Mr. Alan Dershowitz
Office of Academic Affairs
Griswold 2 South
1525 Massachusetts Ave.
Dear Mr. Dershowitz,
You did it! You got picked to be on the “Dream Team!” Again! Let me be the first to say, “Congratulations!”
There’s no bigger honor than to represent Emperor TRUMP! Just ask Michael Cohen.
I know you’re a busy guy—those FOX interviews take up a lot of time—so I’ll get right to the point. I need a lawyer and I have nowhere else to turn.
The reason I’m asking you is, you once said on TV that your father taught you that it’s "the Jew's job to defend the underdog.” And you haven’t just walked the walk—you’ve talked the talk!
Here are some of the underdogs you’ve defended: OJ! Claus von Bülow! Harvey Weinstein! Jeffrey Epstein! Just to prove what underdogs they are, let’s look at where they are now:
Claus von Bülow: Dead!
Jeffrey Epstein: Dead! And when he was alive, he was such an underdog, he couldn’t even have sex with women his age!
Harvey Weinstein: Still alive. But that guy’s so ugly, he had to become the most powerful man in Hollywood in order to force every actress in his studio to have sex with him.
OJ? When was the last time you saw him running through the airport in a Hertz commercial? These days, the only time you see him running anywhere is away from the cops. All he’s got left is a Twitter account. They even took away his Ford Bronco. He’s a shell of a man!
But I’m probably making you late for your TV interview, so I’ll get right to the point. I’ve had a little dust up here on my block, and I need you to represent me.
You see, I’m a neighborhood grocer. I’ve owned my corner market long enough so that over the years, I’ve done a lot of people favors, and they owe me favors, if ya know what I mean. When you come to my neighborhood, everybody says, “Go see Carl. He’ll fix you right up.” I’ve got lots of friends.
When people get down on their luck, I give ‘em some food to get by. I hand ‘em a few bills. No problem. When I need a favor like my car re-painted, or some new license plates, or a nice floral arrangement for my nephew’s funeral, how can they turn me down?
But now I’ve got a little problem. There’s this guy who moved in down the block and he opened up a hardware store. I went down there with a couple of my friends, Sal and Guido (not their real names). They’re big guys, Sal and Guido (not their real names), but they’re real pussycats. When they want to be.
So I had a perfect conversation with the hardware guy. It was perfect! I says to him, “Welcome to the neighborhood.”
See? Nice. It was perfect.
Then I says, “I want you to do me a favor though.”
The favor wasn’t much. All I asked was for him to start a little fire in the new organic food store across the street from him that’s been hornin’ in on my territory. Not enough to burn it down. Just enough to send a little message.
In return I says, Sal and Guido (not their real names) won’t be comin’ around no more, an’ maybe I’ll even pitch in a little Christmas bonus so the hardware guy doesn’t feel left out. Maybe I’ll let him come by and get his picture taken with me.
Next thing I know, I’ve got guys in suits and dark glasses comin’ by the house and askin’ all sorts of questions. The wanna know if I been shakin’ down my neighbor. They wanna know if I ordered a hit job. They wanna know if I broke the law.
“How can I have broken the law?” I tell ‘em. “My conversation was perfect!”
You can see my predicament. I heard you say something on TV that made me know I need you to represent me. Here’s what you said:
“The defendant wants to hide the truth because he’s generally guilty. The defense attorney’s job is to make sure the jury doesn’t arrive at that truth.”
There it is! It’s like you were talkin’ about me and you! When can we start?
I hear the impeachment trial starts on Tuesday, so I expect McConnell will have the whole thing wrapped up by Wednesday afternoon. Do you want to come out here for lunch on Thursday? My treat.
I should say right up front, I don’t have a lot of money to spend on this. But I can do you lots of favors. I’ve got a cousin who owns a local TV station in Battle Ground, WA. That’s a little bit northeast of my grocery store. That station reaches clear out to Ridgefield, Camas, Washougal, and even Vancouver, WA. Some people even get it in Portland! We could get you some air time.
Give me a call on Thursday after the impeachment wraps up. If Sal or Guido (not their real names) answer, tell ‘em to give me the phone.
P.S. I see you’re going to be sharing the spotlight with Ken Starr. If he starts hogging the mike and talking about Monica Lewinsky’s thong and her breasts, you can one-up him and remind everybody that you defended the underdog, Harry Reems, star of “Deep Throat.” I’m sure you’ve got some stories to tell.
P.P.S. You once said on TV that a teacher told you to do something that "requires a big mouth and no brain ... so I became a lawyer.” That’s your problem, Mr. Dershowitz! You’re thinkin’ small! With those qualifications, you could have been president!
P.P.P.S. Please send an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite Emperor TRUMP lawyer. He likes you even better than Victoria Toensing!