Anti Donald Trump political humor and political satire by Paul Chasman

Wednesday, May 07, 2003
Reverend Franklin Graham
BGEA
P.O. Box 779
Minneapolis, MN 55440

Dear Reverend Graham,

Can you tell me how many people are in heaven and how many are in hell? I figure there are 6 billion people on the planet right now (roughly). About 2 billion of those are Christians. So that means unless we do something pretty quick, 4 billion people are going to go to hell!

Now, I don’t know how many people have lived and died since the beginning of time (since Adam and Eve), but it must be lots of billions. And most of them weren’t Christians, so it must be getting awfully crowded down in hell! Lucifer is going to have to open up another wing! But that’s not your problem.

But maybe it’s not such a good idea for you to be trying to get everybody to give their lives to Jesus Christ Our Saviour. I mean, do you really want all those people in heaven?! Don’t you think it’ll get too crowded? (I guess God could open up another wing too, but still...) Also, you’re going into all these countries and trying to convert all these people--do you really want to be up in heaven with all those Arabs and Negroes and Chinese? I’m not sure you’ve thought this through.

Which brings up another question: Are there different levels in heaven, or are All Men Born Equal, so to speak? I mean, I guess Jesus gets to sit right next to God, but not everybody would get to--there’s not enough room, and if everybody got to, it’d be like a Sunrise Sale at Macy’s with everybody knocking each other over trying to get a purse! So they must have a ranking system: If you were righteous all your life and never did anything wrong, you get to sit close to Jesus (at least once a week--the more people there are, the more they’ll have to rotate), and Republicans would get to sit closer than Democrats, and your dad would sit closer than, say, Jim Baker. But if you were say, Hitler, and you were basically bad (even though he did do some good things), and then just when your sticking the gun in your mouth, you say, “I GIVE MY LIFE TO JESUS!” BLAM! He probably would have to stay in the third or fourth level of heaven. Or at least, he’d have to work his way up. I hope I’ve given you some good theological questions to think about. Say hi to your dad for me.

Sincerely,
Carl Estrada

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