Mr. Ken Mehlman
Republican National Committee
310 First Street, SE
Washington, DC 20003
Dear Mr. Mehlman,
You and I have never met, but My President has probably told you all about me--I write Him all the time. I give Him advice and some would say Im brutally honest. I tell Him things His best friends are afraid to say. Some people say My President is the Greatest President Since Herbert Hoover. I like to think I have something to do with that.
Youre probably wondering, Why is this guy writing to me, a little party hack, instead of going straight to the Big Guy?
Good question! But first of all, stop thinking of yourself as a party hack! Were never going to get anywhere if you start in with a negative attitude!
Anyway, all week Ive been wanting to write letters of advice to my favorite Republicans, but every time I get started, another one gets in trouble! Thats why Im writing to you, Mr. Mehlman. This is bigger than any of us! We have a perfect storm brewing, and its up to you to get out the umbrella.
First, I want you to give My President a conservation tip and here it is: In the last week, Hes probably used up more gas flying to the Gulf than the whole city of Houston used when they were evacuating!
If He really wants to show how much He cares, heres what He should do: Fly less, play guitar more! Remember how everybody loved it when Clinton played the sax? People like to see their president playing music! Maybe He could cut a CD and send the proceeds to a disaster relief fund.
Make the checks payable to Bill Frist Legal Defense. And heres how you can really get a bang for your buck: Hire Martha Stewart as a consultant! She knows all the ins and outs of insider trading! She pulled off a deal where she only got five months with time off for good behavior. And look at her now! Shes got her own TV show and shes bigger than ever! Maybe when Bill Frist gets out of jail, he can get his own TV show, too!
But whatever you do, dont tell Tom The Hammer DeLay that youre setting up the Bill Frist Disaster Relief Fund. Hell just launder the money into his disaster relief fund! Let DeLay fight his own battles! Hes a big boy--he knows how to play the game! Maybe he could get his friend and golf partner Jack Abramoff to fake a wire transfer of 23 million dollars, just like he did with those floating casinos he bought. And if the prosecutor doesnt like it, just say two words:
Gus Boulis is the guy who didnt like it when Abramoff and his partner, Adam Kidan, paid him 23 million in counterfeit dollars for his floating casinos. He didnt like it so much that he got in a fist fight with Kidan. Then Kidan got so mad, he hired Anthony Moscatiello as his business mentor. And guess what? Anthony Moscatiello worked for the Gambino family. And guess what else? Gus Boulis wont be complaining anymore--on account of hes got three bullets in him and hes dead.
Speaking of casinos, did you hear what the high roller and former Secretary of Education Bill Bennett said? Heres what he said:
You could abort every black baby in this country and the crime rate would go down.
And guess what? The liberal smear machine is playing partison politics and criticizing him for saying that! The liberals have no shame! It was a perfectly innocent remark and it was taken out of context and besides, Bill Bennett said all he was doing was conducting a thought experiment about public policy.
You see? Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Whatever happened to sound science? Where would we be if all the great thinkers of our land werent allowed to conduct thought experiments?
Remember when Bill Bennett conducted a thought experiment and said, Ill see your twenty-five dollars, and Ill raise you eight million . . . ?
Speaking of Bill Bennett, did you see who his brother Bob is representing? Judith Miller! Talk about thought experiments! Shes the reporter who spent eighty five days in jail because she refused to name I. L. Scooter Libby as her source after he gave her permission to name him in the story she didnt write about him outting Valerie Plame as a CIA spy. (?)
By the way, whos your favorite Watergate co-conspirator? Mine is H. R. Bob Haldeman. I like the guys with initials followed by a nickname.
Does Cheney know about Libby? Somebody should tell him his top aide committed treason! If he knew, hed fire him faster than you can say, High crimes and misdemeanors!
Speaking of treason, Im worried about the hurricane relief effort. After Karl Rove gets indicted for outting Valerie Plame, who are we going to replace him with to head up the hurricane relief team?
Ive got just the guy for you: Brownie! I know hes busy doing a heckuva job investigating himself at FEMA, but after he finds out it was all Mayor Nagins and Governor Blancos fault, he might be out of work again. And who better to rebuild New Orleans than Brownie? Look at all the experience hes had!
Anyway, Mr. Mehlman, we Republicans are in big trouble and I think you know it! Stop the bleeding! Heres what I want you to do:
Declare this week: HUG A REPUBLICAN WEEK!
I know Republicans arent big huggers, but sometimes you just have to suck it up. Like Nixon, when Sammy Davis Jr. hugged him--Nixon had a stiff neck for a month, but did you notice the spike in the polls?
Tell everybody to Hug a Republican! Arrange a photo-op for Colin Powell to hug My President! Lets get Barney Frank to hug Orin Hatch! Hillary can hug Condi Rice.
Pass out pins that say, Hug me. Im a Republican! Then watch the poll numbers soar! Just one thing--make sure people wear their Hug me. Im a Republican! pins on their hats or their sleeves or their collars. Tell them not to put them on their lapels. We dont want them getting tangled up with the American flag lapel pins that the Republicans theyre hugging are wearing.
It would be like two teenagers with braces making out.