Ex-Administrator Edward “Scott” Pruitt
Mail Code 1101A
US Environmental Protection Agency
1200 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington DC 20460
Dear Ex-EPA Administrator Edward “Scott” Pruitt,
Let me be the first to congratulate you on Mission Accomplished! You are a great American, and hundreds of gas, oil, and coal lobbyists agree!
It’s been days since you resigned and I’m sorry I haven’t written sooner. I had a terrible asthma attack! There was a dark brown cloud in the air and I could hardly breathe! Sometimes when I’m having an asthma attack, water helps but when I turned on the tap, you wouldn’t believe what happened! The tap caught on fire!
Fortunately, we were having a record breaking heat wave and I had just taken my shirt off because I was getting pretty hot, so I was able to grab my shirt and smother the fire. But now, no matter how many times my wife Viola washes my shirt, she can’t get the gasoline smell out!
I was still thirsty so I dug through the fridge and found some plastic bottles with fresh, clean water imported from the sparkling springs of Fiji. I drank a whole bottle and when I threw it in the garbage, I remembered it was trash day so I hauled the garbage pail to the curb. Just then, a huge gust of wind came up—it was so strong it almost knocked me over! Lately we’ve been having hurricane force winds and tornadoes and fires and floods here all the time!
Anyway, I managed to stay on my feet but my garbage can got blown down, and plastic bags, bottles, and food containers were strewn everywhere! Have you ever seen how those styrofoam blocks break up when they get smashed? They turn into millions of little styrofoam snowflakes. Fish love them!
Anyway, my asthma was getting really bad and I had to do something! I went into the house and got out my FASENRA (benralizumab) subcutaneous injection kit and gave myself a shot. The next thing I knew, my face, mouth, and tongue were swelling, I was getting dizzy, and my skin broke out in a rash! I read the warning label and yes, they said all those things could happen. They also said if you’re breastfeeding, you probably shouldn’t mess with FASENRA.
Speaking of breastfeeding, I have a question: Which do you think is better, breast milk or the infant formula you buy at Safeway? The reason I ask is this spring the U.S. voted down a U.N. resolution to “protect, promote, and support breastfeeding.” That’s because the infant formula manufacturers think their product is better than breast milk.
I bet I know which side the EPA comes down on. Let’s leave infant feeding to the good folks who know how to do it best: the infant formula manufacturers! And let’s leave breasts to do what they do best! And if you don’t know what that is, just ask President TRUMP!
I have another question: Do you think you’ll get a free ride on a “glider” truck? Those are the diesel trucks that produce 55 times more air pollution than the modern, energy efficient trucks. The reason I ask is the last thing you did before you left the EPA was sign an order not to enforce the cap on “glider” trucks. Now that you can’t get those military aircraft flights anymore, maybe you can hitch a ride back to Oklahoma on a glider!
Just be sure to wear a mask and carry an oxygen tank.
But one thing I promise I will never do is, if I see you in a restaurant, I won’t ask you to resign like that mean school teacher who was carrying her 2 year-old did the other day. Here’s what she said:
"We deserve to have somebody at the EPA who actually does protect our environment, someone who believes in climate change and takes it seriously for the benefit of all us, including our children. I would urge you to resign before your scandals push you out."
Who says you don’t listen to the American public!
But just because your staff hates you, don’t let them get you down. They’re just a bunch of sore losers and back biters! Here’s what Ryan Jackson, your chief-of-staff said:
“He literally had zero friends between here and the White House. …TRUMP is the single person left on Earth that doesn’t want Pruitt fired.”
Can’t you see? The guy is blind with envy! Jackson’s jealous because he didn’t get to fly first class or ride around in military jets and charter flights!
He’s jealous because nobody spent $3.5 million on him for round the clock security!
Jackson thinks he should have gotten free tickets to Disneyland and the Rose Bowl and college basketball games, but no! You got your own soundproof phone booth and Jackson had to go to an Internet cafe just to get WiFi!
My point is, your future is as bright as the sun during a record breaking heat wave in Phoenix! One door closes and another door opens. A couple months ago, you lobbied President TRUMP for a job as Attorney General. Hang in there! Sessions has as much chance of keeping his job as a corrupt cabinet member who’s under 15 investigations!
Once Sessions is gone, all you have to do is prove to President TRUMP that you’re as good at blowing up the Justice Department as you were at blowing up the EPA, and the job will be yours!
Finally, as you clear your desk and leave your EPA administrator's suite for the last time, I would like to leave you with an ancient poem. It’s the poem I recited for My President George W. Bush as he was leaving office. It’s the poem I will someday recite to our Great and Magnificent Leader President TRUMP if he ever decides to leave. And it’s a poem I will recite for you now. It’s a poem so profound in its wisdom, so heartfelt, and it touches me so deeply, that I have it memorized. Here it is:
Don’t let the door hit ya,
Where the good Lord split ya.
P.S. Please send a photo. Autographed. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite climate change denier. He likes you even better than James Inhofe!
P.P.S. Do you have grandkids? I bet they’re really proud of their grandpa for making a better world where they have their own private underground bunker to go to when there’s no air to breathe.