Monday, March 29, 2004
Dr. Condoleezza Rice
National Security Advisor
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Dr. Rice,
Stay the course! Stonewall! Don’t let the liberals pressure you into testifying publicly before the 9/11 Commission!
We know what will happen--first of all, they’ll make you testify under oath and then--you’ll have to tell the truth! We just can’t have that! This is a National Security issue! Can you imagine what will happen if Al Qaeda finds out that Our President retaliated against Iraq because bin Laden attacked us on 9/11? Can you imagine how they’ll laugh at us? Bin Laden will say, “Let’s hit America again. This time Bush will bomb Turkey! Ha ha ha!”
We both know George W. Bush is the Greatest President of All-Time--he’s even better than Herbert Hoover! But even great presidents have weaknesses and between you and me, Our President has one: bad aim. Three airplanes full of Saudi hijackers attack us and what does Our President do? Overthrow Iraq--MISS! Pakistan holds a fire sale on nuclear secrets and what does Our President do? Threaten Korea--WHIFF! Our President bombed Afghanistan into the Stone Age, but he still couldn’t catch Bin Laden--BAD AIM!
It’s ok--the important thing is he’s a Strong Leader. But we just can’t let our enemies know our weaknesses. That’s why it would be totally irresponsible for you to testify before the 9/11 Commission.
Also, you have to think about book sales. I know Cheney said Richard Clarke was just trying to promote his book when he testified, but you’re different. If you were to testify now, the commission would make you tell all the stuff you’re saving up for your “tell-all” memoir that you’ll probably write as soon as you leave the White House. You have another Harry Potter on your hands! If you give up everything you know to the commission, your book will go slower than Bible sales in Iran!
Just keep that nice white blouse buttoned up to the top of your neck and tough it out! If all else fails, just tell them you were “out of the loop!”
Sincerely,
Carl Estrada