ve gotta admit she knows her stuff,” I said.
“Actually, the ABA called her ‘unqualified’ and said she ‘has never tried a case as lead or co-counsel, whether civil or criminal.’
“And do you know what else?” she continued. “All these judges Mitch is ramming through are so young, they’re going to be with us long after your Emperor TRUMP has gone to that golden bathroom throne in the sky.”
“So, it just goes to show,” I said. “McConnell is really good at his job.”
“It just goes to show that Mitch McConnell is the most devious, vile, underhanded, evil person on the planet! And it just goes to show,” she added, “that you’re going to be sleeping on the couch for a very long time!”
So there you have it. Could you please help me settle this bet and prove you’re not The Most Evil Man on the Planet? And I know just the way to do it:
Follow the “Bill Clinton Rules!” It’s like you said:
“What was good enough for President Clinton in an impeachment trial should have been good enough for President Trump.”
Right again, Senator! Here’s what was good enough for Clinton:
—Special counsel with free access to all witnesses and documents
—90,000 pages of documents
—Interview all witnesses
—Interview the president
And just like Chris Coons said:
“Trials have witnesses; cover-ups don’t.”
Follow the Clinton Rules! I don’t want to sleep on the couch for the rest of my life!
P.S. Man to man, do you ever have “wife problems?” The reason I ask is your wife is under investigation as Secretary of Transportation for funneling $78 million in pet projects into your home state of Kentucky. If she had not persisted and done things your way, she would never have gotten caught!
P.P.S. Have you ever heard of a guy named Machiavelli? The reason I ask is my grandson Lester asked me to ask you for an autographed picture. He says he likes you even better than Niccolo Machiavelli.