President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington DC. 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
RED ALERT!!! MAY DAY!!! NATIONAL EMERGENCY!!!
Which leads me to the obvious question:
What’s your favorite movie of all-time? I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, You know my favorite movies are Godfather and Godfather II.
Also, Goodfellas, Casino, The Departed, Scarface, Once Upon a Time in America, The Untouchables, Donnie Brasco, American Gangster, Black Mass, Bugsy, Public Enemies, Mobsters, Mean Streets, and Gangs of New York.
Also, Stormy and Her Horny Friends.”
Okay, have you ever seen any movies besides those? One of these days when you’re on “Executive Time,” you should check out a movie called “This is Spinal Tap.”
Spinal Tap is a documentary about a heavy metal band. They’re really loud—just like you! In fact, they claim to be the World’s Loudest Band. They’re so loud that while normal bands’ amplifiers can be turned up to 10, Spinal Tap’s amps go up to 11. If you were in a band, I bet your amp would go up to 12!
Spinal Tap also has great big, crazy hair—just like you!
Spinal Tap had two members, David St. Hubbins and Nigel Tufnel who said really deep things—just like you! They said things like:
“It’s such a fine line between stupid and clever.”
Makes you think, doesn’t it? Kind of like when you said:
“The wall is very very on it’s way.”
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, are you going to take up all my Executive Time talking about Spinal Tap?”
And I say to you sir, for once in your life be patient! I’m getting to a very very important point that will change the course of your presidency and maybe the course of history! I can sum it up in one word and here it is:
If you watch “This is Spinal Tap,” you will see a very very powerful scene where they’re playing a concert and singing a very very powerful song about Stonehenge. Stonehenge is the famous monument that was built in what is now southern England more than 5000 years ago. Here is what Spinal Tap sang:
“In ancient times,
Hundreds of years before the dawn of history
Lived a strange race of people, the Druids
No one knows who they were or what they were doing
But their legacy remains
Hewn into the living rock, of Stonehenge”
And right then, a replica of Stonehenge descended from the heavens and land on the stage where the band was playing. The only problem was the prop man misread the instructions! The Stonehenge replica was supposed to be 18 feet high, but he thought it was supposed to be 18 inches high!
Imagine the band’s faces when they saw the foot-and-a-half Stonehenge fall from the sky in the middle of their song!
I’m sure you can see where I’m going. You could probably buy an 18 inch Stonehenge for $19.99 and tell everybody it’s a big, beautiful wall! Or barrier. Think of all the money you’ll save!
Not to mention the aggravation! Call off the emergency! All a national emergency will do is get you tied up in the courts with a bazillion lawsuits! I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, I love lawsuits! Some people need air and water to live. I need Big Macs and lawsuits!”
But I say to you sir, your plate is already full! And I’m not talking about Big Macs. I’m talking about:
DC and Maryland v. Trump; Blumenthal v. Trump; City and County of San Francisco v. Trump; City of Chelsea v. Trump; Aziz v. Trump; Darweesh v. Trump; Doe v. Trump; Louhghalam v. Trump; Muhammed v. United States; Sarsour v. Trump; Washington v. Trump; Hawaii v. Trump; International Refugee Assistance Project v. Trump; CREW and National Security Archives v. Trump; CNN v. Trump; Knight First Amendment v. Trump; PEN America v. Trump; ACLU v. Trump and Pence; Joyner v. Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity; NAACP v. Trump; Juliana v. United States; DNC v. Russian Federation; Stone v. Trump; Kamoski v. Trump; Stockman v. Trump; New York v. Trump; English v. Trump; Galicia v. Trump; NY v. US Department of Commerce; NY Immigration Coalition v. US Department of Commerce; Clinton v. Trump Organization; State of NY v. The Trump Foundation; and East Bay Sanctuary Covenant v. Trump!
Stop being so greedy!
Besides, can you picture Nancy Pelosi’s face when you show her your big, beautiful 18 inch Stonehenge? She said she wouldn’t spend a dollar on your wall, but imagine her surprise when you stick her with a bill for $19.99!
Then there’s Ann Coulter. Here’s what she tweeted today:
“The only national emergency is that our president is an idiot.”
But you show her your big, beautiful 18 inch Stonehenge and she’ll be climbing all over you like a Russian hooker! She’ll shut up faster than Stormy Daniels when you paid her $130,000!
By the way, where do you think you’ll put your big, beautiful Stonehenge? El Paso? San Ysidro? Nogales?
I think you should put it in Minnesota. Here’s why: In 2017, 93,000 Canadians overstayed their visas in the US. That’s twice as many Canadians as Mexicans!
Put it in Minnesota, right smack dab between Lake of Woods and Manitoba! We have to stop these diseased Canadian rapists and murderers from crossing our borders, and we have to stop them now!
Where do you think you’ll buy your Stonehenge? You can probably get a really good deal on Amazon.
I know, I know. You’re boycotting Amazon because it’s owned by Jeff Bezos who owns the Washington Post which keeps printing fake news about what an egotistical, criminal, madman you are.
Well, sir, I don’t like Amazon either but I can’t resist! They have such good deals! Especially if you have Amazon Prime. You should sign up! It’s only $100 a year! You could pay for your membership with the money you save on your Stonehenge wall. Or barrier.
If you order your Stonehenge with Prime right now, you can probably have it delivered by next Tuesday!
Speaking of Bezos, I hear he’s pretty mad at you. Something about your friend at the National Enquirer, David Pecker blackmailing Bezos with “below the belt” selfies (pecker pics?); and National Enquirer being good buddies with the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia who murdered one of Bezos’ reporters—and everybody in the world knows it except for you and Pecker; and Bezos’ girlfriend’s brother Michael Sanchez being good buddies with your good buddies Roger Stone and Carter Page; and oh by the way, Michael Sanchez leaked the pecker pics to Pecker.
On second thought, I don’t know if Bezos would let you be an Amazon Prime member. Maybe you should have Giuliani order the Stonehenge replica for you.
P.S. Please send an autographed photo. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. Send him that recent one of you pointing heroically. You know—the one you had photoshopped to make you look slimmer and to make your pointing finger an inch longer. That’s Lester’s favorite.
P.P.S. When you get your Stonehenge replica, please send Lester a photo of you standing next to it. You can have it photoshopped to make Stonehenge look two feet high! You can make your hands look bigger too!