Friday, January 09, 2004
General Wesley Clark
America for Clark
P.O. Box 2959
Little Rock, AR 72209
Dear General Clark,
Dude! I saw you flipping pancakes the other day. No offense, but those were some sorry-ass looking pancakes. They looked like they were made by some guy who’d lived in a bachelor pad all his life or been in the army forever. A word of advice, dude: Get your wife to make the pancakes. My girl friend makes me awesome pancakes. She won’t even let me near the frying pan. Every time I try, my pancakes come out looking just like yours.
It’s ok, dude. I’m voting for you anyway. I saw Dean flipping pancakes and that sealed it for me. He’s too cocky! He throws ‘em three feet in the air and catches ‘em in the pan, face down, perfectly formed--and all the while his mouth is running 200 mph, talking about God and Saddam and Confederate flags and any old thing to piss people off. If the dude could catch what comes out of his mouth like he can catch pancakes, he’d be our next president!
Anyway, I’m all over Clark for President. Just lay off the lame pancakes. Also, those sweaters you’re wearing have got to go--maybe you should go on that show where the gay guys give you a make-over. You’d win the gay vote, the women’s vote, and (hint, hint) the fashion tips wouldn’t hurt either, dude.