President Donald J. TRUMP
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC 20500
Dear President TRUMP,
Yesterday at your press rally, I saw that you came up with a good idea for getting rid of the virus. Here’s what you said:
"I see the disinfectant that knocks it out in a minute, one minute. And is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside or almost a cleaning? As you see, it gets in the lungs, it does a tremendous number on the lungs, so it would be interesting to check that."
I just have one question and here it is:
WHAT ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!
Don’t you know there’s a huge shortage of disinfectant right now?! Don’t you know that after you make a statement like that, there’s going to be a run on Lysol and nobody’s going to be able to get ahold of any?! Viola and I haven’t been able to get hand wipes or Lysol for a month! What do you want us to do, inhale a bar of soap?!
It’s just like that fake doctor, Sanjay Gupta, said on the fake news CNN:
“This notion of injecting or ingesting any type of cleansing product into the body is irresponsible and it’s dangerous. It’s a common method that people utilize when they want to kill themselves."
That’s the problem with the liberal media! They’re trying to take away my God-given freedom to wear a MAGA hat and shoot Lysol into my veins!
I just think you need to think these things through before you pull ideas straight out of your perineum. Here’s another idea you pulled out of your perineum:
"So supposing we hit the body with a tremendous — whether it's ultraviolet or just a very powerful light — and I think you said that hasn't been checked because of the testing. And then I said, supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or some other way, and I think you said you're going to test that, too."
I think this idea is tremendous! It’s powerful too! And speaking of perineums and “very powerful light,” I know just the method we can use to “bring the light inside the body.” It’s called “butthole sunning.”
It’s true! There’s a lady on the internet named Metaphysical Meagan, and she teaches the “ancient Taoist practice” of perineum sunning her “bum and yoni.” She says it gives her “surges of energy,” “better sleep,” “creativity,” and “better connection to her sexual energy.”
I haven’t tried it yet, but my wife Viola did. She and her yoga class went out in a field, lay down naked (6 feet apart), and pointed their bums directly at the White House. They said they were practicing the ancient Taoist art of “The Mirror Pose.”
Viola hasn’t gotten the virus yet, and as far as I know, neither has Metaphysical Meagan, so maybe butthole sunning works. You should try it! It’s like you said about hydroxychloroquine and also, coincidentally, what you said to African Americans when you wanted them to vote for you in 2016:
“What have you got to lose?”
But shooting up Lysol and butthole sunning are not proven cures yet. However, I have a cure that is so beautiful in its simplicity, so perfect, so devastatingly effective, it’s amazing that all those nerdy deep-state scientists with their fancy pants studies haven’t figured it out yet. After careful study of watching hours and hours of your press rallies, I have concluded there is one substance that will instantly kill the coronavirus at the very moment it makes contact, and here is that substance:
It all adds up! You said it yourself: you won’t wear a mask. You won’t wear gloves. You shake people’s hands. Every day you stand there at the podium in a rugby scrum with Pence and Fauci and all your aides, none of whom is wearing any protection, and you never get sick!
It’s so obvious! That nasty coronavirus tries to sneak into your body, but it’s no match for the “hate cell” in your blood! One microscopic drop of your hate cell will kill anything it comes in contact with! Just ask Melania!
What are you waiting for? Market it! This could be more tremendous than TRUMP steaks!
TRUMP BLOOD! GET YOURS TODAY FOR $100 A DROP!
TRUMP BLOOD! MORE LETHAL THAN LYSOL!
TRUMP BLOOD! IT KILLED COVID-1 THRU 18 AND IT’S GUARANTEED TO KILL COVID-19 TOO!
TRUMP BLOOD! MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING IT WILL EVEN KILL COVID-20!
This will be the fastest million you’ll ever make! Get Dr. Harold Bornstein down to White House now and tell him to do a blood draw! Just one thing: Don’t make him take Pence’s blood and try to pass it off as yours. I know Pence agrees with everything you say and laughs at all your jokes, but still…Do you really want an entire country full of old white Christian, sexually repressed homophobes?
TRUMP BLOOD! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?
P.S. Please send an autographed picture. Make it out to my grandson, Lester. You’re his favorite TV doctor. He likes you even better than Dr. Oz!