Waltine “Walt” Nauta
The Mar-a-Lago Club
1100 South Ocean Boulevard,
Palm Beach, Florida 33480
Dear Mr. Nauta,
I want to be the first to congratulate you for jumping off the cliff with ex-President Donald J. TRUMP. When ex-President TRUMP jumps off a cliff, he needs a good valet to jump with him to keep his hair combed over when he hits the ground!
But I don’t think you’ve thought this through. You only got 6 counts of obstruction and concealing evidence against you. Your boss got 37! You’ll only get to spend 25 years in prison with the boss, but he could get 136 years! I did the math and figured when you get out, he’ll still have 111 years to go! What’s he going to do for a valet then?
You’re going to need to hide a lot more boxes to catch up with him!
Where are you going to hide them this time? We’ve already seen the bathroom doesn’t work. Too many leaks.
The ballroom stage is out. The band was getting tired of finding “plans of possible retaliation in response to foreign attack” mixed up with their sheet music for Volare.
The plane is off limits. Melania saw to that. Her spa hogs the entire plane.
No. There’s only one solution. Hide all remaining classified materials in Governor DeSantis’ office! Meatball Ron will never know! He’s too busy traveling to Iowa and New Hampshire and telling people how much better he is at hating blacks and gays and immigrants than your boss. He won’t find out until the FBI hauls him away in handcuffs!
On second thought, you’d better plant a few boxes in Chris Christie’s office too. That guy won’t shut up about how your boss is a “lonely, self-serving mirror hog.”
I know, I know. You’re saying, “But Carl, my boss doesn’t worry about what Christie says. All he has to do is tweet out a few fat jokes and Christie will fold like a top secret document about Russia’s nuclear capabilities.”
Maybe you’re right. If your boss was such a “mirror hog,” I think he’d ool-it-cay with-way e-thay at-fay okes-jay.
But we have a problem. While you’re running around planting the remaining classified docs in Meatball Ron and Chris Christie’s offices, I’m afraid you’re not going to have time to find a new lawyer.
1. What is Save America PAC?
a) Political Action Committee set up by your boss in November 2022
b) PAC designed to “support candidates and issues (your boss) cares about, such as combating voter fraud.”
c) PAC that has spent over $16 million in your boss’s legal fees
d) PAC that pays your boss’s lawyers
e) PAC that pays Stan Woodward
f) All of the above
2. Who is Stan Woodward?
a) Lawyer paid by Save America PAC
b) Your lawyer
c) All of the above
1-f. All of the above
2-c. All of the above
I’m sure this Stan Woodward guy means well, but he’s in way over his head! In November 2022, you and he met with the Justice Department and do you remember what the DOJ told you?
They said they had video of you moving the boxes. They had testimony from the maintenance workers that you ordered them to move the boxes. They saw you putting them in the car, the ballroom, the bathroom, etc. They had evidence that you interfered with your boss’s attorney Evan Corcoran’s job of delivering records to the government. They had evidence that you lied to the DOJ about all of the above. They said if you’d rat on your boss, maybe you could get full immunity.
And here’s what your guy Stan Woodward said:
He said he didn’t like being “manhandled” by the DOJ lawyer. He advised you not to rat.
Can you imagine?! This guy Stan Woodward comes into the DOJ with a pair of twos and the DOJ is holding an ace-high straight, and he throws in his entire pile of chips and tries to bluff his way through! I guess when you’re playing with Save America PAC money, you can do that.
So where are we now? You didn’t rat on your boss. Check.
You’re facing 25 years in prison. Check.
To do list:
Find a new lawyer who’s not being paid by your boss’s PAC.
Find a lawyer who’s not being paid by the PAC that’s paying for your boss’s lawyer.
When you go to court with your boss on Tuesday, make sure his hair is combed over.
P.S. What are the valet’s duties at a MAGA rally? Do you:
—Choose between red or white MAGA hats for him to wear
—Clear stage of dignitaries
—Play on cue the TRUMP theme song, God Bless the USA, sung by the Jan 6 Patriots from their jail cells
—Sell TRUMP Swag (including commemorative coins, action figures, and “Vintage Tin Sign Metal Poster Plaque of President Donald Trump and Jesus Praying”)
—Collect campaign donations to be funneled into his legal defense fund
—Tear up Orange Lies Matter signs
P.P.S. Please send an autographed picture. Make it out to my grandson Lester. You’re his favorite valet! He likes you even better than Michael Fawcett.
P.P.P.S. Michael Fawcett was King Charles’s valet who was was in charge of squeezing toothpaste onto the royal's monogrammed toothbrush.
P.P.P.P.S. Do you squeeze toothpaste onto your boss’s monogrammed toothbrush?