Senator Lindsey O. Graham
290 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
Dear Senator Graham,
Relive the magic!
It’s Old Home Week in DC! You are once again reunited with America’s Premier Porn Novelist: Ken Starr!
By the way, are you okay? I’ve noticed you’re looking even more pasty than usual since you’ve been prepping for the Big Impeachment. I guess that’s because you’ve been burning the midnight oil and boning up on the Ken Starr playbook.
That Starr Report is so steamy! It’ll raise the temperature of every red-blooded, 64 year old, lifelong bachelor!
Are you sure you want this trial to end so soon? If you and McConnell finish too quickly, that won’t give Ken Starr enough time to come to a satisfying conclusion. Impeachus interruptus.
Starr will just be getting started when he says:
“Ms. Lewinsky testified: ‘We talked briefly and sort of acknowledged that there had been a chemistry that was there before and that we were both attracted to each other and then he asked me if he could kiss me.’ Ms. Lewinsky said yes.”
Stop blushing, Senator Graham! I know there’s nothing that makes the blood rush from your brain faster than a good piece of Ken Starr porn. Okay, that, and also we saw you get pretty excited when you heard about Brett Kavanaugh’s drunken party where he locked a high school girl in the bedroom, pinned her to the bed, and….
Focus, Senator Graham, focus! We have important work to do! We have to strategize for this somber moment! It’s just like you said:
“I have a duty far greater than just getting to the next election. Members of the Senate have said, ‘I understand everything there is about this case, and I won’t vote to impeach the president.’ Please allow the facts to do the talking…. Don’t decide the case before the case’s end.”
Whoops! Wrong decade. Wrong party. That was when we were impeaching Clinton. He was a Democrat!
This is different. Now Emperor TRUMP is in the White House. You can’t kick a president out of the White House just because he committed treason while being a Republican!
There’s only one logical conclusion we can all agree on, and you said it perfectly:
“You don’t even have to be convicted of a crime to lose your job in this constitutional republic if this body determines that your conduct as a public official is clearly out of bounds in your role. Impeachment is not about punishment. Impeachment is about cleansing the office. Impeachment is about restoring honor and integrity to the office.”
Whoops! That’s so 1974! That comes straight out of Lindsey Graham’s Greatest Hits, back when Nixon was getting impeached. Here’s what you’re saying now:
"This thing will come to the Senate, and it will die quickly, and I will do everything I can to make it die quickly. I am trying to give a pretty clear signal I have made up my mind. I'm not trying to pretend to be a fair juror here.”
I’ve just got one word for you, and here it is:
“What’s wrong with you, Senator Graham???!!!”
Don’t you know if this impeachment trial ends quickly, you’re not going to get a chance to hear Ken Starr’s best porn? Give the guy a break! You wouldn’t cut John Coltrane off after a 3-minute solo! An artist needs room to stretch out! Give Ken Starr, America’s Pornographer, the space he needs to say, in that steamy, sultry voice of his:
“While the President continued talking on the phone, she performed oral sex on him. He finished his call, and, a moment later, told Ms. Lewinsky to stop. In her recollection: ‘I told him that I wanted . . . to complete that. And he said . . . that he needed to wait until he trusted me more. And then I think he made a joke . . . that he hadn't had that in a long time.’ ”
“…hadn’t had that in a long time.” You see? Who says you and Bill Clinton don’t have anything in common?
My point is, Senator Graham, if you allow this trial to come to a premature climax, Ken Starr won’t get to “complete that.” You won’t receive the deep pleasure of hearing him say:
“Officer Fox admitted her to the Oval Office. The President said: ‘You can close the door. She'll be here for a while.’ ”
That will perk you up and make you want to stroke this impeachment for all it’s worth. You’ll be hanging onto every one of Ken Starr’s words when he huskily whispers:
“According to Ms. Lewinsky, ‘he unzipped his pants and exposed himself,’ and she performed oral sex. Again, he stopped her before he ejaculated.”
You’ll be standing up faster than you can say, “Sexually repressed bitter old white male!” And it won’t be for the Pledge of Allegiance!
I’m sure by now, you understand why we must have a long, hard, drawn out trial with plenty of witnesses. It’s the only way we can show respect for The Starr Report: The Greatest Piece of Porn in American History!
Don’t be afraid, Senator Graham! Let it out and let it in! Own your true self and love it, whatever it may be!
Give Ken Starr the space he needs to breathe! Heavily! Give him the platform he needs to pound his message home! Revel in his massage…er…message as he defends our freedom, defends our Constitution, and defends Emperor TRUMP when he says:
“In the hallway by the study, the President and Ms. Lewinsky kissed. On this occasion, according to Ms. Lewinsky, ‘he focused on me pretty exclusively,’ kissing her bare breasts and fondling her genitals.”
And don’t forget to bring your trench coat.
P.S. If Emperor TRUMP gets thrown out, which national hero do you think you’ll hitch your star to next? I think you should go with Gwyneth Paltrow. Discover your true self!
P.P.S. Please send an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite Emperor TRUMP supporter. He likes you even better than Mitch McConnell.